What to do now

[acatcalledchinchi]

This may take a long first post, but I need to get it off my chest. Met DH overseas in 2004 when I went to work. Married 3 months after meeting after whirlwind summer. Will have been married 10 years in October. We lived overseas for 3 years until moving here after my Mum was diagnosed with breast cancer.

I fell pregnant and DS was born prematurely, my Mum passing 3 months after. Her house was left to me as I've no siblings and my Dad passed away in 2001. Mortgage was paid off and we continued to live there until moving areas a year later once DD1 arrived.

We own a cafe and currently live above. Due to young children, for the first 3 years I couldn't work due to having no childcare. However, I have been able to work for the past 2 years with DH, meaning we are able to save money aside due to less staffing costs.

In this time we have bought two properties overseas. The first was money that he had from the business he used to run overseas (hotel). The second was bought due to remortgaging my Mums house. Both properties are on his fathers name due as there was problems with outstanding tax debts on DHs name overseas.

DH has always been hot headed and very blunt. He is an amazing father and loves our DCs immensely. I always say how thankful I am that he was there when my Mum died as he helped me see straight and make decisions that I would have probably regretted. I never go without anything. I spend two months every summer with the inlaws and children overseas. However, I am not happy. He is emotionally abusive. I feel that whatever I do is never enough. There is always something wrong or something not quite right.

He has just spent a month overseas visiting his parents and took our youngest as she is still in nursery. I looked after the business and the elder two children. With the stress of working 7 days a week, looking after two children, looking after the home etc I have lost 8kgs in 3 weeks.

I don't recognise myself anymore. I'm forever on tenterhooks. I avoid sitting up with him on a night. I don't do anything with enthusiasm because I just don't feel the point. I feel like I've given up on everything because it's never good enough.

We argued this evening after I felt like Id been constantly pulled down by him all day and when questioned about all I have and all that's been done for me in 10 years, I told him that I don't feel like I have any right to the properties in his fathers name. He went mad saying that he's never done anything wrong by anyone so why would he do wrong by me, the mother of his children who has nobody else. Yet I feel different. Why is all the money we have going overseas?

When he was away I felt so relaxed. I was my old self again. I laughed, I drank, I danced around the house with my earphones in, yes I was exhausted from work, but I was my own old self again. I dreaded him coming back from holiday. Tonight we have argued and he has said hurtful things. Why should I put up with it? I have until now because I have been scared of having no immediately family, no money to my own name etc, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling put down and like I'm not good enough

Wow. The money from your mother's house went to buy his dad a property???
Why couldn't it be on your name?
And why didn't he pay the outstanding taxes with the money invested in the first property?

Apart from anything else, what happens if he dies? You and the children are left with nothing. His dad will keep the properties.

I very much doubt he'll do good by you, but you may need to cut your loses and leave.

Have you had any legal advice?

At the time I believed the right thing to do was put the property in his fathers name due to the said outstanding tax. This tax debt was sorted last year. When arguing tonight he told me that when I go in summer that I should get both properties put on my name if I seriously have no faith in him.

We went through a very bad patch this time last year. A friend of his who had become a close family friend told me that he expected that DH was doing all this so I wouldn't have a claim to anything. We worked through our issues and I never had reason to doubt him as everything seemed to be going so well. My Mums house is up for sale at the moment and once the outstanding mortgage is paid we'll be left with around £25k. I asked if we'd use that money to renovate our new house but he said that money was separate and that he thought of buying land overseas with the £25k.

Up until now I've believed that all this investment (the two properties overseas are rented out as businesses so there is rent being saved every month from those two) has been for the future of our children. DH and his two sisters will be left with a property each from their parents when they pass. It's in their culture to provide a house for each child, and at the moment, we have reached that stage. As I mentioned, I had no reason to suspect anything. He said that even before we had anything that he always said no matter what that my mums house is mine. Yet slowly but surely everything seems to be slipping out of my fingers.

As long as his fathers name is on the title deeds, it would be almost impossible to prove I have any claim to them even though I have bank statements showing large sums of money being transferred overseas. Part of me wants to believe that the past 10 years haven't been a lie. It's a long time for a man to be with a woman he doesn't truly love, for him to send me on holiday for two months every summer with the children. That isn't the base line for me though. For me it's how I'm made to feel, like my best isn't good enough. That I'm walking on eggshells because he 'has so much on his mind' etc. I just feel stuck.

His comment about putting the properties in your name is designed to make you say no.

Take him on his word. Not for you but for the children should anything happen to him.

And don't allow any more money slipping out of your fingers. Keep it in your name.

Then decide what to do about the marriage.

Remember that it's ok to leave and that he can still be a great dad in a separate house. Just be careful about the possibility of him taking the children overseas.

Said friend told me that I should make sure we have our own house over here first so that I'm not left with nothing. He said I need to get myself stable before I make any decisions about marriage, but to be honest, I'm too emotionally drained to want to go any further.

I hate myself at the moment because I don't have an ounce of energy left and I feel like this is rubbing off on the kids. My head is always in another place and I feel like I'm not giving them the attention they need and deserve. I just feel like crap.

Your OP gives me the feeling that you have been financially manipulated. His huge defensiveness when you approached the subject is a particular concern.

Try to obtain legal advice as soon as you can. This is the only way to gain clarity on the facts of your financial arrangements.

You don't have to stay in this relationship. Emotional abuse does leave people confused and exhausted. Obtaining legal advice may help you take the first steps towards regaining your strength, and feeling less stuck.

Don't hate yourself for how you feel

Personally, I'd bid my time for a few months, ensure that at least one property was in my name, and plan for separation, preferably with legal advice.

Make sure he can't see this thread.

I hardly know myself anymore. I used to be so outgoing and confident and now I'm somebody who is criticised with every step I take. It's got to the point of me thinking why should I bother if nothing will ever be good enough. I'm always getting compared to his mum, how she worked as a teacher, raised 3 kids, had an immaculate home etc. I will never be his mum. I have no surviving family. I am raising three kids 24/7 with no break because I have nobody close knit enough that I could trust to babysit. I have been on antidepressants since the beginning of March. I despise him yet it feels like he holds all control and he could be so manipulative if he tried. I even informed Crimestoppers lastnight that I believed he would be driving under the influence of drink as I knew he was off out to see his friend. I was desperate for him to be caught. No such luck.

You don't have to jump through his ridiculous hoops for one more day.

Someone who constantly criticises, and negatively compares you with others, is doing it to make you miserable. So you won't ever reach their imaginary standard, because that isn't the goal. Your unhappiness is the goal.

Women's aid can give you the strength to get out. Why not call or email them.
www.womensaid.org.uk

Yes to WA. They will help you with a strategy. But keep posting for support.

I think you need to record his emotional abuse.
Talk to a GP, even within counselling. You may need records to show he is abusive because you may need legal aid to divorce. Particularly as he is also financially abusive.

And I bet you'll get off the ADs once he's gone too...

I told him this morning that it wasn't working out, that we made each other unhappy and that if after 10 years were still like this, then there's no hope.

He told me he would pack his bags and leave until I'd found somewhere for myself. He did the unexpected u-turn, almost like he was waiting for me to tell him not to go, but I didn't. He's out at the moment then will go get the kids from school. Passports etc safe so I've no worry there.

Could this be it? Ive finally stood up for myself and told him I want out. I contacted our friend briefly via text who told me he thinks I'm rushing and that I should at least try gain some stability for the children. He says it's not as simple as 'it's over'. Bet he isn't emotionally or financially abusive to his wife though so it's very easy for him to say with three grown up girls.

DH said he didn't want it to be a separation for 3 weeks and be long and drawn out and then everything go back to normal. He said it's not fair on the kids. I told him that how the kids are living now in this environment isn't fair either. He seems to think I'm going to crumble as soon as he's gone and to be honest, yes I am scared about which foot to move forward with first.

Bravo, acat, that was a brave move.

It would be rare for an emotionally abusive partner to go quietly, without further abuse or attempts at manipulation. So it's only fair to say that you should look out for further tactics, such as: acting as if nothing has happened; promises to change; flowers and kind behaviour; guilt trips ('think of the children'); threats to self harm; frequent requests to return to the house for trivial things, and so on.

I hope you are feeling ok this evening. Please do see a lawyer as soon as you can: your position regarding money and property really needs clarification. Don't leave yourself vulnerable.

You're brave, acat -don't let him talk you out of it now. I am appalled, frankly, that your cash has been so craftily extracted from you - gone overseas, in his father's name - do me a favour! You must get good legal advice about this and also, whatever you do, DON'T let proceeds from sale of your late mother's house out of your sole control. Set up a new bank account, if necessary.

I'd make it a condition of getting back, putting the properties in your name.
Then decide what to do...