Need some help, not with a dp but with how I am around other people

[Yourhelpneeded]

Not sure if relationships is the best topic but can't think of anywhere better, especially since I've seen first hand the great advice given. I've namechanged as this is really personal/embarrassing!

Basically I'm what you might call "socially awkward" and I'm fed up being like this, I really have to start getting a grip of myself as it is effecting my life. I'm pretty sure I would be on some kind of spectrum but am aware myself of what my problems are- I just don't know how to change them?

I'm not sure if it's a confidence thing but I'm going to try and give some examples and see if I can make myself clear

I'm very wary of new people, I actually dislike everyone I first meet and have to get to know someone well before my opinion of them will change

If someone does one "bad" thing to me no matter how small they are then on my list and I can't move past it

All my family and the few close friends I do have think I'm some hilarious/quick witted/confident person and I am around people I know but I really really struggle to even mumble hello to people I don't know well

I notice in supermarket queues etc that the cashier will make small talk with everyone before me but then totally ignore me, I honestly think I give of a vibe. If one does ask how my day has been I struggle to think of anything to say, my mind actually goes blank and I just mumble "fine"

I have very few (perhaps no) friends just now as I seem to have drifted away from them, as they have met new people rather than thinking its great I'll get to know new people I
seem to take it as a personal insult and start to cut them off.

Everyone that does know me well all say the same thing- that the first time they met me they thought I was rude/moody but can't believe how different the real me is. I need to know how to put this across right away though, it's like I missed the social side of my development out.

I wonder if it is just being shy but I think in most cases I am confident, I can stick up for myself and my family am confident driving and going places and seeing new things it's just people I struggle with.

This has all come to a head as my lovely dh has just got promoted at work, it means a lot more social functions that I really should be attending with him (and I do want to) I just hate the thought of stuttering away when having to try and make small talk with the bossss and making a tit of me/him. If I'm truthful I feel intimidated by them on their "patch" but would not feel this bad if I met them in everyday life. I would still struggle to make small talk but when I'm in a situation it feel awkward in I do stutter and make myself out to be a fool.

Sorry this will prob not make any sense after writing it down but I have been meaning to do it a while and I'm hoping someone can give me some advice on how to stop this.

I could have written this, I am exactly the same in social situations and actually avoid them if possible. I think if I didn't have children or work I could easily become a recluse. I think, like you op, it has something to do with my social development. My childhood wasn't the easiest. I don't have any advice for you but wanted you to know you are not alone

I'm no psychologist, but do you think CBT might help?

Would it help to know a lot of employees hate these work social functions too but are obliged to go and act the expected role for the evening? I would never judge someone for being self conscious and a bit unsure of themselves. Far preferable to an over confident big head.
Be pleasant, be friendly, smile and if you are a quiet shy person don't try to be something you are not.

I can relate a bit, as I was a bit like that as I grew up and I do need time to warm up to people, although it depends.

However I don't dislike people when meeting them. It just takes me a bit to feel at ease but I go through the phase of thinking what on earth am I going to talk about?

So, a few tips I picked up.
Smile and look people in the eyes. (not starring, but some eye contact)
Find something to like about them. I think this is crucial. It will help you smile more genuinely. And they will feel that you do like them.
Ask them questions. If they ask about your day, they don't really want to know about it, so fine is... fine. :) But you can ask about theirs. Or make a comment relevant to them. At a cashier, something like busy day, even the weather.
At parties, if you have a set of stock questions prepared you can draw from them. Most people like to talk about themselves. But you can always mention that you find such parties difficult. Chances are the other person will feel the same or give you useful pointers. :)

Having said that, being careful with people at first is not a bad thing. Many people get hurt by trusting too early too soon. It looks like you have good boundaries.
If you have a good DH and a few close and true friends that is an excellent result.

The problem with self-consciousness (which I think is the problem) is that, if you dig about in it, you become more self-conscious which probably doesn't help that much. :)

I think your friends who told you that you came across as 'rude and moody' when they first met you (and bless them for their candour!) are a good place to start. For example, what does 'rude and moody' look like? Is it something as simple as - and the Queen has confessed to this one - having a face that when 'at rest' looks grumpy or aloof? Do you smile much? Do you avoid eye-contact? You mention stuttering... do you stay silent rather than risk tripping over your words?

That's what I'd do to begin with. Ask people who like you what the difference is between the 'real you' and the 'rude and moody' you that you are (accidentally) presenting.

It's interesting that you dislike new people on first meeting them, and that the friends you do have are 'drifting away'.
It sounds as if people have to prove something to you - is it trustworthiness?
I have a lifelong friend who sounds a little like yourself, and she struggles with very poor self esteem and feelings of inferiority. She's quite critical of new people. But like yourself she's great fun once she gets to know people properly.
Did you have a difficult childhood?
I think I'm perceived as being very friendly and confident although like a lot of people I'm not (confident that is - I am naturally friendly!) But I am genuinely interested in others, in their lives, their stories, their experiences etc.

Sometimes I'm a bit surprised to hear someone describes as boring when I've not found them to be - as a Lweji says have some prepared stock questions for new people you meet. People always love talking about themselves. Then listen to them. Really focus on the other person and what they are saying and your awkwardness will not come across and you will pick up on cues for further conversation.

It takes practice but fake it til you make it as they say. Social situations with new people are a bit toe curling for everyone!