Head turned

[Breakhardthewishbone]

I've been married 12 years. I have 2 children, 7 and 4.
It's been a more than ok marriage so far. I think it's probably even a good one. We are both a bit knackered all the time from work and kids, who isn't, but my husband is a good man. He loves me. And I do love him. I don't feel that teenagery in love thing any more really but I think that's probably to be expected. I am trying to improve "us" by suggesting date nights, initiating sex, asking about his day, etc. When we have meals out or whatever we have fun... but then it goes back to normal and unless I am the one to arrange/initiate again it just doesn't happen. It's always been like that, he is lovely but laid back almost to the point of passive.

And then. I met someone. We work together. Absolutely nothing has happened between us, I promise, other than stupid levels of chemistry that I haven't felt in such a long time. I am pretty sure it's not one sided. Neither of us is free to act on it. The fallout would be immense and I know it's not worth it. Or right. I also know we see each other in unreality. It is easy to be funny and sparkly when you're not shovelling washing into the machine or arguing over who needs to pick up bog roll on the way home. This is not real life. I know that. I really do.

I need help to get past it. I can't avoid seeing him in the near/foreseeable because of work. Moving jobs isn't a very practical option, it's quite specialised and stuff doesn't come up often. I am trying not to be alone with him. I am trying to ask after his wife and kids, and build a relationship with her on the occasions I see her briefly, so as to keep him firmly as "X'S husband" in my mind. I am trying not to have any in jokes or anything that could lead to intimacy. I am even reading threads on here by women who have been cheated on and trying to keep myself firmly based in how horrific it would be to do that to someone. Not to mention how it would impact my husband and kids.

I don't really know what I want from this thread but I don't know who else to talk to. I am trying really bloody hard to do the right thing here. I am able to physically arrange life so that there is never an opportunity for anything to develop with this other man. But I'll be honest, there's a fair bit of crying in the car on my commute right now, too.

Any tips, for getting over this? I really do want to. Honestly. My head is trying so hard and my heart is not playing ball and I need it to. Will it just pass, eventually?

I am the wrong person to ask - and to answer - but fwiw.

I met someone I really gut-bustingly fancied. I was desperate to kiss him - an all-out, old-fashioned long lingering snog. My exH was not a good kisser or tactile.

Anway, very long story short, we snogged and it was the best snog I have ever had in my entire life. It led to other things.

But my marriage was already in trouble when this happened. By the sound of it, yours isn't.

You seem to be doing all the right things. Eventually the infatuation will wear off. Picture him on the loo, or picking his nose or asleep snoring....

Not much you can do really. Just keep it as fantasy. We all have them. (I think) There's no point in me saying stop thinking about it because it's like telling the sea not to be wet.

I always remember a one night stand I had when I was married.
Have no excuse for it - he was absolutely utterly stunning and the chemistry was unbelievable.
I was drunk and don't remember getting from the car to the bedroom but woke up in bed with him and had a very very good shag night of fun.
He wanted it to continue. I walked away and avoided him. I wanted my marriage to work and was mortified shocked at what I had done.
But I thought about him for a long time after!!

Iv been there in the past and cheated on previous partners iv also been cheated on conclusion iv come to is if I play away every time my head gets turned il never have a long term relationship so if I ever get a daft crush now I see it for what it is. And it's normal by the way your not a bad person just don't act on it all the chemistry in the world with a new fella would still end up the same as you feel now years down the line no doubt . Relationships take work. The grass ain't always greener ( In fact it rarely is!) and you have a lot to lose ! Put effort into your current relationship and remember why you got together in the first place x

Also, these are just the symptoms of things going a bit stale in your marriage. This bloke could be anyone really. You're probably fantasising about wild sex. Like I say, just keep it at fantasy. I've no advice on how to fix a flatlining relationship though I'm afraid.

The grass is not greener it is astro turf.

I thought I fancied one of the Dad's at rugby, but when I thought about it I fancied his sense of humour. If that makes sense.

You're normal. It's normal. Time will sort it IMO.

I know this might sound insane but can you talk to your dh about it? Maybe in a round about sort of way... "There's this guy I see at work occasionally and he makes me feel a bit horny. I miss feeling like that in our relationship, can we work on that..."

Part of how you feel could be wrapped up in the secret of it all. And removing the secret element removes some of the power in the emotions. It also gives you and your dh the opportunity to address what might be missing in your marriage.

You're not alone by the way. I've just had a period of lustful thoughts about this random guy I see on the train, I was basically conducting a totally imaginary affair in my head... And talking it through with the husband helped. Although it was easier because my dude didn't really exist if you see what I mean....

Good luck, you're doing the right thing not acting on it.

Thank you all so much.

I think the secrecy thing is bang on teenage , which was one of the reasons I decided to post. It going round (and round and bloody round) in my head hasn't been doing me any favours as in half an hour's drive you can talk yourself through it a million times. Just getting it out here has helped lessen the power of the secret IYKWIM.

I have wondered about talking to DH. I think we probably do need to address it on some level. We are a really good, solid team, we do respect and love each other but he is quite a straight down the line, non-flirty guy and I know that I miss flirting and "chemistry". He has always been like this, though, and I knew that about him. I suppose I am wary of opening up a can of worms, in that it isn't in him to fundamentally change his personality, and nor should it be. I had sort of thought initially perhaps I could just enjoy the slightly flirty banter with this other guy and it not mean anything - I have had similar work relationships before where it really hasn't meant anything and there has been no attraction there, so a safer way of just being a bit fun I guess. But I can't do that safely here.

If I talked to DH, he would try and help. He would probably book a restaurant, or buy me flowers, or initiate sex a bit more. For a bit. I suppose a) I think it won't last cos it doesn't usually, and we'll slide back, and b) I am scared he will do all those things and it won't make any difference to me because I am in the grip of this stupid crush.

I have been sort of hoping the crush will die down a bit and THEN I will ask him to up the ante a bit, so that I'm in a better place to receive it. IYKWIM. I don't know if I'm expressing that well. Basically I don't want him to feel like the problem when I am really the problem, and for him to try and do stuff to fix it when a bit of my head is elsewhere.

Perhaps there's nothing to do but wait, like you all say. It has helped getting it out, so thank you for that.

I don't think telling him you've got the raging horn for a bloke at work is a good idea. You know him though. Unless maybe you don't and he's a deep thinker and doesn't like expressing himself. It could do more harm than good.

I agree Neil, it's a very bad idea...

I would enjoy the chemistry and the fantasy while it lasts and then go back to real life...