Ever had a hunch and just been plain wrong? And also a bit of a wwyd

[Clueless37]

For the last few months I've been feeling as though my dh is keeping something from me. I can't put my finger on it and have no proof but he has become less communicative, looks quite down and is generally just not himself. I feel so sad as he's normally such a fun person and I love him very much. I've asked him several times if everything is ok, he says he is fine just tired. When I've then asked again because his behaviour is still the same he has just gets really irritable and snappy and says I just need to believe him and that it's all in my head, and that whatever he says doesn't seem to help.

For some background, we've been together for nearly 20 years, have had a really happy, fun relationship and never had any serious issues or problems. We have one dd and I recently had an mc which has been very difficult to deal with, however his change in behaviour began a little before this. He was also promoted at work a few months ago, works very hard and I accept is often tired out.

But I just feel there is something he's not being honest about, I know him so well, it's a feeling I cannot shake off and I'm at a loss of what to do about it.

For those who are immediately thinking 'affair', I have wondered this too. However none of the usual warning signs are there, no secretive use of phone (he leaves it all round the house, same with his iPad, with no passwords, and he knows I have access to his computer too, not that I've checked), no going out randomly, no spending money randomly, so I could be wrong but really don't think it's this.

Anyway, sorry this is so long but I wondered has anyone ever had a hunch and just been plain wrong about things? And what do I do next? The more I raise it with him, the more unhappy he seems to be and just goes quiet so I'm getting nowhere. Is he depressed? Is it me just going a bit loopy? It's making me so sad and really really worried.

Wwyd?

yes have many times had an incorrect hunch.

I loathe the idea your instincts ( much touted here ) are ALWAYS right. utter utter crapola bollocks.

in your case , sit him down with a glass of wine and be honest about your fears and concerns

I agree with MrsB. I think we always know when "something" is wrong but our instincts are not always right about what it is.

I does sound like something is wrong and my guess (knowing very little about you or him) is that it is linked to the baby. Maybe he was struggling with the idea of a baby later in life which has made him feel conflicted now it's gone?

I think all you can do is tell him kindly that you know something's not quite right and you're there when he's ready.

Could it be a worry about his health - some symptoms that he's too scared to go to the doctor about?

When he says you're imagining it have ready a list of every little change you've noticed. If he gets defensive, remind him of how upset this is making you and that if there was really nothing to worry about he should be reassuring you. I hope you get to the bottom of it.

Could he have depression or could he be having a mid life crisis type of thing?

Has his football team lost a lot recently?

Sorry, flippant answer. A more serious one - he could just be having a really stressful time at work, be tired etc. Sometimes people can be tired and can give the impression of being unhappy when they are not, because everything is so much effort, even smiling!

It could be that there are work/money worries which are more serious than you know, and he is trying to protect you from them - hence giving off "secret" vibes.

I don't think that's flippant DadonIce, I had a terrible time when my club went into administration. It really felt like the world was coming to an end but of course I couldn't admit that I was so upset about something so stupid. (They survived BTW)

Chances are it's a culmination of all these things he probably can't quite put his finger on what's wrong.

It could be a health scare? Threat of redundancy? Are your PILs both still around, is there some sort of sad anniversary coming up?

Thank you all for your thoughts, it's really good to know that most you think there probably is something, not just me being mad, so now it's about figuring out what I guess. Definitely not football though, he hates it

He was very keen to have a second child, says he still does want to try again once i feel ready. He's 42 and I'm 38 so we're not ancient but older.

I do think work could be a factor, it is a big promotion he's had and much as he likes the work it carries a lot of responsibility. He doesn't want to talk about work at home, never has much, just says once he's home he wants to forget about it.

Definitely not money worries, I look after all our finances, I even did his tax return for him so all pretty transparent there.

Health thing is interesting, he is super fit and exercises a lot, I wonder if that might be something I've overlooked. Is he starting to worry about getting older / not being as fit perhaps. Hmmm.

As for pils, his father passed away after a short but agressive illness almost 7 years ago now. It was awful and after an initial 'I'm fine' reaction he went to pieces a few months later, we took ourselves off for a break and he confided a lot in me then, definitely a dark time but did bring us closer and thinks settled down again. No anniversary for this until summer time, but his brother still has counselling as he became depressed after this.

I'm starting to think it could be lots of things, perhaps he doesn't really know what himself.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts, I will try to just let him know I'm here for him and give him a bit of space before raising it again in a few weeks if things are still the same.

The mid-life crisis thing is definitely really and he's exactly the right age, so as you suspect it could be all of the things you mention and as you say he probably doesn't really know.

I think you should trust your instincts. You've lived with the man for 20 years and you must know him pretty well by now. If he's acting out of character, he's acting out of character. That said, if he really doesn't want to tell you why then you might have to exercise a little patience rather than keep pumping him for information. (Which can get annoying) Where I'd draw the line is if this moody behaviour starts to impact on family life. That's when you tell him that whilst you're prepared to be supportive and help him overcome whatever it is, you're not prepared to be a martyr.

Any chance of having an evening out together? My partner says very little when something is bothering him, just generally goes quiet. However, if we go out for dinner, couple of drinks etc he tends to open up. Pushing him for information is unlikely to work, perhaps he is feeling the stresses of work. I know I've underestimated before, how stressful my partners job is.

Thank you everyone, all really helpful suggestions and yes I think some time to ourselves for an evening out is long overdue. It's great to know that I am right to trust my instincts but good to be reminded I need to back off a bit too, I can be a bit of a bull in a china shop at times

Thanks again mners

I wonder if this is anxiety and pressure from work, particularly given the recent promotion. I think this can be devastating for men of the type who find it hard to talk. They can feel very 'locked in' to something and very much under stress.

You say he doesn't talk about his job at home - maybe that needs to change. I would sit him down, and have a caring chat along the lines of 'Look, sweetie, I know that there's something up. You're so tired at the moment. I am concerned that you might be under a lot of pressure at work with this recent promotion. You're amazing, and I know you can cope with anything, but I also know how it feels to be plunged in at the deep end and worried about meeting expectations. I want you to know I'm always here for you, and I'll always support you. etc. etc. etc.'