I'm really frustrated with the level of intimacy in my marriage

[Frustratedwoife]

I NC for this because DH knows my actual username.

Basically my sex life is dwindling. I love and respect DH to the point of madness but I feel like the level of intimacy in my marriage would almost be non existent if it was left to him.

We barely have sex and even if we do, I'm always the one initiating it. I sometimes feel like I've forced him to have sex with me and it's not a nice feeling. It's odd because he used to enjoy it as much as I do but all of a sudden things have changed. I know he works long hours and is tired when he gets home, but he was off work last week and we still didn't have sex yet we had plenty of time and space. I do all the housework and looking after the children so he's basically off work as soon as he walks through the door. I go to bed exhausted but I still make an effort for us

I've already spoken to him about it and he responds by kissing me and saying "I still find you very attractive.". I'm not even self conscious about my body so that's an odd response. I don't want to assume that he's getting it elsewhere but the thought has crossed my mind.

We've only been married for less than a year and the thought of our marriage becoming a sexless one saddens me.

I don't know what I'm looking for posting but maybe reassurance?

We have two small kids under 4 but like I've said, I'm the one who does all the childcare so he's not tired from that, I am. We are financially okay too, all the bills are paid on time and we have money left over at the end of the month. so surely it can't be that either.

I don't know.

Some men have a low sex drive. My ex did. He also hated me initiating sex - something I learned very quickly.

No useful advice I'm afraid, other than try to talk to him about it.

I did think about that and he's either been pretending all this time or his sex drive has dipped (drastically).

I do speak to him about it because he knows how important it is to me but he'll always tell me that he still fancies me and kiss me. Not even "I'm tired" or "I'm stressed at the moment"

Been there myself with my DH some years ago. There was a very long thread on this subject recently - I'll try and dig it out.

First thing I would suggest is to rule out any physical issues. Here is a link to the NHS website covering this issue:-

www.nhs.uk/conditions/loss-of-libido/Pages/Introduction.aspx

It could be that he has very low testosterone levels and, if so, this can be overcome by HRT - it's not just women that have HRT.

You say that you have already spoken about this, but can I ask just how blunt you were about it? Quite often a lot of men have trouble receiving a message unless it is really spelt out very clearly indeed.

Alternatively, it may well be that that he has got the message but is simply avoiding dealing with the issue as it's too difficult for him to go through the process of dealing with this issue.

It's quite possible that your DH isn't aware himself of why his libido is diminishing and why he isn't initiating sex any more. Or he may well be aware of the reasons but finds bringing them up with you too difficult to deal with and so is avoiding the issue.

Have you made it really clear that him ''still fancying'' you isn't enough to meet your needs for intimacy within the relationship?

Perhaps you really do just need to be blunt and say that not having sex regularly makes me feel and in order to meet my needs for intimacy I really do want to have sex with you X times week/month and that I want you to initiate sex on Y times per week/month

At the very least, this will make it very clear of what your needs are. This may well prompt him to start talking about this issue between you.

I think that this might actually be the time to say ''Darling, we need to talk'' and actually have that Big Conversation. The one where you both talk about what you want and need from your relationship and how not getting them is affecting each of you.

However, do be aware that your DH may well have unmet needs within your relationship as well that are also affecting him but he has not been able to communicate that to you.

There are a number of very good books on communicating within a relationship and it may well be worthwhile getting one or two to help

Do you think he might be terrified that you might get pregnant again as sub consciously he really does not want any more children. Perhaps he is worried about his performance so you could take some of the pressure off by just having a kiss and then rolling over and going to sleep and on another occasion you can take it a bit further. Do you get a chance to get out by yourselves sometimes so you can re connect as a couple without the endless demands of young children around.

Good sex is a spontaneous expression of affection. Once you start having conversations about quantity or quality, you lose some of that spontaneity. Everything from that point risks looking like pressure to perform and then you're in a vicious circle. Are you affectionate as a couple? Is their spontaneous touching? Would you hold hands in the street or snuggle on the sofa, for example? Do you flirt with each other?

I think it's worth another conversation where you say you miss the intimacy (not sex...) and you're worried about a) him and b) the relationship. Ask for some honesty about the way he is feeling. If he's chronically fatigued, depressed or similar - the GP may be the way forward