DH feeling 'stressed'- AIBU?

[TheMightyMing]

Looking for opinions really.

My husband has been suffering with work related stress for a while now and hasn't been the easiest to live with. Recently signed off for a month but now back on a phased return.

He goes out a fair bit (only local with his mates) which I am fine with- but whilst he seems fine when he is out, when he gets back he is miserable, monosyllabic etc etc.

If I am honest- I am finding it a bit hard to deal with. I work full time myself in a demanding jib, we have a teenaged DS. We have a nice house, are ok financially ( a bit more is always nice I know). No health worries and he retires in a few years when he will still be quite young.

I have to an extent told him to to get on with it, I have tried to support him but I am struggling to keep all the other balls in the air as it is!!!

He is seeing a counsellor via work and his bosses seem supportive, but he seems to be 'selectively wallowing' to suit himself. He has just gone up to bed in some sort of moody sulk now ( went out at 7 got in at 11.30).

That's all, think I just needed to vent. I am feeling very fed up- am I being a cow though?

It's hugely difficult, isn't it? I'm going through it with my DH, with the difference that with my persuasion (took me 2 years) he has now sought help. He's on low dose ADs and they have transformed him, so don't discount them - but he is also making lifestyle changes and changes at work too. It's incredibly exhausting having to be the strong one though, and it sounds as if your DH hasn't taken on board the damage he is doing to your relationship, He needs to - my DH has and we are the better for it. He certainly doesn't go out to have fun and then come home and act silent and morose - since getting help, he has reengaged with family life, plays and laughs with the DDs and gets enjoyment out of family life again. You have the right to expect your DH to work towards this goal, he can't leave you to do it all.

My DH could have written this about me currently. Fine if I've got my public face on but go to pieces at home. The key thing is: is he DOING anything about it? I am in counselling and also regularly acknowledge to DH that it can't be easy. Not ideal, but it's something.

Oh dear Fatbelly- that's awful. Do you think it can be resolved?

I don't know op. When I asked him about his past breakdown he denied it but it's true.

I've seen him twice today and he has chatted to me as if we were old friends , asking what I'd eaten at a place I'd been too. Like he is pretending that he hasn't just walked on on his family and left me scrabbling about to pick up the pieces. He won't acknowledge that now me and dd will have to find a new home. Or it's me that has to continue to tell his family he has left because he has told no one

He is in complete denial about what he is doing.

I wanted a resolve, I've asked him to go to the doctors he declined .

Now I'm just thinking fuck him.

You poor thing. Where is he staying? And can't you stay put in your house?

I feel bad for moaning now. DH has gone to bed saying he feels awful (sigh)- told him he needs to get to GP that being the case.

Have a hand to hold here.

Thanks themight didn't want to take ver thread!

Apparently in a b&b , all his clothes in bin bags in his car.

Don't feel bad Jesus it's your thread. Plus I'm interested to see what happens with your family. How you deal with it, how I should have dealt with it if I'd known.

All the signs were there, just didn't cotton on because he has loads of fucking fun at footie and with his mates. Must be me!

I too was harsh with dp when he had a head ache which was every day. Or he was run down . I would tell him to go get some pain killers and he would just say " I will in a moment " and never did so I had no sympathy. Maybe I should have shown more hey?

DH's work stress risks making you both ill. You say your job is demanding too. The third person who is likely to be affected is your DS.

If home life is also somewhere at the root of the trouble is it worth looking at what the current pace of life is doing to you? Any chance of simplifying things even if it means downsizing or cutting back? You refer to DH retiring in x number of years but will you still be together by then, once DS leaves school and the dynamic at home changes where do you see yourself and DH?

I think spinning plates is well and good providing you're happy you still have the same aims and goals. If underlying his work-related stress DH harbours other issues you may need to dig deep.