Tips for coping with EA exH and getting myself back??

[Crazyfeministmama]

Just that really. We separated a year and a half ago after 8 years, because I could not cope with his controlling behaviour and high expectations any more; the legal stuff has been a nightmare and is dragging on, we have one DC who he has EOW contact with. I don't want to give too many specifics online.

One of the things I have achieved through legal action is space - handovers are not at my house; any other contact is through email and I use a separate account which I check once a week. This is much, much improved from what was initially a very hostile split as he did not accept it and fairly well harrassed me.

But he seems to be, every week, coming up with two or three new requests which range from the completely outlandish to the absolutely reasonable. We are not in court, but doing it through mediation, nonetheless this already has cost thousands in legal advice and correspondence because of his refusal to engage properly and trying to get me to do most of it, and earlier on, because of the hostility was fairly traumatic. We are inching towards a legal agreement, but even then, he won't stop, I know, at least I don't know how to get him to understand that push, push, pushing is making me close down because he doesn't respect any boundaries, and so it is making things worse.

It is made harder by the fact that he seems genuinely committed to maintaining a relationship with DC, obviously loves DC, even though his lack of support was one reason why we split. So, he is not going away and for DC sake, that is probably better because he is more involved with DC life than he ever was before.

So, my question is really, how do I change my own reaction? I am fine when I have everything closed down so that he cannot contact me; but then obviously I have to have minimal contact and this triggers anxiety attacks and stress and I feel back where I was. Though even when I am fine, I still have nightmares about it which make me literally sick in the morning. I'm not going into details of what happened in the marriage and afterwards, but I feel like it damaged me and I have kind of got stuck with getting over it. How do I get myself back?

Counselling. Find a good counsellor and start unpicking what is going on. Process the damage, get some clarity and some validation. I have only had two sessions after 14yrs of living lie. It is helping massively to move forward and cope with contact and ongoing fuckwittery from exH.

Well done for getting out never forget what a fabulous thing you've done by getting out.

Are you certain that the "mediation" route is the best route for you ?
Consider something a bit more quick and fair, and be done with it. As to whether he keeps contact with DC, then offer to allow him to see him, and be fair there, but remove contact with yourself, and so forth. Cos it sounded like you truly need to do this in a way which helps you more. Remember, you are allowed to lead the life in a way which helps you as a person.

Do not expect him to understand, because he is not playing fair any more basically. That is why he seems to want to hurt you also too through bad conditions. I would encourage you to also have a female friend, or family to distract you while you go through this too. Please do not go through it alone, but really focus on what is required, and just do them so that it does not hurt any more. As you mentioned that this is giving you anxiety attacks, this is not good. You need to find a way to stop it asap.

I came out of a long EA marriage about two years ago. Based on my experience I'd say there are two issues here:

1. how you deal with your ExH and 2. How you move on yourself.

As far as 1 goes, you need to recognise that he is still trying to control you but less overtly. The answer to any requested variations at any time is either silence (best) or if you must reply, a single word no. Remember the Mumsnet mantra, no is a complete sentence. (If you have trouble with that make it no thank you). Don't assess the value or reasonableness of his variation, the answer is always no. He gets his rewards from successfully undermining your boundaries. That is what EA is all about. You need to shut down any engagement with him consistently and for ever so there is no reward for him.

1. How you move on yourself: this is the best bit. Basically you can do this any way which suits you but the whole point is to live by the Bob Dylan line "you've been down to the bottom with a bad man babe, but now you're back where you belong" (this is my personal choice, but choose one which resonates with you).

I chose psychotherapy followed by life coaching because I was seriously screwed up by my marriage ending and needed help. It's not the only route but it worked for me. Psychotherapy helped me to identify that my emotionally unsupportive relationship with my parents groomed me for an abusive relationship. I literally did not know better. Life coaching helped me discover me, what I wanted out of life going forward and what I believe in - things no-one can take away from you.

I'm not "fixed". I have chosen never to have another relationship because I believe I would always end up with an abuser (rather like being an alcoholic), but frankly I am bloody happy with me and with where I am in life. I know and like myself and I believe I have worth. None of those things were true whilst I was married.

Splitting from your ex has given you a great opportunity to be who you want to be and to be happy on your own terms. The healing process means embracing that. Move on, be you, it's great.

Thank you

Handywoman, I think you are right about validation. I have posted on here on different threads and that is why I also feel a bit stuck because I think you are right, I am posting to validate what happened, but I am not able to process it. And that may be because I am beginning to feel that the separation has the same dynamic of the marriage, all I have done is increase the space around me.

Maisie0, if I had known a year ago, what I know now, I would not have gone this conciliatory route. It is financially exhausting me and we have no settlement and it is absolutely open to abuse. I am actually at the stage where it is 'this is what needs to happen' or it goes through court, but I don't think he would even respect a court either, I would still have to police the boundaries, if you see what I mean. I suspect I am also exhausting the patience of my friends who want me to tell him to f* o**, which I can't do.

3mum, do you know, yes re the parents. I have no support there, never have done. Also, my feeling is that I will not have a relationship again either. But I have also no feeling of having any worth myself (sorry, it is quite cringe-worthy saying that, it is not a pity me party, but with distance, I can see how it was steadily eroded, and he is still doing it), so yes, work on that.

I'm going to have to go to bed as I have to go to work tomorrow, but thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I do actually feel better for even just writing this and reading the replies. I will check back tomorrow.