so unhappy with DH

[gibbly]

I've name changed for this. DH and I have only been together a few years and he's 12 years older then me. In the honeymoon phase I thought he was 'the one' things happened quickly before we got to know eachother properly. Now I realise I don't feel how I should about him. I care about him but don't think I'm in love with him. The other night it almost hit me like a brick when I realized how unfulfilled and unhappy I feel being with him. The thought of spending the rest of my life just settling for this makes me want to cry but I don't feel I could really leave him as I'm scared of being on my own, I have family but no friends and we have 4 month DD. I know he doesn't fancy me, doesn't make me feel special and has never been romantic. I agreed to try counseling but 3 weeks later and he's still not arranged anything. I don't think there's any way I could go back to feeling about him in a loving good way.

Oh no. I'm sorry!

Early babyhood is a very hard time for almost every couple... maybe you could organise counselling for yourself, rather than for both of you, just to ensure that you've addressed your end of things (PND assessment, etc.)?

Is DD sleeping through? Is there a fairly acceptable distribution of labour in the household just now? How is he behaving towards you and DD day to day?

Why are you scared of being on your own?

I have thought maybe I am depressed and it's not actually him making me unhappy but if that's the case then how come I don't feel close to him in any way, even if he tries to hug me it feels awkward and wrong to me. We had a few problems before DD but it's just got worse to the point where I feel there's no way back. It's silly because half the time I feel I'm on my own anyway but I have no friends and the idea of not having someone else around is scary to me. As shit as my marriage is, without him I really don't have anyone but my family but they all have their own lives

A new baby, as has been said above, is a major upheaval in life, brings all kinds of questions to the fore, changes your priorities and all of that can impact on a even a great relationship. If it's a bad relationship in the first place, having a baby can really show up all the cracks.

You sound like you were bounced into the relationship a little... swept along and probably flattered. You say he's 12 years older.. how old are you? It can feel romantic at the time but, as you say, when the whirlwind stops and the dust clears you can find you've made a mistake. How long is it since you met, how long have you been married and what were the 'few problems before DD' that you mentioned?

The problems we had before DD is a long story but for different situations I have resentment towards him and he knows about this a little. I'm 27 and although he's older then me he is no where near as mature and his parents told him what to do all his life so now it's like he wants me to take that place like I have to think for myself and him which I can't do anymore. We have been together 4 years married a year and a half. I think part of me feels sad to let go and worry it won't be the right decision. I just want to feel happy even just sometimes.

That's certainly something that gets thrown into sharp relief once you're caring for a baby. Being expected to run around after a 40 year-old on top starts to get very boring, very fast. Especially if you're lonely & you say your DH doesn't show you any affection either. What is the bloody point?

Can you identify why you don't have any friends? Is it because you don't connect with people, don't like them, or has your DH been monopolising your time?

I also have to sort out all the serious grown up stuff, knowing when to pay bills sorting things out etc. I even have to help him write job applications. He does show me affection but it feels fake and forced like he's just doing it to try and keep me happy but our sex life is basically dead and if it happens it's rubbish and I regret it sorry for TMI but he doesn't even know how to put it in, I even have to do that for him!. I've never been a confident person or popular but it seems over the years people who I thought were friends have just disappeared with no explanation. Now I feel I wouldn't have anything in common with them.

Does he have learning difficulties?

No but he's not exactly what I would call well educated, he has terrible handwriting and is no good at doing things like that, despite me trying to make him do it himself.its like he is totally incapable of any independent thought. I've come to realise he won't change but don't know what to do about things

It does sound a bit grim. You were 23 when you met him: what was your previous relationship history? Because it doesn't sound like he had much to offer from the beginning, which makes me wonder if you picked him because of 'at least' reasons eg at least he wasn't violent/an alcoholic/a fannyrat.

Relationship history wasn't great but no violence/cheating or anything like that. I guess I thought as he was older he would be more mature and could give me the relationship I wanted. At 1st it was like we had so much in common I know it's cheesy but I really thought we were soul mates, now it's like strangers

Is he dyslexic?

I know a few people who were similarly hopless at stuff, got diagnosed with dyslexia as adults, had help from night classes/ employer and have been able to step up and manage their own stuf once they realised they weren't stupid.

Though I have to say that seems like only a small part of your problems...

I should think the reason that you felt like you had so much in common initially would be because he did a lot of 'me too' mirroring. As you say, he's incapable of independent thought. Very normal for that kind of person to pick up on whatever you say and pretend to be the same as you in order to ingratiate themselves. 'You're interested in religion? How about that? I've always been spiritual!' etc.

You may not know how to get past this but one thing is sure, it'll be you that has to take the initiative. He's probably not a bad bloke, just the wrong bloke.

cog I think your right. I agreed to counseling if he organized it...that was 3 weeks ago. I also have strong suspicions that he is gay although he denies this

He sounds dyspraxic possibly

noddy just looked that up and dear Lord it was like they were exactly describing him as if they knew him!

It sounds grim indeed. You are way to young to live the rest of your life like this. Being on your own is great, it really is maybe the couples counselling is worth a try, even if you use it to help you split amicably which many couples do.