Is my dp lazy or depressed?

[sweetmamma]

Hi all my situation is this...

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years and we have a 16 month old son. sometmes I think things are alright between us but I often feel like Im just settling iykwim. Hes not terrible- hes not violent or aggressive, he doesnt drink or do drugs and has never cheated. At the same time he doesnt live with us (long and complcated)never takes me out- he goes out with his friends. Never shows much of an interest when I try and plan family or couple stuff. He acts like a kid never takes responsibilty for his actions. I feel like Im putting so much more in than him .

I have talked to him on several occasions and he says he gets it but then he just goes on as normal. I got to the final straw a couple of weeks ago and told him I wanted out. He assured me that he really did understand and was gonna make so much more effort. But still the same. We supposed to be moving in together but hes not putting effort into finding a place. I have to chase him or get mad, then he does it. I thought that he might be depressed because he doesnt show much effort for anything but Im starting to think its just laziness. He makes effort for his hobbies: cars and gadgets and goes out with his friends. I feel like Im dating a teenager (Im mid 20's). Really lost. This is really getting me down but I dont want to make things complicated for my son.

Any advice???

I think he may have got comfortable with the current situation. Sadly, if you have talked to him several times and you don't see him making enough effort to change the things... it may be the case that that change never happens

i think he's very unlikely to change unfortunately. i think either you have to accept that this is the way he is, and you'll have to do all the running around, or that you end it and find someone closer to what you need. sorry

Does this immature manchild (am sorry but that is to my mind what he is) live on his own or with his parents or friends?.

I would not think he'd change unless he wants to and at present things are just fine as they are for him.

I would hope for your son's sake that he does take some interest in his welfare. You mention this manchild's hobbies; is he maintaining his child financially?. If not you may have to come down really hard on him in a legal sense to make sure he does not shirk his responsibilities any further than he already has done.

It sounds like things are already quite complicated for your son; would the two of you splitting make that much difference in that respect?

He doesn't seem very bothered about either you or your ds, I think you deserve better than that.

He is a man child. Lives with parents. I think they have spoilt him by giving him everything he ever wanted. Now he just expects things to fall in his lap.

He does give my son lots of attention. He baths him, changes him, gets him dressed, plays with him etc he also visits daily so he is a good Dad. He does not support him financially because he has just finished studying and is now looking for work. But I do believe that he will when he starts working. His relationship with my son is not in question. When I meant he doesnt take interest in family plans I mean holidays and days out etc. Sorry if that wasnt clear. The issue is how he is with me although in my opinion we should have moved in together when I first got pregnant.

I think he is comfortable with the situation. We actually had a chat just now about stuff and he did the normal thing and ran to the computer to show he was making an effort. In his defence he has a very demanding family who take a lot of his time.

The other thing is I still really love him. My son adores him and he adores my son and he tells me he loves me. I want everything to work out. But its down to him to sort him self out and I dont know if he will.

It's telling that although you say he is the father,you talk of 'my' son.

sweetmamma,

I think if you are waiting for him to shape up you'll be waiting for many years to come if he ever does. Currently he has no incentive to change his behaviours because its all being done for him.

I would not blithely assume either that he will start paying for his son when he starts a job. This will need to be formalised on a legal footing. After all he is responsible financially for the first 18 years of this child's life.

He has got everything sorted out in his own mind; he has his parents for his everyday needs because they have indulged him and he has you with his child outside the home. He's an immature manchild who needs to grow up and leave home.

As for the comment, "he has a demanding family that takes up a lot of his time" I huffed. A demanding family, cars, gadgets I would ask where do you fit in exactly, what about you and his child?. His first and primary loyalty now should be to you both.

You want everything to work out but you cannot continue where his Mother left off. He may well expect you still to indulge him. If he was to eventually live with you as a family unit he is going to have to grow up, be a man and not an manchild and take full responsibility.

God yes,missed that re'demanding family'

You two are his bloody family!

If he was big enough to get you pg,he's big enough to take more than fleeting responsibility for the family unit.

moondog you are right -we ARE his family sometimes I forget because I dont feel like that. I feel like Im on the outside. I was thinking of giving him a kinda dealine. Either he finds us somewhere to live by end of year or thats it. What do you guys think? That gives him time to get a job, look for a place if he doesnt then I'll know hes not that bothered right? Then I walk away clear conscience because what I keep coming back to is my son. I dont want to give up on is his family. But if I know Ive given it every opportunity to work then what more can I do? Should we try counselling? Anyone else tried counselling?

I agree with the deadline SM.
Heisreally taking the piss.

I agree with the deadline SM.
Heisreally taking the piss.

V. Tricky, but you asked for opinions?

If you think he is lazy now, wait til you live together. I so agree with the comment about being looked after, and you say all things he expects to fall into his lap. Counselling? Yes been there, but it doesn't sound like he is anywhere near the required position to be in. Sounds like he likes the status quo and will only shift now and again when you have the energy to prod him. To go to counseling takes guts, honesty and responsibility. Not sure dp is stocked up on any of these qualities.

Appreciate you love him, and DON'T want a separation. Best thing I can say is, if you do live together, have basic rules WRIT LARGE about who does what and when. OTherwise, you will be just Mummy Mark 2.

I think this man with either never commit to you properly or do it and make your life a bloody misery. Sorry if it sounds harsh. If a man doesn't want commitment by the time you have a child together by living together, the moment has passed and you will never be valued how you want to be. Sadly, I think you should move on.

You need to be the most demanding branch of his family. You should def give him the deadline and if he does move in you need to make it clear that he is not getting another mother either.
Can you speak to one of his parents? Is there any way you can shoehorn your feelings into a private conversation? I assume they want him to move out too but aren't doing very much about it so perhaps you could work together to make it happen.

"In his defence he has a very demanding family who take a lot of his time." A man who places his first family before his couple and son? There's no defense on that, that can only bring more heartache.

I'm sorry for what I'm going to say, but, sometimes we have to let go of people we love. Life gives you hints about what's to come, and sometimes you have to take painful decissions to ensure your future is better.

Chandra - steady, please. I doubt, for me, that that situation is arrived at yet. You may well be right, but if I am reading it correctly, I am doubting if what has been said to him so far is athat stark. Please give him a chance to rise to a challenge, rather than condemning the relationship already?

Do suspect the prognosis isn't good, though.

No, it hasn't but the problem with nice blokes is you never get to have a real life changing moment when you can say enough is enough.

There are so many men that believe that the diference between having or not having a relationship is just that in the latter you can't sleep diagonally in bed. And it creates a lot of suffering and frustration to see that the man you do so much for can't give you what you need back.

My sister is a relationship like that, and it's not going anywhere, he is lovely but... he's is just wasting her time. And sis is always sad/annoyed because she doesn't seem to get back as much as she is giving.

Now, I have been there, I did let go of someone I loved because I knew he was not going to change. I "mourned" him for years but... time has proven that it was the right decision, his ex wife has had a horrible time both as his wife and his ex. And I have found a man that is much better than him. Horrible MIL I got, though!

Thanks for your advice. I was in a relationship like this one before. He too did not put in anything like what I put in. But he was also an attention seeker and a compulsive lyer and we didnt have children although we did go out for nearly 3 years. So in the end I asked him the deal breaker question: was he sure he wanted to be with me. He said he wasnt. That was enough for me and I walked and although I was upset I never looked back because I realise he didnt treat me all that well. Used to embarress me for his own entertainment, not stick up for me etc.

This time it is different my dp would never try to embarrass me, call me names or tell me pointless lyes. I have asked him the same question and he says yes he does want to be with me.

I think alot of it is to do with his family. His mum is quite old and needs him to do a lot. His sister has a useless husband that does nothing for her or her children. So he steps in and takes over. He does give us his time like I said he comes round daily often spending most his day with us. I think thats how he justifies it to himself though. He feels like he is keeping everyone happy. I had to point out to him that I am not happy and not everyone can be happy all of the time. It has definately dampened our relationship because I feel like I shouldnt have had to go through all this with out the right amount of support. In fact sex is on lock down and has been for quite a while. I made it clear that until I can see he is for real we are not gonna be intimate like that.

As for commitment- he did propose. I have since taken the ring off and given it back until I see something solid from him. He has such a child like quality like he hasnt maured yet. I blame his mum I know she thought she was doing right by spoiling him but I think its stunted his maturity. He doesnt realise that you have to work hard to get things or that you should face the consequences fo your actions ie getting me pregnant meant we should have moved in together.

Anyway I know a lot of you are pessimistic. So am I but I feel I have to give it one last chance for my son. If he does finally get this thing sorted we have a good chance of being happy. I wont waste the rest of my life waiting for it to happen though.

You guys have all been great thanks fo your support and time. I will keep you updated.

Good luck Sweetmamma, I hope that everything works out in your favour.