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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Have behaved badly and need help with the way forward

29 replies

singingmango · 26/08/2006 19:52

Have changed my name for this am a regular posting but not as brave a nail polish... Sorry this is going to be a bit of a long one..Background is I am very happily married with two dc, dh is pretty much everything you could ask for in a husband and our life is very comfortable and very nice so I am not unhappy. However I have been working very closely with a team of people of work for the last six months and have become smitten by one of the men. Right from day one there was a spark there I thought he was lovely and was quite nicely bobbing along happily just having little daydreams but never intending to do anything about it. I felt the feeling was pretty mutal from little things as he would always stand just that bit too close and our hands would sometimes touch just a little bit too long but I am not your average bit of 'totty' as I am very overweight but I do always make an effort to look nice. A couple of months ago one of my colleagues mentioned to me that she though the two of us got on very well and she thought he had athing for me. I was totally amazed as I really thought I was imagining it and as I am surrounded by a lot of younger very attractive colleagues I couldn't understand why he did.
Cut a long story short at the end of the time we finished working together a couple of weeks ago and our department organised a night out, we were all riding on the crest of a very sucessful project completion and were a bit high. It became quite apparant through the course of our last working day together that my colleague had been right and that he did have feelings for me. Probably at this point I should have decided not to go out but I did and things progressed, he was absolutely lovely and we had a lovely time. We both had a lot to drink and we were very very late home. The day after I saw him fleetingly but not to rellay have a conversation with other than how was yuor hangover and to ascertain his girlfriend was furious with him. I then went on holiday and only got back this week. I've seen him a couple of times not on our though and we certainly have had any conversations re this, he is still being lovely and a little bit flirty. I just can't look him in the eye. I think I need some closure on this and need to ask him what it was about and does he want it to happen again. I won't do it again but I think I just want to know it wasn't a drunken mistake on his part. Also I still don't understand why,he has a lovely very slim girlfriend and I don't really understand what he saw in me. Am I just playing with fire by starting the conversation or is it sensible to get closure so that I can move on. It's taking up a bit too much brain space at the moment. Alongside this is I don't feel very guilty about it and my realtionship with dh is still lovely as always. Feel like I am going round the twist. Thanks if you've got this far.

OP posts:
singingmango · 28/08/2006 22:12

After a difficult weekend where I have seen him every day which I was not expecting I caved in and spoke to him because it was stressing me out. I just said that I was sorry he asked what was i sorry for and I said because I had mucked things up. He said I hadn't mucked anything up and as far as he was concerned I was still a good friend. So I'm not sure if that told me anything but I do fell better having approached the subject. Had a good cry afterwards as I do despite my earlier protests feel very guilty and hope I can draw a line under it. Feel as though I have compromised myself as a wife, mother and professional.

OP posts:
YeahBut · 28/08/2006 22:20

Don't beat yourself up about it. Sounds as if there is no harm done long term.

CurrantBun · 30/08/2006 15:20

I think what he's said to you clarifies it completely - as far as he's concerned you're still "a very good friend." 'Friend' being the operative word. To me, this quite clearly indicates that he has no desire for a repeat performance of whatever happened, and that he (like you?) wants to draw a line under it and move on with dignity and professionalism intact.

Take your cue from him. Count your blessings that this was nothing but a minor indiscretion and your DH didn't find out. Work on your self-esteem - could you perhaps start an exercise programme or join a slimming club if you're very self-conscious about your weight? Be happy with what you have and tell yourself every day that it's what you deserve.

toadstool · 30/08/2006 17:16

Agree with CurrantBun - he's not interested in taking anything further, so it's OK to store the memory away, and work on getting over it without losing a good workplace friend. Incidentally, if 'your average bit of totty' has to be someone skinny, what does that make of most of us when we're dating? You're clearly attractive to your DH, and to another fanciable man, as you look now - that's good, surely?
FWIW it does wonders to just avoid someone - i.e. when you know you're going to a place at work because he might be there, just don't go.

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