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Relationships

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Original poster

Prior to co-habiting...

24 replies

Mum4Fergus · 30/04/2014 14:44

What type of things did you discuss/agree (or wish you had discussed/agreed!) upfront prior to moving in together? For example finances, expectations, etc ...

OP posts:

eurochick · 30/04/2014 14:47

Cleaning (needed to be 50/50)
Finances (needed to be on a basis both of us considered fair)

WaitingForMe · 30/04/2014 14:52

Finances
Cleaning/chores/cooking
Childcare (he had kids)

We also discussed having a baby. I knew I wanted one so wasn't willing to move in unless it was on the cards. I then refused to look at houses to buy until we had a date for trying to conceive. Life is too short to waste on someone who isn't quite sure IMO.

listofnames · 30/04/2014 14:58

Not much really, mostly practical things but nothing would have been a deal breaker. We discussed finances, but cleaning/chores didn't come up at all. Spent a lot of time talking about paint/sofa colours!

Annianni · 30/04/2014 15:01

Finances and did either of us want any more dc's.
I had already taken over the cooking, which he was happy about.

Spottybra · 30/04/2014 15:03

Everything except cleaning and his sports schedule. I understand now why he kept that quiet! I never see him.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/04/2014 15:06

Finances, finances and ... err... finances. Can you tell I used to be married to a financially illiterate spendthrift?

millymollymoomoo · 30/04/2014 15:46

Long term aims - such as did we want children and when, and what would happen when we did.

Finances - and got a declaration of trust in place straight away.

We since got married so the finances piece kind of became less relevant in terms of who owns what, but we still needed to know and agree how we would run our finances - ie joint account, separate accounts, is it one big pot, what are the spending habits of each partner etc....

I think it very important that you are on the same page with these things.

kentishgirl · 30/04/2014 15:52

After making a huge mistake last time and not really discussing anything, and getting in a big fat mess from it, this time round I made sure we discussed
Finances Finances Finances Finances (you can tell how important I think it is now!)
Cleaning Chores Responsibilities Cooking etc (also vital as I had a nasty shock last time to find out he was Neaderthal man who insisted these were 100% the woman's job)
Whether you want kids or not (no, we both laughed as we have previous kids and are old and crumbly although feasibly might still be able to if we really wanted to). This is something I've always discussed and amazed to hear about couples that don't, as it's so key to everything and not something you can compromise on.
Whether this is as a stage towards marriage or not. Again always surprised to see couples complaining several years down the line that one assumed absolutely not, and one assumed absolutely yes, but they'd never talked about it.

kentishgirl · 30/04/2014 15:54

Oh - existing kids. What sort of step role is expected/wanted? Can kids come to stay? Can adult children in financial crisis come to live with you if need be?

morley19 · 30/04/2014 16:01

Other than agreeing on important things like children etc then I would echo finances, finances, finances.

I have learnt from bitter experience that, no matter how much you think you know someone/trust them, you can get absolutely shafted financially. Just protect yourself

KikiShack · 30/04/2014 16:30

I think DP and I discussed vague expectations for how often we'd each be out in the evening and therefore home late etc, and how often we'd like to go out together. Maybe this sort of conversation is more an organic one and less planned but I think it can be useful- a friend has just moved in with her BF and is shocked by how often he wants to slob chill in front of the tv, she was expecting they'd keep going out for dinner/exhibitions etc as much as they did before living together whereas he was clearly counting down the days before he could stop making an effort and move into his hoodie permanently.

Original poster

Mum4Fergus · 30/04/2014 16:38

All really useful responses ... thank you all. Never heard of Declaration of Trust...is that quite common? (In UK) ...

OP posts:

louby44 · 30/04/2014 17:23

I had a Declaration of Trust set up by my solicitor when my exP and I bought our house.

It now means that once our house is sold -if miracles happen- my large lump of equity cannot be touched my him. So it would work:

mortgage/estate agents/solicitor is paid
louby is paid
any remaining equity is split -but there isn't any so he's stuck renting-

deckthehalls1188 · 30/04/2014 18:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

firesidechat · 30/04/2014 18:19

Prior to marriage/cohabiting (they happened at the same time) we discussed:
How many children we wanted
When we would have them
What, if any, debt we had (my tiny overdraft cancelled out his tiny positive balance, so that was handy)
Attitudes to disciplining children

There are probably loads more, but it's a very long time ago now and I can't remember them all.

Having read lots of threads on mn, I would say that whether you want children, when and how many and finances are the most important.

firesidechat · 30/04/2014 18:22

I'm sure I typed this but it seems to have vanished:

We also discussed how to organise our finances.

jasminemai · 30/04/2014 18:24

How many children we were having mainly. Moved in together after a month, and then engaged a few weeks later.

Before marriage I 100% took over finances and he asks what cash hes allowed to take out. Other than that just what our plans for future were really. All worked out fine and not really had any big arguments so far

chaseface · 30/04/2014 19:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BigBoPeep · 30/04/2014 20:03

Bugger all. Just did it and adapted as we went.

fluffyraggies · 30/04/2014 20:48

We agreed we didn't want children with each other, and had no plans to marry.

5 years later we're celebrating our 2nd wedding anniversary in a very low key way as we have a new baby.

millymollymoomoo · 30/04/2014 23:34

Deed or declaration of trust is common in UK and easy to set up-cost a few hundred pounds witha solicitor. It just outlined what percentage of house we each owned and what would happen in the event of a split with assets,
Think of it like an insurance policy-you file it hoping to never need it but are very glad its there if you do.

WestEast · 01/05/2014 00:02

We're moving in shortly, into a rented place, we've talked through finances (joint account for bills, 50/50 split), housework (specific jobs each), child are (he has a DD and will be doing the 'parenting' so I can be the cool fun grown up) and us having our own DC's in the future.

heyho1985 · 01/05/2014 10:43

fluffyraggies

PoundingTheStreets · 01/05/2014 11:58

Are there children involved? Because that changes everything.

IMO all couples should discuss and agree on a domestic division of labour and finances before moving in together. It's also a good idea to state what significance is attached to moving in together. For example, are you basically just housemates who have sex? Or are you trialling out with a view to getting married and having a family?

I'd also advise people not to do it until they've had their first difference of opinion on something that both of them feel very strongly about. It doesn't matter if you are the height of calm discussion or a passionate latin type when it comes to arguing as long as you remain respectful and come to a mutually acceptable resolution, but you need to know how the other person acts when in conflict with you. It's never good to find out after you've moved in that your new cohabitee is someone who will call you names, sulk for days or even become abusive, because by that stage you are so invested in the relationship you won't necessarily behave in the most appropriate manner.

If one or both of you has children, IMO you simply cannot move in with each other without taking the view that you are going to become one family/economic unit with pooled resources. As adults you can keep things separate. you may decide you don't need your partner to play the full step-parent role because your child isn't his responsibility, etc. Children just won't see it like that. A child will almost certainly internalise the lack of responsibility as lack of caring. That's a lot for a new partner to take on, and a partner who willingly embraces that is to be cherished. However, IMO nothing less is acceptable and if the new partner doesn't want that responsibility, or the parent doesn't want to let them assume it, it is far better to remain living separately.

Flip