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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

One month to get my house in order before..

12 replies

scampbeast · 02/05/2014 05:30

I am thinking of leaving DH. I feel bad because after reading many of the posts on here he doesn't seem that bad, but I'm fed up feeling like i'm the only one trying.
I will try to be quick and relevant. DH was spoiled by his mum, and can be more childish than our 5 year old. He is stubborn to the stage that if I had told him "you will change dirty nappies" he would have made a point of never doing it (he will cut his nose off to spite his face and has done this sort of thing in the past). (btw I know how to handle him so he did change the nappies.)
When I became pregnant I had to sleep in an upright position due to problems. It was easier for me to move into the spare room so I could prop myself up at the wall beside the bed. When DS was born DH was working and had a long commute so I stayed sleeping in the spare room so that I wouldn't disturb him when I was BF at night. DH switched jobs and I weaned DS so I told him I would be moving back to sleep with DH again, however after a year and a half of having the bed and room to himself DH declared that he couldn't sleep as I was keeping him awake. He complained of my snoring yet when I got a device that gave me an electric shock if I snored, it shocked me all night with the volume of HIS snoring which he found funny. He also says I heat the bed up to much. At this point I gave up for a few months but when I saw a Councillor for my depression the subject raised its head again. She said he needed to be more accommodating, and I should work on giving him lists of housework daily rather than moan that he never did any.
So I did the whole list thing, and he stormed out of the bedroom each night then slept most of the day between his shifts and played a computer game at night until I gave up as the tension between us was too much.
He lost his job and I have supported us while he has done two years part time at University to get better qualified for a job which has still not materialized. DS is now 5 and still sleeping in a cotbed (feet almost touching the bottom) So again I have said to DH that DS needs his own bed and room. DH says we need two single beds in our room which we cant afford to buy ( that still wouldn't solve the snoring problem he says exists never mind me putting up with his snoring).
This is the straw that broke the camels back so to speak as housework is also an issue. He isn't working but I still end up doing most of the housework and if I leave a note it has to be very detailed of what he has to do. Empty and fill the dishwasher is not enough, I have to say get all the dirty glasses and plates he left round the house, dishes from the sink and add an extra note to clean his dirty pots and grill trays.
I have decided that I need one month to tidy the house to a stage where It might be acceptable to let people view it for sale (yes it is that bad as DH never throws anything out) after that point I will tell DH that I am moving back with my mum and taking DS with me.
I know I am suffering with depression at the moment but these underlying causes are going to continue until I make a change and this is the only one I see I have left to make.

OP posts:
myroomisatip · 02/05/2014 06:06

I don't know how you have lasted this long!

Would it not be possible to get him to leave? If you manage to get the house suitable for people to view, I doubt it would stay like that for long.

However, I do think you are doing the right thing in making your own life and wish you luck.

antimatter · 02/05/2014 06:17

There was mumsnet blog about couples sleeping separately and that this isn't such a bad thing.
Of cours this is not possible if there are other issues in a relationship.

Looks like you are under enormous pressure of having to do full time job and a lot of housekeeping which is driving you up to the wall. Your H is not seeing housework is as something he should be taking responsibility for.
I think this is worrying but I know how you feel, my ex was exactly the same.
It is selfish and inconsiderate and I totally understand where you are coming from.

TBH if you move out he won't keep house in good state and sale may not happen for a considerable length of time.

I don't know what best solution is but separation can be happening even if you are living under the same roof.

whattodoforthebest2 · 02/05/2014 06:40

Another one here who doesn't know how you've lasted this long!

Putting the sleeping arrangements to one side for the moment, I think you're at ultimatum time - he needs to be told that unless he can share the housework fairly, bearing in mind your working hours, without it having to be spelt out to him how to do simple tasks and provide proper support for you, then he should move out. He's not contributing practically or financially at the moment and you should not be driving yourself into a depression because he can't pull his weight.

You're paying for everything and doing all the work, so he's the one who should leave. Get legal advice ASAP and start the ball rolling. Once you've started doing something about it, he may change his tune, but you'll feel a lot more positive about the future regardless. Good luck.

lizzzyyliveson · 02/05/2014 06:42

People view and buy houses in a shocking state every day, so don't let that become an excuse. You might lose a few fussy buyers but most people know that they are buying the bricks and mortar and that the house will be empty on completion. Get it listed straight away, the thought of losing a few grand on the sale might encourage him to do some tidying too.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/05/2014 07:18

It sounds as though you are doing the right thing. When there's no joy in your life, you're going to end up depressed. If the person who is meant to be closest to you and cherish you above all others is making your life worse rather than better then you're left with few choices.

I think clearing the house out, aside from making it more attractive to buyers, sounds like it would be a good exercise for you mentally. Living in a tip is very stressful and it can be quite constructive and satisfying to take out the trash before you .... take out the trash :)

Important question, however. Does he know how you feel? Does he know how bad things have got?

scampbeast · 02/05/2014 10:30

We are not speaking this morning which suits me fine. Anytime we have an argument about him not doing housework or the sleeping arrangement he just says he will leave, probably because it is an easy fix for him to go back to his mum. If we had a 3 bedroom house I wouldn't have such a problem with the sleeping arrangement, I just don't want my son picked on when he starts primary school because he sleeps in the same room as his mum.
H (hadn't thought about missing out the D till someone else did it)
H is good with our son at times, he will take him out on walks and explained how things work when he is fixing computers etc. When H was working and we had more money he would buy a travel card and the two of them would spend the day hopping from bus to train all over the place. He can't adjust to not having money and having to be on a budget. I know that he has run up credit card bills and his mum has bailed him out in the past couple of years. He is like a petulant teenager, but I don't have anything I can use to keep him in line.
Part of the reason I want to leave is because I just feel like I want to be able to say to him "if you want to have the bed to yourself so much you can" also my parents stay a 30 min drive away and I think I would need their support with my son as well as mentally.
We have a holiday booked later this month, I am hoping that it will provide DS with some happy memories and so don't want to do anything before then.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/05/2014 10:40

He has previously said that he would leave; did he actually go?. And if not, why not?.

His mother did her son no favours at all by bailing him out because he has indeed expected you to do the self same as she has done. He is a mummys boy; she has done more than her fair share of damage to him. Such men do not change. I would also think that H is the root cause of your overall depression.

I would take H's name off the holiday booking and go without him. Honestly I would not go another month like this at all. The property needs to be sold asap.

antimatter · 02/05/2014 15:49

Are you in London?

DoctorTwo · 02/05/2014 16:58

Holy shit! I don't know how you've put up with this for this long. Next time he threatens to leave offer to pack his bags and fuck him off back to his mother.

Foodylicious · 02/05/2014 17:04

Just let him leave! Pack his bags for him and tell him he can stay at his mums.
also, what are the sleeping arrangements for your holiday?

scampbeast · 02/05/2014 19:27

Not in London. The property market in our are is very slow at the moment, it is taking 6months for houses to sell, a few years ago it was weeks.
I think I have not wanted to admit to myself that I don't feel the same way anymore, but I'm not sure if that is just my depression talking . I need him for childcare until I get my shifts sorted in my new job so I know what I am doing, maybe if I just tell him to go next time it might give him a shock enough to stop and think about his attitude. His mum might take his side but her neighbor might talk some sense into him, and he listens to her.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 02/05/2014 20:23

Why not see if you can throw him out. Or tell him to go and pack the next time he threatens to leave? He does sound like a dead weight.

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