Just need a place to be sad.

[chocoraisin]

Some of you may remember the backstory, for those that don't, twunt left me when DS1 was 17months, and I was pg with our DS2, about 15weeks. He had been EA/FA/SA for a long time but I was still blindsided and shocked. OW and he moved in together asap and a long messy divorce followed.

Decree Absolute came on Dec 9th last year, which was great. Dec 25th they got engaged, yesterday I was called by SIL to let me know they are expecting a baby in Nov.

My life is infinitely better now without him, our DC are fine, but it still stings. I just feel a bit crap all round.

It's not at all because I miss him or wish it had worked out, I actually now have a new DP and have most definitely 'moved on'... but this just brings back a whole lot of emotional shit. She's about 13 weeks. Just a week later when I was pg with DS2, my life was turned upside down. I'm trying not to wish them ill, but part of me just can't help thinking I hope she's starting to understand just how awful and destructive that was. But there's no point thinking that, is there? Just got to pick up and move on (again).

Anyway, I don't know why I'm posting really - just to get it out there and be reminded that this was all so predictable, and it doesn't really change anything. And that I'm fine - life goes on etc. Maybe also just to have a in virtual company too. Anyone want to put the kettle on?

:(

Does 'SIL' mean his sister? Is she in the habit of shit-stirring? Abusive relationships affect people very deeply. I don't know how long you were together but, given that you were dumped when pregnant as well as having endured abuse, you're describing a very traumatic experience all round. Hearing that the poor cow he's with now is pregnant is bound to bring back a lot of memories.

Does your new DP know about any of this? A trusted friend? Counsellor? You obviously need a listening ear...

Kettle on.

I remember your threads, you always handled ex's shit so capably, you deserved so much better. I can well imagine the baby news has stirred up all sorts of memories. You fought to protect your boys and always put them above your own hurt. Now here's their fuckwit father impregnating his gf and their DC will be your DCs' half-sibling. Of course you are unsettled even though you know she's with a stupid arsehole partner.

Am glad to hear you have a new DP.

yes, SIL is his sister. She's not a shitstirrer at all, news was delivered kindly and was appreciated. DS1 is now coming up to 4 and DS2 will be 2 in a few weeks. They see dad regularly but he wouldn't share info about weddings/holidays/house moves/babies himself, so (I guess I mean ex-SIL) keeps me in the loop when it's something very major that may affect the boys.

DP does know about my past, and I've done Freedom, had a family support worker and done a follow up course over the past 26 months. DP is a beautiful man and a parent himself. Considers my ex to have an 'extraordinary lack of grace'. Which about sums him up! All in all I'm well supported and much happier these days, it mostly feels very sad and inevitable. Seems those closest to XH are struggling to be happy for him/his partner and again, that's sad (thought I understand).

I offered him my congratulations today when he collected the boys. Not sure what else I might have said but wanted to be clear that I know. Thanks for the brew Donkeys :) Am eating the last easter egg with it. Kids won't mind, I'm sure!

chocoraisin my sympathies! My nisi came through in mid April. Ex will file for absolute in late May and I have absolutely no doubt he and OW will be engaged by the end of the year if he even waits that long... And she will be up the duff not long after... I have a lovely new DH who adores me and my DCs and I feel so lucky to have him. That won't stop me feeling probably a bit sh*t when the news of them getting engaged/pregnant come! I think that's natural...

However, two things happened yesterday that made me think despite all that has happened I am so very lucky. One of DCs' friend's mum confessed to me her son has Asperger's (which isn't a sad thing at all) but it was the fact she was in tears about it and struggling to accept it that made me sad. She worries about him being an only one too... It made me realise how lucky I am to have 2 DCs who fight and love each other in equal measure. She was always very envious of that and it makes sense now...

And I was in a restaurant yesterday and saw some very severely disabled children in there with their carers. Again, it reminded me my struggles are nothing compared to that.. Count your blessings, I try to every day! X

Hi Choco - I remember your threads very well (have name changed twice but I was one of the many posters trying to offer support at the time)
You amazed and humbled me by your dignity when dealing with such a pair of nasty individuals.
So glad to hear you have a good man in your life at last!
And I understand your feelings re the ex and the pregnancy. I too am stealing myself for a similar announcement over the next few months from my ex twunt and OW.
I had therapy following what happened to me, and she said to me to let them get on with it, don't think about them at all(I was obsessing at the time and had also just given birth to his child) - I am not saying that you are anything like I was, you detached beautifully but all it takes is something like this for you to have to reflect yet again on everything that happened, all the pain caused and yet again having to help your children readjust to something that ex and OW are doing that basically suits them.
I think once it sinks in properly, you will view their situation with the same cool distain that you always did! (And I could never master - I'm a ranter and ex got, and still gets it with both barrels!)
Good luck with your lovely new man

thanks for your replies, I appreciate them. I'm feeling much more low today which is not helped one bit by being overtired and hungover. I feel pretty much miserable, and I wish I knew why I cared so much. It shouldn't bother me. I was expecting it, and the consequences are expected too - less CM, less time, DC unsettled etc. It's not the end of the world... I don't know what to do to snap out of feeling so low though.

Back when ex dropped his bombshell, you didn't have the luxury of dwelling on what he did wrong or what could have worked out differently.

You had to get on and cope and be a mother to your DCs.

Your fool of an ex was attracted to the warm, giving, strong, happy, person you still are. Even when he threw that back in your face, you were far from powerless.

Now time has gone by and you are in a new relationship (yay) and you have your beautiful boys. You know you are loved again. How could you ever be lonely?

Overtired and hungover, and perhaps hormones? Write this day off.

The news about the engagement and pregnancy were probably what you expected, this has confirmed what you anticipated, it's another matter to have it happen. Allow yourself today to feel morose then tomorrow is another day.

Dear OP, it's VERY early days since divorce etc. and no surprise you're feeling this way. Nothing abnormal about your feelings it all. I think part of it is wondering what might have been ... but you did the right thing, getting shot of him - he sounds like he was awful. Honestly, it WILL get better. Now, I'm just curious to know how you might feel in the future with him, married to the OW and with a child ... and he does the same to her. Because men like him have 'form' for this. 'Shadenfreude' is a most satisfying emotion, but I suspect you might well have a certain sympathy for the wife/ex OW of and course, the child, but if you didn't, nop-one would blame you one iota.

you're right oldgrandmama I would feel incredibly sad for the child, and yes, sad for the OW too because no-one deserves to live through that kind of pain. Even when they have caused it themselves in the past - I'm not an eye for an eye kind of person. I feel a strange mix of sadness already. Sad that this new child's announcement is not being joyfully welcomed by it's extended family due to the fact that OW and XH have alienated so may of them... plus, sad that my boys will have a sibling I know nothing really about. And yes, sad for what might have been (but I know there really wasn't anything good for us to have hung in there for, so that's not so much it). I suppose by the time it arrives everything will have moved on that much more and my boys will love the baby, as will everyone else. That's life - it just carries on.

I'm basically morose today and Donkeys you're right, I came on, so hormonal too! Not a lot for it but to have a bath, get an early night and shake it off. I spent the day building new bedroom furniture for the boys, keeping myself busy. I know they will be very excited to see their new things when they get home and focusing on celebrating our little home and life together will get me through quicker than anything else. DP is away for a few days and not in contact, which is probably no bad thing actually. By the time I see him on Tues hopefully I'll have processed enough to focus on how bloody brilliant he is and how lucky I am to be with someone so fabulous after twunt.

Less CM is infuriating but unavoidable. I always thought you wrote beautifully it would be marvellous for you to make money from it (not sure how exactly).

thank you :) I have actually started my own business this year, and am in the process of building it up slowly but surely. I'm not worried about money, I know that I can take care of the boys and myself. I would love to write more, and one day I may figure out a way to make some money from it!

I'm feeling much better today although very overwhelmed by the amount of stuff I still need to sort before they come home - I had planned to build flat pack yesterday, then work all day. My house is currently scattered all over with bits of IKEA and I'm going to really have to pull my finger out to get it all done!

At least I've managed to keep myself insanely busy this weekend. It's definitely helped to chase some of the doldrums away.