Help us settle this disagreement?

[Cantdothis89]

DP works rather long hours in an extremely manual job. He doesn't get much time for a break all day. Sometimes he works away.

I'm a SAHM. We have a 5 year old (at school), an almost 3 year old and a 17 month old.

I do quite a lot in the house and obviously in terms of childcare... Also I take them out a lot/do school runs etc as I drive and DP doesn't.

I'm quite prone to periods of low moods/anxiety although counselling has helped to "fix" the latter.

When DP gets home from work, as long as its a "normal" time ( say, between half 4 and 6) I want him to get stuck in with looking after the kids. So this includes bathing, bedtimes, cleaning up after dinner, sometimes making dimmer if I haven't

He rarely complains about this and tbh I think without question he should help. I cope fine when he's not here, but I've kind of got an issue with running round doing everything while a man watches/watches tv/plays in his phone. I won't do it. I've trained the kids well so when they go to bed at 7 that's it, and me and DP do what we like.

But last night he was very tired after helping me clean up sick and look after the baby until past midnight and he got really huffy and said "Im knackered after work. I always am. Yet when I come in you expect me to just so stuff straightaway. You can't do things on your own. I always have to go with you and help."

It struck a nerve because, well, it's true. When he stormed off I ended up in tears. But who is right? What should he be doing?

I'm not reading the replies because I don't want to get influenced by what others will say. This is purely my point of view.

If, as you say, he has long hours in a physically exhausting job then I would cut him some slack when he gets in. At the very least I would be happy for my husband to have a cup of tea (or whatever) have a bit of a sit down and spend some time catching up with the kids and having a bit of a cuddle with them.

It is fine to expect him to help out a bit in the evening, maybe bath time and washing up, but I wouldn't expect him to do everything by any means. Everyone needs down time.

Perhaps some context might help. When our children were young my husband was frequently gone before we got up and got home at 8 pm or sometimes later. Having someone help me in the evening wasn't an option and I had, at least, some relaxation time during the day, even with 2 small children.

Now to read the other posters opinions.

Hope I'm not too wide of the mark.

If there were none of the past issues, none of the resentment surrounding those, do you think this would still be a problem?

To be really honest, I think that working long hours in a manual job does not mean you do not have responsibilities at home. Of course everyone has to do their part.

But you sound as though you refuse to allow him to come home and sit down, even if its 15 minutes to have a cup of tea. From what you posted before it sounds as though as soon as he does sit down, you get annoyed and call him into wherever you are and find him a job to do, just for the sake of it IYSWIM.

You said you have spent 2 hours relaxing but you do not understand why he is tired?

I doubt many people, male or female expect to walk through the door and jump straight into whatever job has been given to them-cooking dinner, tidying up, whatever it is, I know I need 20 minutes and a coffee after work before I do anything else

It sounds as though whatever issues you had in the past are causing resentment and it is coming out through this.

I agree with others that any woman coming back home from work would be expected to be full in Roth housework and children wo a break at all.
And that looking after 2 dcs during the day us hardly an easy task bits tiring too.
I roils also add that physical job doesn't alwYs mean a harder job. Ask anyone who is in an highly stressful office job how they feel at the end if the day!

So yes I am sure he is more tired after looking after getting up in the muddle if the night. So would you if you had but I am sure he would have expected you to carry on with the housework and looking after the dcs!

For me I would look at:

• Is he really exhausted at the moment, what ever the reason is? How are your own energy levels atm?
• Has he ever looked after the dcs for a weekend on his own? Does he really realize how much effort is involved?
• how responsible does he feel re parenting etcetera? Does he feel he is here to help out? Or that he us here to go and take full responsibility for it? In the latter case, I would expect he would do a lot on his own accord.

It does look like you need to sort out those issues first. Would he agree to counselling, or could you have it on your own?

Regarding him not wanting to take the children out, is that with or without you? Is it as a family outing, or would you stay at home?

I could have wrote your post OP.

I seethe with resentment when he gets to sit there all realaxed, fb'ing family etc. I do ask for help if he is not forthcomming if I am particularly busy and he is not too late/exhuasted. For example:

I will ask him to do DD bath if I need to have a lot of input on DS homework.
If one of them is ill
If we have a parents evening
If I am not well or just had a very bad day - toddler stress!

These things dont happen very often. If he hasnt seen them for a couple of days I ask him to do bath as a way of seeing them and an opportunity to have speak/play.

I sooth my seething...knowing that tomorrow, while he may be out dining on a clients expenses as a naice venue but still working I will be enjoying every minute of peace in Costa or wherever when DD is asleep. I also get to grab picnics and goto the park for paddling and ice creams (I do miss him and always wish he was there).

Im goig through my own 'stuff' at the moment so I am trying to be more mindful, living for the moment and when it is rubbish, live for the better ones.

I shoulds say I have responsibility for everything but his shirts.

You are both burnt out. Something has got to give. You resent him when he has "me" down time. Yet he also see, or he "perceives" that you do nothing, cos he has to come home to help you, and that is why his comment was "you cannot cope", but really, you can cope up to a large extent and it is becoming too much.

Nobody is right or is wrong. Both of you need to make and streamline both of your lives so that you can get some down time, and some reflection time, but the other person cannot, absolutely cannot resent the other person for doing this. If you do not have "me" time, then you will come to resent everything in your life regardless of who say what. Your relationship will break. "Me" time is for recharging, and it is to allow you to be inspired to find better solutions and options to do things in your life, so as a supportive partner, you should never resent your partner for this aspect of life at all.

He's wrong. It's tough on him and I'm sure it's hellish for him sonetimes, but he's still wrong.

Part of your family- FAMILY - evenings involve sorting out dinners, bathtimes, bedtimes for your children. That's what being a parent is about. It has nothing to do with you being a SAHM - you could easily have a full time job, take turns picking up the children from nursery... And they would still need feeding, bathing, story time. Would that be your job then, too?

I can see why he might pull a face at doing dishes etc. when he's just come in from work- stuff like that can wait, and if you've a generally good partnership where you're both nice to each other and make sure each get your down time, then it's sortable. But the witching hours aren't movable, alas. It's hellish here too from 5.30-7.30, just when you least need it after a long day. But- that's having children!

Whenever I feel like I hate him, I actually hate myself for being with someone that doesn't tick all the boxes. I was stupid to ever embark on a relationship with a 19 year old who loved to party (I was 21 and already a mother).

As much as we can sympathize and also empathize too on the rollercoaster ride of life, this resentment emotion is not something that others can help you get rid of yourself totally. You need to find yourself and your own centre again and not resent him. But to both take stock of what you want out of life, and how to achieve it.

When we are young we do make mistakes. Even I have done them too, and still have to live with them. But making less and less mistakes as we move forward in life is the way to go. To address and to redress those mistakes where we can is also another way too. Getting clarity on issues and things is also another way too. Listening to your own gut instincts will allow you to make better choices. If you do not let go of the resentment, or to acknowledge what caused the resentment, life will be and shall be tougher for you.

Here's the perspective of someone who's dc are now grown up. Stop doing the 'I'm tireder than you' game. Both of you. You are both knackered. Try to become a team getting through the day together rather than opposing sides. It does get easier but with three under fives you both have your hands full and more. The tipping point this time was the vomiting baby, but these things will happen.

So, deep breath and talk. Try to remember why you like each other rather than what each other has done wrong. Give him the odd kiss and say thanks for helping over bath time or whatever. It's way more likely to make him want to do it next time. And if he's truly knackered, well let him off. Hopefully he'll do the same for you at some point.

United you stand, divided you fall. Or at least struggle a lot.

My dh works long hours in a non-manual, but high-responsibility and emotionally draining job where he rarely gets time for a break. I have two dc (older than yours, so at school/kindergarten) and work 25h a week from home.

I know how exhausting little ones are, but I am kind of with Raskova in that being able to be at home all day, one's own boss, is a luxury. In my somewhat comparable situation, I do see the bulk of the home and childcare responsibilities as mine. Dh more than pulls his weight, but I would do more if he let me. Conversely, my job has intermittent high-stress phases and occasional travel and I fully expect him to pick up the slack there.

He needs equivalent downtime, when he comes in, to the breathers you have managed to get during the day (when baby is asleep or whatever), then it's all hands on deck until everything is done. If you are seething with resentment whenever he has a break, something more is up and you need to sort it. There are occasions when dh is sitting down while I am rushing around, and sometimes it's vice versa. Neither of us mind because both of us pull our weight.

I think the rule is 'equal free time' - so if you've had two hours to yourself while he's been working today, he gets two hours to himself while you're working this evening (ok, take off one hour for a lunch break)...

I think it's really unfair to start on at him as soon as he gets in, let him sit down for a while.

Why did you call him into the kitchen? Let the poor bloke relax, take it in turns rather than insist you both do everything together.

You can schedule in, together, sitting down time with tea/coffee when he comes in from work, so it's not "arrive-home-from-work-suddenly-start-housework" for him, except in emergencies, where something does need doing ASAP when he comes in.

You both need to do evening family stuff, but you don't have to duplicate work or work on everything together. Someone can cook dinner, someone else can empty the washing machine.

I find it infuriating when my mum wants company in the kitchen, to do a job/get help with a job, she's perfectly capable of doing by herself [and would be doing by herself nearly every other day of the year - we don't live together and haven't for years]. It's not functional help, it's 'help' because she thinks its unfair other people aren't doing anything useful when she is. If this is the sort of thing you're doing, stop doing it.

My dh works long hours, although not a manual job. I work nearly ft but flexible hours.

When he gets home he gets stuck in with bedtime etc because he takes the view that if I'm home with the kids I'm working doing that, so we pitch in together until there's no more work, then we both relax together.

I've been a sahm to three under three and I've worked in a semi physical job full time and the paid job was MUCH more exhausting.

Thanks everyone.

I think I was having a particularly crap time when I wrote that because last night was much better. He had a loooong shower when he got home and I made tea... I think he saw that as his break and was happy to have it. Everything was fine, and we did everything together (if anything I did more but I had a nice time with the kids so it was worth it).

To be fair though, pretty much every morning he sleeps through his alarm, gets up two minutes before he has to leave for work and rushes out the door. I do everything. So he does get a good rest in the morning!!

Glad you had a good night!

What time do you and he wake up?

I get up at 6:50. He gets up generally 5 minutes before he has to go to work - sometimes half 7, sometimes half 8.

OP you are doing a touch manual job too. How many breaks do you get?

Think about how lovely it would be to hand the DC and all jobs over to him for an hour or so when he gets in the door - so you can have a break after your long day. That doesn't happen does it?

I understand it would be nice for him to have that half an hour when he gets in - but it seems he would then stretch that out to disengage entirely until after the DC are in bed?

You get the DC to bed etc by 7 which is fab and then you can BOTH have a break. There is no way I'd be happy running around doing all these chores and taking care of everyone while he sat there relaxing.
Having young DC's can be relentless and demanding.

And what about the weekends? Do you each get a lie in or just him?

If the kids are in bed at 7, surely that is both your times to relax? You can't be busy all the time surely?