How much do I need to explain?

[goneanonymous]

H has been moved out for 6 weeks now after I asked him to leave due to his alcoholism, it was the best thing I have done, I feel light and free and finally able to live my life how I want to, it's been a revelation. H though has stopped drinking, this is amazing, I am so proud of him because it can't have been easy BUT it hasn't stopped him from still being un-supportive, pig headed and selfish, I don't want him back. At ALL. I am very happy with this decision, I think we will be better as friends, sharing the parenting, in fact the thought of living with him again fills me with dread. He won't accept this though, I don't want to be awful to him because I don't want him to wobble now he is sober, it is better for him and our children and his parents and everything but I don't want him back in our house. I have thought this through, been to counselling for a long time to work out what I want, I am happy with my decision BUT Every. Single. Day. I have to justify myself to someone, my mil (who I love with all my heart, I stayed with her son years longer than I should because I didn't want to upset her), friends, him, all question, question, question. I just want to shout at them all that he has been a terrible husband, upset me so often, never been there for me or the children. But do I have to, can't I just say 'this is my choice, I have thought long and hard and this is what I am going to do' now fuck off and leave me alone. I lie awake having conversations with him and his mum and our friends in my head and I am exhausted. It is driving me potty and making me ill but I don't know what to do, I am a people pleaser for years and years I have put myself behind other people's happiness but NO MORE but they are breaking me by constant nagging and telling me I am wrong. RAGH they will break my head.

So how much do I have to justify my choice? I don't want to be awful to people but they wont leave me alone.

I would be brutally honest with your close family and friends about how awful he has been and how much you have suffered over the years. Hopefully that should put an end to their questioning. trouble is, unless you have lived with an alcoholic, it's very difficult to comprehend what it is like.

You don't have to justify anything!! Just tell people to mind their own business!. Yes it's good that he's stopped drinking but that doesn't turn him into Prince Charming! Stick to your guns and learn to stand up for yourself re relationship choices it's your choice.

I wouldn't recommend trying to justify your decision to anyone - it leaves you very vulnerable to the kind of argument, discussion, debate or conversation you might be having in your head.
Try an assertiveness course if there is anything nearby - or google 'broken record technique' which might help support you NOT to get into discussing something that is not open to debate... If you've made your decision, you've made it. Justifying it gives people the impression that you are open to changing it. Good luck.
When you say "can't I just say ..." .... Yes you absolutely can and that is a perfect answer to anyone's question. ..

Phew, thanks. The thing is Mil won't believe he is an alcoholic because he didn't need to drink as soon as he was out of bed, he managed to work (we'll ignore the mornings I made him do a disposable breathalyzer before I would let him drive) it was only in the evenings his compulsion to drink came out but you could see him twitch and wonder when it would be ok to start. BUT he is not nice to me, unsupportive and has no respect for me, it's worn me down and down over the years but I didn't want to upset people by speaking out, just kept it all in. He doesn't see that though, HE thinks he is a great husband because he goes to Tesco and cooks Sunday dinner for us. I said 'you are so unsupportive' to which he replied 'I AM supportive, I let you go wherever you want' at which point I just stopped talking because I think we live in a parallel universe or possibly didn't realise we both spoke different languages'.

"Justifying it gives people the impression that you are open to changing it." YES, exactly that, I'm just the sort of person who you can always talk round because I think 'well if it's that important to you, I'm not that bothered' then feel fed up I never get to do what I want to do. I'm a muppet!

You don't have to justify yourself.

On the other hand, if people think they are hearing "It wasn't so bad", then they will not be clear about why you don't want to be with him any more.

So, I'd be tempted to sit someone like your MIL down and tell her, calmly but clearly, that this marriage has been a total mess for a long time, and that the drinking was only one part of what was wrong with it, so can she please accept that this is a decision you have thought long and hard about, and it is for the best for everyone.

Then, if she asks again, you can say "No. We're not going round this again. This is how it is."

With your ex - I guess you don't want to be unkind, but equally I think it might be worth at least one go at having a sensible conversation where you tell him this is not negotiable, then do the same 'broken record' routine from then on.

Just be honest: 'I am so proud of H for stopping drinking and staying sober, he has my full support and I am looking forward to building a friendship with him and co-parenting with him. The hurt and anguish he has caused me over the years has killed our relationship and my love for him. We will never be together again. I need to look after myself now.'

This was not your choice, this was how things ended up, this isn't a cruel decision you are making to punish him - this is just the way things are now - end of story, no debate.

Good luck!

This is better, the feeling of empowerment I had at the start has all drained away, I know this will make me happier, I know after 20 years he cannot change as much as I need him to, I know that this is the right decision. Right, I am sitting up straight again, only I have lived my life, there aren't enough words in the world to paint a picture of what has been wrong with my marriage and in the end no one can force me to live with someone who I don't want to live with. Right. I'm going to have to remember that either I let people get annoyed now or I stretch it out making everyone unhappy until the inevitable happens anyway. Thank you, I needed you lot to put me back to where I was.

6 weeks is a very short time in the life of a sober alcoholic. I am NOT wishing any sort of relapse onto your H, but trust me, relapses CAN and DO occur.

You don't have to justify your decision to anyone. You don't even have to tell the details of your marriage. Can you say something, "It took me many years to make the decision, but now it is made I am sticking with it."

That's what I have been saying, 6 weeks is nothing in years and years and years of drinking, I think at the moment he is held together with righteous indignation that I should slight him in such a manner. It won't last and even if it does, he hasn't actually been good enough to me for me to want to quit alcohol forever in support! Right, I am sticking with it. Well right now I am going to go shopping because I had better feed my darling children after school or I will lose my lovely mummy status.

I don't think you have to justify yourself either. 'This is my choice. I've made a decision. It's the best decision' is all you should have to say and others should respect that. Even if you love your (ex) MIL with all your heart I think you have to tell her that, if she keeps pushing you for reasons, she will push you away.

You don't need to justify yourself. They don't need to understand, only to respect your decision. And well done you for being so strong.

As others have said, you don't need to justify yourself. Neither do you need to keep it quiet for anyone's feelings except your own. So say as much, or as little, as YOU want to say.

If you do say anything, JustSpeakSense lives up to her name and has a great suggestion!

She does speak a lot of sense, there should probably be an award for apt NN's . Thank you for all your input, everyone, it's quite isolating going against the grain, especially when you spend your life trying to make everyone happy! I am much more content now just reading all the replies, it's one of the best things about MN, you can reach out and get help when you really need it. Have a lovely weekend.

I remember when I split with my ex I was SO exhausted by talking about it with everyone. He wasn't a git or anything, it had run its course. He was and is the world's nicest man, just not for me, but NO-ONE could accept that. I think its great that you are so certain and the only way you can deal with this is just by the straightforward "no, I'm done" approach. You could also remind them that no-one really knows the ins and outs of a relationship bar the couple and rehashing things over and over doesn't help. Best of luck.

My response to people asking would probably be something like:

"I appreciate you are confused (interested/worried - as appropriate) but please trust me when I tell you that this decision was not made lightly but has been made for the right reasons. I hope you understand that I don't want to get into it right now. Thanks though."

If they try the "yeah but..." just respond again with:

"I'm sorry, but again, I'm not prepared to go into it right now. Please respect that."

If they don't want to listen then I would try and change the subject, or leave the conversation, whatever is better.

You could try

'I am glad you have had no experience of living with an alcoholic but it means you have no idea what happened in my marriage. The decision has been made, it was a hard one and I have no intention of discussing it with you now or at a later time. Now how is your daughter doing at school?'

Or

'You have no idea what happened behind the closed doors of our marriage. I have no intention of discussing it further with you either. The decision has been made. Now how is work?'

And quite frankly, there is no way you can consider having him back while he is in so much denial about his bahaviour.

You don't have to justify it. Have you actually told your dh its over and approached a solicitor for divorce?

I couldn't make out from your post if you had told him as you didn't want to upset him and him drink again. Whether he does or doesn't isn't your fault. Are you being ambilivent to not cause him distress and drink?

If your family and friends think you might let him back then make sure your dh is completely clear he isn't, and then when anyone asks say " no, our marriage is over but dh plans to be a great dad which is fine by me"

And if they say " oh, but he's not drinking" etc say " its not really something I want to discuss anymore. How is your diet going?'" Or whatever.