Separating but partner won't leave

[sb28]

Hi, I've managed to finally pluck up the courage 2 months ago to tell my husband that our relationship isn't working and it's over (lots of rows, going round in circles, he's not been a hands on dad - 3 kids between 13 and 8) - but he is in denial - he accepts that the relationship is over (have told him at least 3 times), but says that it's not fair on him to move out & is currently trying v hard to be nice and to spend more time with the kids (and me which is v awkward as I have been v clear). It is unfair that he has to move out, but the rows have been mostly down to him and his behaviour over the past 10 years. I don't know how to start the conversation (he hasn't told anyone that we're separating). A bit of advice would be great, thanks!

To be fair - why is it him who has to move out?

Well, because we have 3 kids, I work part time (but will be able to support myself and kids without him if necessary) and he works long hours so wouldn't be able to look after them on a daily basis - it's not really fair that they should have to move out when he's been the cause of the problems between us.

He obviously doesn't see it that way.

He would still be expected to pay the mortgage I'm guessing?

Consult a solicitor. Your husband's opinion isn't important - if he didn't want the marriage to end he shouldn't have been an arsehole. You don't need his permission or his co-operation to end the marriage: a court is likely to rule that he has to move out (while retaining financial rights in the property and/or being responsible for a share of the mortgage), but (depending on your income/assets/equity in the home/names on the mortgage) may decide that the house is to be sold and the proceeds divided.

Generally a court looks on the family home as the children's home and prefers to rule that they stay in it, with their main carer. It's better if you can come to an amicable agreement, but if not, that's what the law is for.

Of course you have every right to end the relationship.

It sounds to me though that he is completely in denial that the relationship is over and him wanting to hang on in the home is his way of hoping that it won't be over. So perhaps you should focus on finding ways to make it very clear that you are going to do this. Perhaps you could tell him that you are going to make it public? Have you told the children? Some women even find their partner accommodation - you seem to have to hand it to them in a way that they can cope with.

Congratulations by the way! First day of the rest of your life?

Thanks very much for all of your replies - I have made sure that I will be able to cover the mortgage and all the bills in case he turns nasty (with a bit of help from tax credits). I have told my parents and a couple of my friends, but we haven't told the children yet and he doesn't want to tell anyone...(which I understand is denial). I wasn't sure about telling the children whilst he is still living in the house and with no intention of moving out, as it might be weird for them?

So where is he going?

Well that's my point, he isn't going anywhere at the moment, much as I would like him to..

It's probably not going to cheer you up but I had this conversation with my H over a year ago (and this followed conversations for the preceding 2 years about not being happy but "trying" and going for counselling etc., so the "it's definitely over" convo shouldn't have been a huge shock ). Anyway, he won't move out. I can't afford to move out. Nor can I afford legal/court costs (SAHM). So we live in the same house (separately). In the last 14 months he does at least seem to be accepting it's over and he has told people (finally told his family about 2 months ago). I've told him I want to move on - start dating even - and I'm sort of hoping that will be the impetus to doing something about the living situation. We have agreed that he will rent a small flat/house locally as a crash pad. He will stay there when I have the dc's and on the weekends/nights he has them, he will stay in the family home with them and I can use the crash pad. Once my career is up and running and I have a decent income again, we will agree an equity split on the house and I will move out with the dc's and buy somewhere else. The crash pad was supposed to be happening in the "new year". It's now May and there's still no bloody sign of it :(

That's an interesting solution, Tillyscoutsmum. I've always thought that would be much fairer on children than shunting them from one house to another. I think for a lot of people this is really the only option financially.

when DH and I have discussed splitting up (its been a tough year) we have also considered a crash pad.

You could always rent one and say that you are moving out (if he doesn't) and call his bluff?

I think it's quite a common solution in the US (they call it nesting). Financially it's our only option for the time being and I do like the idea of giving the children time to get used to is being separated, with minimal practical upheaval for them.

It's probably a relatively short term option and I'm not sure what will happen if/when one of us meets someone else. I would hope it would still work out until either if us wanted to live with someone. But I'm not naive enough to think that the relative amicability we have now (and which I think is needed to make it a viable option) might disappear once other people are in the mix

nomorequotes
I've no income or money so have no way of getting a rental property myself. It will happen (we've had another chat again). He just needs another month or so to get some money together for furniture etc
I just need to be patient. Which I'm not terribly good at