Think my marriage is over

[Sadscot]

Hi there, this is my first post and although I'm not expecting any of you to be able to save my marriage, and in all honesty, don't feel the need to read it, I just need to write this down and get it out in the open as such as I have no-one I can talk to.

I have been with my husband for 14 years, married for 7 and have DS 4 and DD 2.

Things haven't been great between us for a few years in all honesty and for about the past year, on and off, I think about leaving. Things can be good one week then crap for a month. We just came back from holiday yesterday (first holiday abroad since the kids came along) and although there was a lot of bickering, we did have a good time. Tonight, he'd had a drink with a family member then I was told I had to drive said family member home (this is the third time this has happened). I done it (20 mile round trip) then when I got home tried to say to him that next time, he could maybe ask me if it was ok rather than just expect that I'll do it and that maybe a thank you wouldn't have gone a miss. I was very calm while saying this and he started ranting that it wasn't a big deal and I should do it for him as I do nothing else at all. Now this got me wound right up - my husband does not wash/dry/iron a single piece of clothing, doesn't cook a meal, do the shopping, lift a plate once he's finished with it, hoover - literally nothing in the house at all. He works away 2 weeks at a time then works when he's at home too (his choice - not a financial need) and he thinks as he earns the money, I should be a dutiful housewife and not complain! I was working part time up until recently when I had to cut my contract to a bare minimum due to hubbys work commitments. He wants me to give up work completely but I absolutely refuse to have to be totally reliant on him financially.
Anyway, the argument went on and on but due to him having a drink, it was completely twisted. When he gets like this, he completely belittles me, I do nothing right, I'm a crap wife, sex is crap, I'm pathetic etc, etc. Basically, it got round to getting a divorce - as long as I move out. I asked if he loved me and he shook his head and said 'Why, do you love me?' Well actually, I do, although most of the time I wish I didn't! I've tried to speak to him and he's just laughed in my face calling me more names.
I know folk might think it's just the drink, but it's not, he can easily be like this when sober.
I just don't know what to do. I can't afford to move out and start up on my own, and he knows this. What hurts me the most though is hurting my children. They absolutely adore their Dad and I think my DS would take it extremely hard. He is a total Daddy's boy and it would devastate him for him to live away from his Dad. I don't want this for my children but I don't know how much longer I can be miserable for. I hate my life so much just now :(

Firstly, you are right, your marriage is over, it was a long time ago. He treats you as staff. Secondly, he can move out, not you. Contact women's aid. Get your free 30 mins consultation with a solicitor.
He can still be a good daddy without living under your roof, he works away anyway, dcs wouldn't notice. You would be a happier mummy and that would make a difference to your dcs.
Well done for keeping your job, financial dependence was what he was after.
Good luck Op

You do not need to move out. See a solicitor first thing Monday morning to discuss your rights.

:(

I wouldn't want to stay with this man.

Your little boy can still maintain a relationship with his dad. He only sees him for two weeks out of four anyway.

Don't leave. Get legal advice.
In fact, and as he sounds emotionally and financially abusive I'd call WA for support. They can advise about solicitors and strategies.
Also find out about any benefits you may be entitled too.

I wonder about your work too. What was the practical reason that led you to cut the time? Child care? You can get child care and insist he pays for it as he's working to support the family.

Finally, stop doing things for him. Particularly his clothes. See how he reacts.

Please do not go onto teach your children that this loveless version of a marriage that died years ago (your h indeed sees you as staff) is their "norm" for them to go onto emulate themselves. They won't thank you either for staying with him or appreciate you saying "well I stayed because of you". It is your job amongst many to show your children positive and affirming relationship models; this is anything but. Is this really what you want to teach your children about relationships?. What do you think they are learning about relationships here?.

You know what to do really and you do not want this for your children.

Do not leave the marital home but seek legal advice first thing on Tuesday morning. The children as well likely do not adore their dad so much as being confused and upset by his awful behaviour towards you. They may well even blame themselves for their parents problems.

sadscot im in a somewhat similar position though we are not married, rent and he doesn't work away. Oh and I havent been brave enough to say I want to leave yet but will be making appointments next week to get advice. The effect on dc and missing them when we will be apart are whats making me saddest but I dont think I can go on like this. So no advice sorry just a hand to hold should you want one.

Does he ever act like he loves you?

I think I would tell him that you intend to work full time, and see what he says.
If he equates work with money, then you can say that you are earning money as well as him. And you are thinking about getting a cleaner etc for the other work[write a list of jobs beforehand so that he can see what they are].

I suspect that he will blow a gasket at that, but then at least you will know.

Thanks for the replies. We haven't had much of a chance to talk today but he has said that he isn't sure what he wants to do but would rather stay in a loveless marriage than having the kids being brought up in a broken family. I never in a million years wanted my kids being brought up with divorced parents but I also don't see why my life is so pointless and unworthy of having happiness and worth in it.
I don't want my kids growing up thinking this kind of relationship is normal or ok in any way.
Work wise, it was due to childcare that I had to cut my hours. I work 24 hour shifts and it is impossible to get childcare for that length of time. We had initially agreed when he started working away that I would do all my hours when he was at home but then he decided to set up his own business so does that when he's at home. Every time I bring up the subject, it always come down to 'I earn far more money than you', which he does, considerably. In my mind, that's not what's important in life, but to him, it is.
Truthfully, he never acts like he loves me. He always usually says that he doesn't need to tell me for me to know but there is nothing he does for me to know. Even things that people might perceive as love always has something hidden in it - for my 30th birthday, he bought me a car, then later told me he'd have bought it anyway even if it wasn't my birthday as mine kept breaking down. I may sound completely ungrateful, but in my eyes, he never got me anything for my birthday but everyone else thinks it was lovely.
I'm just so confused, and scared at the thought of starting out on my own. If we were to split, I really believe that he and his family would be really spiteful towards me and that he might get the kids involved in it. I'd hate for my kids to resent and blame me for all of this.
notmakingsense - I hope you get things sorted to. It's just such a horrible position to be in - sending you hugs too x

Of course he wants to stay. He has it all as he likes it.
A maid, sex on tape, his child and the status as a family man.
Is he doing anything to deserve it, though? He's ill treating the woman he is supposed to love and the mother of his child.

If you want to give it a go establish your boundaries and tell him what you expect from a partner. Then it's on him.

And have a leaving plan ready, in any case.

sadscot that's what scares me too that it will get unecessarily spiteful as he has said he would fight me for kids even though right now I do everything for them and to get through a whole evening without him getting annoyed and shouting is a rarity however I get on well with a few members of his family and would hate for them to hate me I want to get all the info I can and take it from there it feels surreal to me just now. Hope you are ok.

If he's working from home he can get day time child care and deal with the kids the rest of the time.

Anyone who says they're in charge because they earn more deserves to be dumped.

He should support your work, as you do his. But he doesn't want it because he wants to control you and he wants yo keep you in your place.

Lweji sex on tape, I hope you meant 'tap'?

OP there is no harm in finding out where you stand with a solicitor, it is confidential and will help you to see where you would stand. Let's face it, what person would want to leave a marriage where they have their own personal slave...for free?

You can make your decision in your own time, but you need the facts first.

Good luck to you

If you want to give it a go establish your boundaries and tell him what you expect from a partner

This

And write it down and give him a copy. So that he knows and cant wriggle out of what he is agreeing to.

Lweji sex on tape, I hope you meant 'tap'?

I don't know. Maybe my fat fingers/spell checker know more than we do.