Guilt-love DS but want my life back.

[Inapickle123]

It's 3.22am. I've been up since 2 with DS who is 15 weeks and I can't help but reflect on life since he's been born.

Horrific reflux and colic from weeks 1-11 saw me diagnosed with severe PND (obviously not the only cause, but certainly a contributing factor). DS literally never slept more than 45m at a time at night, wouldn't feed, had terrible trapped wind, was grumpy all day, wouldn't nap. When I was convinced it was reflux and went to the GP for help, I was dismissed as someone "looking" for there to be a problem and that I just had to
Accept that I had a "difficult baby"

We sort of got the reflux under control (different GP prescribed medicine) and we had a "good" few weeks; he dozed during the day, ate a wee but more, started sleeping for longer stretches, he smiled!!

But this week has been truly terrible again. Either the reflux is back with a vengeance, or DS is an early teether. He's spent the last week screaming/shouting all day, gnawing at his hands, refusing feeds and naps and had now been up for two hours crying on and off. He's starving but won't let himself eat.

I feel awful about it, but I can't help resenting how much my life has changed while DH just potters along. He's asleep in bed next to me and only has to deal with the crap for an hour or so a day. He doesn't do night feeds (works away a lot and v. Stressful job when he's here) and, while he helps at the weekends, it's often easier just to do things myself as DS rarely settles for him because he's not around so much. He still goes out (evenings and weekend nights) but, while he's offered to look after DS, I know l couldn't enjoy myself as I know I'd have to deal with his issues the next day. DH , while lovely, will sleep through anything and doesn't have the sense of immediacy needed when dealing with DS. I end up doing way more than my fair share and it's very, very draining.

I've been chained to the house since he was born; at first, due to my anxiety but now because it's "safe". Everything I need is here and I can't stomach the thought of going out.

I miss my life pre-DS and I hate myself so much for wishing things back the way they were. I miss the challenge of my work, the lazy days off, going out for a walk without packing the house, the peace and quiet. I miss likings DH and not resenting him for not pulling his weight.

Most of all, I feel like a total failure because I can't make DS happy. He's bloody miserable 90% of the time and that's my fault. I should be able to help him but I can't. All I can offer is a sodding dummy and a resentful cuddle.

I bloody hate myself these days. I don't even recognise myself.

things will get better
Re-reading your post I think your husband might step up to parenthood a bit more tbh - you talk about him 'helping' and 'offering to look after' yet still living the life of a non-parent.

All that you feel is very common , especially if you have pnd. Having a baby is a massive life change. Your son is tiny. It gets easier. Don't put too much pressure on yourself to get out of the house. Mabe start with a stroll around the block with the pram. Mabe ask your dh to pull his weight ; you are a team .

Oh my god, I have so been where you are. I am so sorry. It's awful.

My DS was born prematurely. He had reflux (common in prems) and I had shocking (and v painful) oversupply. The combination meant he was in dreadful pain for a long time and slept only for very short periods. The premie feeding nurse had had me keep a diary of feeds/sleeps/nappies... took one look at it at 4 week appt and asked me when on earth I had been sleeping -- well, I hadnt!

I SO SO SO remember how chained to the house we were. How I would dread feeding him, he would choke so badly and then shriek for hours and there was nothing I could do. I could never feed in public because of horrendous spraying of milk + baby gone blue due to choking and me having to turn him upside down as a matter of course (this tiny premie!). Was my worst nightmare, so tired, so lonely.

And of course I looked at DS and sometimes wondered what I had been thinking, believing I could care for him. And yes, wishing I was my DH!

They get bigger, and they feed better, and eventually they sleep. My DS slept v poorly (also a prem thing) and I thought I was going to die, honestly. We finally sleep trained at 13 months and he now sleeps 12 hours a night uninterrupted!

It won't always feel like this. But you do have to get through the shock and awe stage. Here are my tips:

1. Babysitter one morning a week. Please. DH must be fairly well paid? You MUST take this time for yourself. Even if you just sleep, fine, sleep. Baby needs to leave house. Don't buy into this baby-must-be-with-mummy-always malarkey. Babies have been raised by villages since the beginning of time.
2. Get earplugs and face mask to facilitate sleeping when sleeping is possible.
3. I advise cosleeping. I slept in tight-fitting long pjs with a hood, no blanket; DS on my chest. That was how we survived nights.
4. PLEASE try babywearing/slings to get through the days. I strongly recommend a Didymos wrap carrier. It saved us once we got to the stage you're at now -- that pre-teething, hold-me-mummy stage, which nearly killed me at the time. If you're interested let me know and I can give you advice. If you've tried a Bjorn or other non-wrap carrier, rest assured, wrap carriers are far superior, particularly for your back!
5. DH needs to take DC out of the house every day that he is at home, for one hour. Feed the child and pass him off. DC needs to bond with daddy and it won't happen while you're hovering (I've been there)
6. Get thee to GP for a PND assessment.

In time you'll be ready to leave house for girls' nights or whatever. It will get better. Try to lean more on DH. He needs to get on board, but also, you need to let him -- right now you're the expert and he may not feel it's his place to pressure you to let him take charge.

and please don't hate yourself. babies are hard. they are so fucking hard, no-one could possibly have impressed upon me how hard. i didn't even have PND but I can tell you, hand on heart, that i only REALLY started to enjoy my son once the baby stage was over. I loved him, sure, but Jesus it was hard to care for this tiny thing who just screamed and never slept.

Please talk to GP re PND. I could have written your post, but the PND screen showed I didn't have PND; you may simply be experiencing the normal (awful) emotions that go with screamy babies like ours. But you might also have PND, and that means you need to address that too.

My daughter had severe reflux in her first year. I was utterly strung out with it all but it will get better. Am so sorry you are feeling so down. I had twins on my own after dad pushed off so I know how hard it is to just get through each day. This is so hard for you but things will improve. I echo other posters who say to see your GP. In hindsight I suspect I had PND but didn't want anyone to think I wasn't coping so didn't seek help. I HATED my life at the time and felt that this was it....forever. It really isn't. Be kind to yourself.

Sounds about right, my ds was a terrible sleeper waking upto 15 times every night. I found out when I tried to move him to bottles that he'd got an upper lip tie. He had never feed effectively and therefore was always hungry. Also explained my mastitis.

How you feel is normal I certainly did, it will get better, he won't be this small for long and once he starts on food you may find that helps too.

Some good advice here, just wanted to ask if you have checked whether he has thrush? It reads awfully like how my dgd was at his age with thrush.

Don't be hard on yourself.

Have they increased his medication with his weight gain? Medicines such as ranitidine need to be dosed at a certain dose of mg per kg of body weight or they are ineffective.

DH needs to start doing more - the more DS sees him, the more likely he'll start to settle for him.

You do need to get out - sorry.
Go back to your GP and tell him truthfully how you feel, print out your post if necessary.
Try baby groups, and any PND support.
Have you told your DH how you feel, how bad it is?
Get your baby checked over again - is there a reason he is crying.
Ask for help. Pay for help.
Even if someone takes your baby for a 1/2 hour walk around the block can help.

It is really hard. Babies are hard. 15 weeks is nothing - it will get better, but it is so hard to believe that right now.

If it is teething, and it could be, they can have painful tummies.
Dd was a reflux baby and it seemed her symptoms came back with teething. Her tummy would swell right up and her sleeping which was always bad went right down the pan, her wind was agony for her.
Could you try a bit of calpol and wait ten minutes and then try a feed. It did help for us.
I think the wind was because she was swallowing so much air. But she also had vinegar smelling poo and breath when teething.

It will get better, honestly. Dd was a difficult baby with reflux and a tongue tie. Those first few months of her life both she and I spent in tears. Once she started on solids it made a world of difference. I agree about co sleeping, we still do it now and dd is 20 months.

Hang in there. The only way is up.

Are you seeing friends/family much? It's so easy to get lost in all the baby stuff, it's a massive adjustment, your life has completely changed and it's exhausting and such hard work. Just having another adult about to hold ds for half an hour so you can have a shower and a hot drink in peace and a bit of adult conversation can make all the difference.

It's also easy to feel like you're the only one who can deal with him but you need to get DH to help, even if you do need to deal with the aftermath the following day let him have ds for the evening/night, a good nights sleep can help put things in perspective and some daddy son bonding time will be good for them and DH can get a taste of how hard it is and what you're dealing with.

You used the word 'wee' in your op which makes me think you could be in Scotland? If you happen to be in/around Glasgow I'd be happy to meet up with you for a bit.

You poor love what is your DH doing to help? Why does he think he is entitled to get his 8 hours of sleep every night when he's home again?

while he helps at the weekends, it's often easier just to do things myself as DS rarely settles for him because he's not around so much.

Oh knock this on the head, the more he steps up the better DS will accept him instead of you.

Are you able to tell us which county you're in?

I think most mums have been where you are, me included. I promise you it will get better.

Your husband needs to step up, i understand he works and all that is very stressful, however, you can't keep doing this alone, he is his son too. Where SAHM are concered, there is an added pressure to do everything, housework, childcare, cooking etcetc. This isn't allways doable.
Do you take turns having lie ins? Cooking? Washing up? Does he do any night feeds?

My dd had reflux and colic, we changed bottles and it all calmed down and eventually stopped.

Thank you all for your replies-it means a lot.

I took DS to the GP today and we're now on a paracetamol/ibuprofen combo to try and encourage him to eat. No such luck yet, but it's early days. If he doesn't start eating soon (he's taken 2 oz since 4 am yesterday), I'll need to take him up to a&e.

DH does try-on weekend nights I do the middle portion and he gets up with DS from 7 so I can get a few hours of sleep. Problem is that DSs screams permeate my industrial strength earplugs, so I end up getting up anyway. I went apeshit at him a few weeks ago about his lack of commitment during the week and he has said he'll try to do one night feed a week but he can literally sleep through an earthquake (seriously, he's slept through an earthquake) so, by the time he comes to, DS would be hysterical and getting him to calm down enough to eat (which he hates anyway) would be near impossible.

I'm just exhausted. I miss my work and am counting the days until maternity leave is over and I should be loving it.

I 'm deliberately avoiding mum and baby groups because I don't want to be amidst a group of happy, smiling babies while DS goes batshit in the corner. It's hard enough hearing how easy friends babies have been, I don't want to actually see what life could have been like with a chilled out baby! A close friend had her baby 6 weeks after mine and I've honestly never seen him awake. DS has been super alert fr day 1 and when she complains about STILL getting up once a night to feed, I want to throw something at her head.

Have a lot of support with the PND. It was severe so I have consultant input every month.

DS is due to go to nursery from August and I'm tempted to put him in one morning a week so I can get a bit if a break, tidy the house and maybe even sleep.

I'm just totally done. I'm going through the motions because I have to but, if a genie came along and offered me a wish, I'd seriously consider asking for my pre-DS life back. I know its awful and the only reason I can explain this to you us due to the anonymity MN offers. If I told my family, friends or DH how I felt, they would be horrified.

Ugh.

Hand holding here, OP. I have a "normal" baby and the lack of sleep drove me insane during the newborn phase. Slings helped, as did scheduling time with friends/ family. They held the baby whilst I ate/slept.

Big hugs. When he is 17 and impossible to rouse from his bed, you will remember this and smile.

OP, put him in nursery one morning a week. if that's possible for you, do it. there are so many advantages: the carers are presumably experienced, he can get to know them from his earliest days which makes the full-time transition SO much easier, he will pick up viral bugs much earlier which again makes the FT transition less bumpy. And YOU get some time to breathe. Do it!!! Don't feel guilty about it, don't even tell anyone, who gives a shit what they think.

I hear you so much on the wanting to punch friends with easy babies. I had a friend whose DD slept 12 hours a night from 6 weeks of age. I wanted to kill her sometimes.

that "i'm totally done" feeling? that is normal for the early baby days, esp with PND involved. it's a fucking nightmare. people forget. even people who've been through it forget, and then they tut about how it "all goes by so fast" etc. fuck that, it doesn't go by fast enough for me!

the bright side of the forgetting: people forget because it gets easier and generally becomes enjoyable. my son is nearly 2 now and I can't tell you how much fun he is. I always say, I wish I could have farmed him out to someone else for the first 13 months... and taken my mat leave from then on! we both would have enjoyed each other a lot more!

I associate with the post natal group avoidance.
I was living rurally and had a emcs, so it was really hard to arrange to get there.Then my refluxy baby screamed through the whole thing so I couldn't hear a word, while all the other mums(or so it seemed to me) calmly rocked their sleeping babies in their carseats....

You may find things gradually get better.I found that at about 15-20 weeks the harder times got fewer and farther apart, slowly but surely.

It will improve and you will get out.I used a sling quite a bit and just walked up and down the track outside to start with.Perhaps you can make a point of getting out with your dh when he's off to build up gently.

Good luck!

I am just a few weeks ahead of you with my little boy, who has reflux and Cmpi. This week Ds has been up much more again and has been really unhappy again. We had a period like this at about the time you are at with your dc. What meds is your Ds on as I realised that alit if reflux meds are weight dependant in terms of dose and if you don't up it with their weight gain then you can go back to square one. Ds is on reflux and we have increased the dose 4 times now, once again this week and today he has started to get a little better again. Ask your gp what dose he should how be on. It does make a huge difference. Pm if you need someone to talk to. You are not alone

OP - hand holding here too. It is so so hard. Don't feel bad for feeling as you do - a lot of us here can relate and have felt the same at some point. My DD is 8 months now and better but there are bad days (weaning not going well at the moment for example and am v stressed with it) and I certainly mourn my old life at times. But it does and will get better, it really will. But I know thats not helpful now - now you need more support from you OH - as others have said. You need some time on weekends to yourself - I got my OH to take DD out to do chores on a sat morning once fed and changed so I could sleep/have a bath etc - it all helped me feel a bit more human and able to cope. And totally look into nursery one day a week - even the process of looking into it will probably make you feel better!

I think at least one morning a week in nursery pre-August is a good idea OP no one could begrudge you that. Plenty of mothers feel secretly fed up on ML for a multitude of reasons but in rl you rarely hear anyone admit to it.

Hi OP I think there is some really excellent advice here. I found the 4 month stage really hard going - a lot of people tell you it gets easier after 3 months but, for us, it all went downhill. DS was an early teether. The doctor said no way he was teething this earlier but he got his 2 bottom teeth at 4 months. Try to give him clean wet cloths from the freezer to gum on. Iwas BFing and at this stage DS went on a hunger strike screaming every time I tried to feed him - it was hell.

I found that he was much happier if I took him out and about - he could be screaming for hours at home and as soon as I took him outside he calmed down straight away. It also improved my mood so please give the mothers groups a try. Hopefully you will find someone there who is having similar experiences - not all babies are happy at this stage!

Now my DS is 11 months and such a complete joy. Yes we still have hard days but now he is crawling and cruising and so much happier. Your DS will get there too. Some babies just hate being babies!

I hope you feel better soon x