What can I expect

[Middledaughter]

Hi I've posted a handful of times recently about our marriage which is completely disintegrating. We've got a 2 and a 3 year old and have been married for 4 years. He is very defensive and has unresolved problems as a result of a very nasty divorce his parents went through and he was in the middle of when he was 18. He also drinks too much and has been increasingly unpleasant in the last 6 - 8 months. He's had problems with money which I've posted about before.

I've been for counselling which he refused to do with me.

I've been trying to sort this out for ages and after a 5 day trip away without him decided to stop counselling which I felt was just telling me what I wanted to hear and give it a final proper try. We've had friends to stay and things seem fine when people come to stay but when we're on our own we just can't get on.

He's started to say do nothing around the house, that I barely give a sh** about him and the family. If I question him in anyway he loses it so my ideas of keeping a lid on it and being positive don't work anyway. I realised last night that staying together isn't helping either of us. He needs to discuss his feelings about his parents and his drinking before we can do anythign else. I felt like separating was runnign away but as he refuses to discuss how we solve things or see a counsellor we're going to continue to have these rows which are destroying our relationship and making me feel like an old hag. Let alone affecting our children (although we don't row in front of them) who will be starting to see the tension as normal.

I have an appt booked with a solicitor but I am scared of how hard he is going to fight me on this and sharing responsibility for the children espec if he is drinkign more than he shoudl every night.

Can anyone tell me what I can expect?

I would expect him to prove to a judge that he is capable of looking after your dc safely, so I would be pushing a hair strand test to be done to show his level of drinking, a liver function test done and for supervised access until he has shown in a court that he is clean and dry, ie he has rehab and that the drug/alcohol team sign him off as dry. I would the expect for him to slowly over time build up unsupervised access. I would also ask for regular yearly tests.

(((Hugs))) to you, be strong, get support and never trust a word that falls out of his mouth. I would keep any contact written, email or text. Never engage in any manipulations he may throw at you if you decide to separate.

Heartfelt good luck to you and your dc.

Thank you hag I didn't realise any of these were options. Did you experience anything similar and need to get someone to leave?

Right now I am scared that he will refuse to leave the house at all and then we'll have to go through court orders etc. has anyone had any experience of getting someone out of the house who won't leave. I really do need to stay as have a nearly 4 year old starting at school in Sept and then kids best friends are our neighbours.

I sort of hope that if he gets help for boozing and his problems with his parents' divorce we could sort this out but it isn't possible to continue as we are.

You may find it helpful to talk to someone at woman's aid, it is not in the child's best interest to be around someone who is drinking so much, it could be seen as a child protection problem. May be worth logging everything with your gp, hv, solicitor and you can also call none emergancy police if you are at all worried (emergancy if he kicks off). I would advise you to make sure that there is a paper trail that can be used in court if needed. You can also phone social services who will do all they can to help safe guard a child and it's mother.

This way you have covered all bases.

Just be ready for backlash from him, being forwarned and ready will help you be empowered. If you are scared by anything he does keep it filed with relevant people, ie police etc, you can keep updating files etc, if cafcass get involved at any point they will look up the files with the different agencies, they are there to determine the child's best interests and have quite a lot of clout in court with regards to what a judge will rule.

Keep yourself and dc safe, keep strong and keep talking to people. Are you still in councelling? It would be prudent to continue with your personal therapy as this allows you to digest and explore your feelings on this issue safely and within a contained therapeutic space.