Changing DS's Surname by Deed Poll

[JohFlow]

Hi,

Seeking views on this one...

I am shortly changing my surname to relieve associations with voluntarily absent parents. Looking forward to taking on an extended family surname instead.

I named my son at a time when my ex and I were happy and marriage could have been in the future (we co-habitted for 14 years). I chose to give him ex's surname to save hassle later on. I feel that this was a mistake in hindsight.

I want to change my DSs surname to the same one that I will be taking on (he is currently only named after my ex). I have sole parental responsibility because of the timing of DSs birth. My DS is 10 years old and lives with me full time - he sees his Dad on alternate weekends. The reason for wanting surname change include - questions that ask if I am the biological mum (due to different surnames), why I 'named him after his dad', 'what happened to his dad?' etc. There have also been extra checks in hospital to see that we are actually related (humiliating) I physically cringe when I hear his surname and associate it with the harassment that his Dad has subjected me too since our split. I am ready to move on and also think that a DS should be linked to his mum by name.

I however; realise that the name may mean a lot to my son and my ex. My son may not want to move forward in the same way. I have sought my exes views (although technically I didn't need to). I asked him what my DS carrying on his family name would mean to him, how he would feel about a name change, and explained my views. I offered for my DS to take on a double barrel of both of our surnames - which represents a good compromise to me. Ex is not cooperating - only wants DS to have his name. His reasons for rejection e.g. 'may cause son stress' is nothing that we cannot handle.

I am seeking son's views tonight and will encourage him to think things over for a few weeks.

If I go ahead with the name change; we will time it so that it falls in the summer holidays. He can then get used to it and start high school with the new name.

Would you go ahead and change DSs name? Do you have experience of name changes by Deed Poll ; what do I need to consider?

All comments welcome....

You have to have the ex's permission to change DC's surname, if he has parental responsibility and/or on the birth certificate. If he won't co-operate, then you have to make an application to court, at which time CAFCASS interview all parties and make a recommendation to the court. And Judges are extremely (should write that in bold) reluctant to change surnames. CAFCASS told me that even in the case of children who had been abused by parents, courts usually won't change their surnames. Apparently, their 'need' to have that connection with their father (through a surname!) is considered to be paramount. Sorry to sound so negative, but have just been through this one myself!

Hi Pink,

Thank you for your response. Just to clarify; ex does not have parental responsibility - legally therefore the choice is mine. However; I am trying to make sure that his views are sought in the essence of fairness. I am seeing whether having a double-barrel surname (my exes and mine) is an option.

Sounds like your process was more complicated; I'm sorry if you did not get the response that you would have preferred. Are you able to move on in other ways?

My husband as a child went by new name from the age of ten and then changed it by deed poll once he legally could himself. You don't have to change the name legally at this stage. Just a thought.

Sorry Shopalot , do you mean that your husband called himself by a new name informally, it caught on - he then went on to formalise it legally later?

If this is the case; what did he do when official documents needed to be shown to prove identity - e.g. driving license, passport, bank accounts etc?

At ten your son will have become very used to and most likely attached to his name. Practically changing a name to coincide with a school move will only solve the problem of teachers only knowing him a X and won't go any way to helping with existing friends that I presume will be going to high school with him.

Your son and existing friends will inevitably forget and use his previous name which may well be humiliating for him (something you don't want for yourself).

I'd say the decision should lie with your son using some discretion taking in to account his age and maturity. By that I mean, even if he does "want" the change now, is he mature enough to know the consequences and is he like many children of that age open to wanting something today but not tomorrow.

These sorts of threads have come up before on MN and many people tend to be of the view that changing a childs name is mainly for the adult and not the child, from what you have written I'd suggest this is the case here. I'm sure your son is happy with his name and "not" given a choice would happily go on using the name he's known for many years now.

Good luck.

Hi JohFlow
If you can do it, then that's great. But if you can't, then I wouldn't recommend court. We're resigned to waiting until DC is 16 now. I think there is quite a lot of guidance online as to how you can do it by Deed Poll.

I just double barrelled my DD's name, didn't even tell her dad whoops

My son is 11 and we had similar situation.
Are you saying your ex has never applied for parental responsibility? Being almost the same age as ds, I think our kids were born at a time when it was not automatic. My ex never applied for parental responsibility and therefore did not need to be consulted when I changed his name.
The process is very simple - if you pm me I can send you the forms we used (not until next week though), you change the names, you have it signed and witnessed, then you send it off with birth certificate when you need a passport, and that's it. No cost, you do it yourself. The birth certificate is never changed - the deed accompanies the birth certificate always to clarify.
We started with the double barrelled and I changed to my name only. DS not sensitive to it because he'd always gone by my name, he was only 4 at the time and not close to ex. So our situation was different to yours in that respect. But I think it's much better for us to have the same name, and when I remarried I didn't change my name to dh's so that ds and I could still have same name. I'd ask him what he would like to do and just go with that.

Personally, I wouldn't. If there is still a decent relationship with his father you are messing with his identity for no reason other than because it suits your agenda. Your run the risk of sending him the message that he is not good enough as he is purely because of a name.

Don't get me wrong, if he was a newborn I'd tell you to give him your name, and if he was much younger, I'd tell you to go for it, but at this age I can't see a compelling enough reason to do it in these circumstances, sorry.

When he's 16 he can change his name himself if he wants, which will be in time to register it for GCSEs etc I think.

To be blunt it sounds like you want to change his name for your own emotional reasons and not for the benefit of your son. 10 is too old to be messing about with names, he will be used to and attached to his name.

If he wants to change it he can do when he is older. I think it is really unfair to even ask his opinion to be honest - because there is no way you can do it without trying to emotionally influence the decision.

He has had one surname for 10 years. He has regular contact with his dad. There is no real justification to change his surname here except you want to. (I also don't have the same surname as my ds so am aware of the occasional question).

Having the same surname makes absolutely no difference to the bond between you and your son. How could it possibly?

Sorry-had to attend to "real" life!!!!! I think you can change your name legally yourself at 16 if I remember correctly. So driving licenses etc were after he changed it. He just used the chosen "new" name for everything and no one knew it was not on his birth certificate. The school will use the name you give they don't need it legal IYSWIM. I use two names now-it just isn't an issue (maiden and married name in my case). People call you what you tell them to call you.

My DP was not married to his DSs mother, but at the time of His birth, she agreed to him taking DPs surname. They split up when DS was 8.

I have known DS since he was 9 and I know without doubt it would have been deeply harmful to his identity to have even suggested to him to alter his name. Huge implications of split loyalty and guilt esp. as his parents split was awful and if his mother had instigated the thought he would have been so torn. Thank God of all the awful things she did, messing with his name is something she didnt do.

DP has 50/50 PR, hence very close to his DS anyway, but even so, it gives them a very unique and lovely bond sharing surnames.

I would leave well alone
IMO

To reiterate - the intention is not to take his previous surname off him. It is to add my surname into it as well (as a double barrel).

You said I want to change my DSs surname to the same one that I will be taking on (he is currently only named after my ex). Are you double-barreling your name?

Son's current surname is Ken...... (singular, ex's surname)

My surname will become Stirz........ (singular), DS's father's name is Ken......(singular). Son's name will become Stirz....-Ken.... (double-barrelled).

Does that clarify it a little? I can see the reason for the question; reading what I put back

In response to Megan - parental responsibility was mentioned at Family Mediation after we split (four years ago). Ex has never applied for PR - no.

Another vote for not changing your son's name. It seems that you have coped for the past 10 years having a different surname to your DS (sorry if I've misread that from your OP, but it seems you never took your exP's name) so it doesn't seem like it's been THAT important to you to have the same name as your child.
Rather than double-barrelling, could you offer your son the option to add your new name as a middle name before his surname?

I think your reasons for wanting this change is really not good enough and seems like you want this more for you rather than him. The situation of mother and child having different surnames is so common these days I don't see what's the issue.
It's so wrong to mess with his identity now, he's had this name for 10 years! He does have a relationship with his father so again what's the problem.

Not sure who is asking inappropriate questions such as why I 'named him after his dad', 'what happened to his dad? but Im guessing they are people who dont know you well, in which case shouldnt you be politely telling them that its a personal matter, if you dont want them to know chapter and verse about your private life? Plus its to protect your DSs privacy. Should those people be important such they are causing a major change to your DSs identity?

Also, to my way of thinking, altering DSs name either by adding double barrel or changing completely, is still going to have the same effect, its a change!

Thank you everyone for your useful opinions. Bringing thread to a close.