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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

World is falling apart

25 replies

OohMrDarcy · 30/04/2014 17:41

DH just went to work, but left his phone

I checked it as he's recently added a password pattern, but I've seen him enter it..... saw messages from a contact 'Facebook updates' ....filthy.... with replies. Unfortunately he realised and came back before I spent more than a min or two so couldn't get a full understanding.

I told him (quietly as kids around) to go, and he wasn't welcome home tonight. He asked why, but I said that he didn't need me to show him. He refused to let me keep the phone, not that it matters - no idea how I will ever be able to trust him again

sorry, shaking and not thinking straight

OP posts:

Original poster

OohMrDarcy · 30/04/2014 17:43

and now I have to be 'normal' until bedtime is done

OP posts:

ForeskinHyena · 30/04/2014 17:49

How awful. Can you get to his fb on the computer before he manages to delete anything incriminating?

Not that you need proof, you have already seen it with your own eyes, but you can bet that he will swear you've got it all wrong.

So sorry for you, it must be awful. Sadly all too common though, so there will be lots of sympathy from others who have been here coming your way right now.

Helpeachother4ever · 30/04/2014 17:50

I think you did the right thing telling him not to come home tonight. Maybe get yourself together and wait for a time if possible when the kids aren't home. Organize a babysitter or something. Then have it out with him. He may bring up that you shouldn't have looked but explain what you have to us about the pattern and strongly point out that's not the issue.

The important thing is he chose to do this and whatever his reasons it is not your fault. He will have reasons but they are no reflection on you as he should have come and talked it out with you why he felt he needed to do this.
I wish you all the best and many of us have been there. It will feel like the end of the world right now but it will pass.

UncrushedParsley · 30/04/2014 17:50

Oh how awful for you... don't know what to suggest. Just a hand to hold. Is there a friend who would come over? Someone who would be on your side, whatever you decide for the future?

Original poster

OohMrDarcy · 30/04/2014 17:59

I have asked a friend to come over when the kids are in bed.... don't know what to say to her

everyone always thinks we are a great couple, but the truth is we have been struggling for ages.... no sex life, he doesn't communicate, I called him on an inappropriate friendship with a woman at his work last year, I have a feeling its her

I just don't know where to go from here, I've been fighting for our relationship for too long, I don't know if I could do it again even if I wanted to

laptop wise, he has his own and recently changed the password on that too

OP posts:

Original poster

OohMrDarcy · 30/04/2014 17:59

I have asked a friend to come over when the kids are in bed.... don't know what to say to her

I just don't know where to go from here, I've been fighting for our relationship for too long, I don't know if I could do it again even if I wanted to

laptop wise, he has his own and recently changed the password on that too

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Toastandstrawberryjam · 30/04/2014 18:03

Sounds like OW (?) is saved as "Facebook contacts" on his phone? That way if you looked at the phone and that flashed up it wouldn't look as suspicious as a woman's name.

Original poster

OohMrDarcy · 30/04/2014 18:07

That's exactly what I am assuming tbh

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Toastandstrawberryjam · 30/04/2014 18:11

Sorry, I didn't mean to just give you that practical advice, but I wasn't sure if you realised. I think it's quite a common thing to do.

If he wouldn't leave the phone then you don't have evidence as such but I'm guessing you are fairly certain. Just try and get through bedtime until you can speak with your friend.

Minion100 · 30/04/2014 18:12

I'm so, so sorry. There's nothing like that moment when your world falls apart.

Can i ask what led you to check his Facebook? I know I did that once with a partner but it was because other things had seriously raised my suspicions.

Toastandstrawberryjam · 30/04/2014 18:13

Minion - it isn't facebook. It's just that he has named her that on his contacts. Very easy to do on an iPhone.

Toastandstrawberryjam · 30/04/2014 18:13

I'm presuming that, sorry.

Original poster

OohMrDarcy · 30/04/2014 18:14

sorry, it was text messages on his phone under that name

sick suspicion I guess

I just don't know what I will do too much to think about

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Toastandstrawberryjam · 30/04/2014 18:17

How did he react? Like he wanted to explain? Or did he just go?

How are you feeling now?

Original poster

OohMrDarcy · 30/04/2014 18:20

he had a panicked look, said he could explain. ... I responded something like as if I am ever going to believe anything you say again, and also said he wasn't welcome home tonight. ... would kill to know where he sleeps, and also what he does in the morning because it's a day when I am normally at work first thing and he sorts the kids

wtf am I going to do about that?!

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Toastandstrawberryjam · 30/04/2014 18:26

Does he have parents or friends nearby he will stay with?

As for tomorrow and your work, do you have a mum who could help you? Sister? Close friend? Don't worry about asking somebody I would always help a friend in need like that. Failing that call in sick if you have to. Just stay calm and look after yourself for now.

Original poster

OohMrDarcy · 30/04/2014 18:34

his mum is near, so are work friends

I could ask a friend if they could drop DD at school, I can probably get DS to nursery, though he has the car with seats in (we only have one car, its mine) I've had a hire car for work the last few days

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Toastandstrawberryjam · 30/04/2014 18:37

I'm guessing he's probably gone home to mum then. Do you have a good relationship with her?

Do you have a friend with a spare car seat they could lend you?

CaptainAmericaMmmYesPlease · 30/04/2014 18:40

Will he stay away, OP? I know when I told my stbxh to stay away after finding incriminating texts, he came home anyway, it was our home and although I didn't want him anywhere near me, he came back all the same.

Minion100 · 30/04/2014 18:41

Well, the fact that he named her "Facebook Updates" pretty much means he is guilty here.

I am so, so, so sorry for you. There's not much worse than what you are going through. I am sure the wise MNers can offer you advice on what to do. I can only offer you a virtual hug.

struggling100 · 30/04/2014 18:50

It's good you have a friend coming over. That moment of realisation is hideous in its clarity, yet utterly confusing emotionally at the same time. You will want to know more in future, and it might be a good idea to find out all you can right now if you are able to do a bit of detective work. For me, it helped it to feel more 'real', with the result that by recalling a few of the choice details, I could stick to my guns when I felt weak and wavering about the split (though it won't change anything - betrayal is betrayal whether you know a little or a lot).

Vivacia · 30/04/2014 19:24

Are any of these ideas helpful?

he is no longer your friend. Don't expect him behave as such.
he is currently ahead of you. You need to catch up quickly. Get as much information as possible in terms of rights and finances.
you don't need proof, nobody is on trial.
you get yourself time and space. You don't need to rush in to any long lasting decisions.

pregnantpause · 30/04/2014 19:52

Could you borrow a car seat for tomorrow? Or even take emergency leave considering the circumstance? He will deny, deny , deny. When you speak to him, expect him to blame, derail, cry and deny. ' i can explain everything' has to be one of the most incriminating sentences ever- nobody , ever, has ever said that sentence innocently- anyone with any sense would never say it! He's a fool, and a cheating bastard.

Original poster

OohMrDarcy · 30/04/2014 22:33

sorry ladies, RL friend came.

we talked lots and came up with a plan - she went and got the car keys / seats from him - I can pick up the car tomorrow

Thanks for listening - I am still reading but probably won't post for a day or two

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aftereight · 01/05/2014 13:10

So sorry to hear this has happened to you.
Glad you have RL support. Have you arranged a time to talk to your H? Be prepared for him to minimise what he's done.
Best advice I had was to concentrate on what was best for me and not to rush into any decisions. And that decisions, once made, are reversible at any time.
Did you read the Shirley Glass book last year when you called him out on his inappropriate friendship? If not, would really recommend it.

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