How to live with guilt and shame over past behaviour?

[simone79]

I am 34 and have been with my partner for 14 years. Early in our relationship after the inital falling in love, honeymoon period we went through a really rough time. Much of it was my fault as I have terrible self esteem issues and sought validation from being found attractive by men. My life pretty much fell apart in my early to mid twenties due to my own health issues, family illness, dropping out of uni, giving up on a longed for career (self esteem issues again) and massive weight gain. I was very depressed and in therapy and on antidepressents at the time but did not talk to my partner about it. At the time I felt he was cold and uncaring but looking back now I can see I shut him out and its a wonder he didn't leave me then.

Unfortunately at this time I developed feelings on a friend of his, this guy was also going though a kind of break down and I kind of felt only he could understand me (stupid) and I wanted to save him, I wanted him to validate me. Anyway we were rarely alone together but he must have picked up on my feelings because whe we did end up alone after bumping into each other in town at night he kissed me and I let it happen, we went for a drink and he said he wanted to have an affair with me and I agreed (cringe) our affair ended up lasting that one night only with us having sex in the street :( after this he basically ignored me while I continued to believe we were meant to be together for about a year!

Anyway that was 9 years ago now and my partner is still friends with this man, they play squash together and ocassionally we see him and his wife socially. We both pretty much avoid each other.

I am mortified by what I have done, I did eventually buck up and realise what a great guy I have and our relationship is great but I live in fear of what I did all those years ago coming out. I don't know if my partners friend ever told anyone else, maybe once not long after it happened another friend made a comment to me which maybe implied he knew but I was very paranoid at that time.

If I could take anything back in my life it would be that. My partner would be so hurt and upset if he found out as well as humiliated.

I don't know what to do about it, it casts a shadow over my current happiness but perhaps I deserve that. Sometimes I think I should leave my partner because he deserves better than someone like me.

Has anyone else been in this position and what was the outcome, how did you cope?

The usual advice is not to unburden yourself to your partner, as it would hurt them so much.

But given the timescales here, maybe you could tell your partner what happened, and why? Your DP will be devastated I assume, but maybe willing to work through it if your relationship is worth saving?

That might be crap advice, but if you're unhappy now anyway it might be worth considering.

Who knows, maybe he's got his own secrets and burdens too.

The hardest person to forgive is yourself. I don't think there is anything to be gained from telling him now but you owe it to him to not let it overshadow your relationshhip as it is now because you won't be your best self whilst you do that. Be kind to yourself, we all make mistakes (I know I have) and you are genuinely very sorry, I can tell. No sense living in fear either, its a pointless thing. If it were going to come out it probably would have by now. Tell yourself how you would handle it if it does come out, have a plan of action but I personally don't think telling him first will do any good.

Do try to forgive yourself xx

Yes that's better advice than mine.

Thank you for the advice, I don't think I could tell him now.

I am not sure what I would say if it ever came out, my first impulse would be to deny it but In reality I just don't know how it would go.

I try to put it out of my mind and remember that it happened at a real low point in my life but it just pops up in my mind. I still struggle with self esteem and spend way too much time ruminating about the past and all my failings.

You could deny it, but really the chances of it coming out now are tiny. Your DPs friend could kiss goodbye to his friendship with your DP and if he's not done it by now it means he feels bad (quite rightly) too and is really not likely .

I understand the low self-esteem/going off with inappropriate men thing, I've made those errors myself in the past and I go all hot and feel utter disgust with myself when I remember. I try to distract myself when that happens. The best thing you can do now is work on your self-esteem and your relationship and make both the best you can. That's how you can make up truly for past mistakes by being the best you that you can be. Sorry that sounds so corny but its what I believe.

Maybe your DP deserves to be allowed to decide for himself if in light of this 'news' whether he wants to forgive and move on, or end the relationship. Maybe he would like to know that his best buddy is a duplicitous back stabbing shit. I know I bloody would.

What CuChullain said.

Not the same situation, but I certainly did loads of things as a teenager that I really regret now, all relating to my low self-esteem. However, I never really give them a second thought anymore, because I feel like such a different person that they don't really relate to me, as it were. Assuming you've been faithful to your DH for the last 9 years it sounds as if the same if true for you. Maybe a few counselling sessions to help you contextualise it and put it behind you? Shame is such an unhealthy emotion, it really eats away at you

Your feelings of shame and guilt are right, because this was a really stupid thing to do. However, that does not make you a horrible person. Guilt and shame at our mistakes are also an important part of growing up and are vital to ensuring that we don't slip again. Anyone who hasn't got them in some degree is either a saint or not really a fully moral person.

You made a mistake when VERY young (and you met DH very young too), and you've learnt from it and moved on. I cannot for the life of me see what you would gain by confessing this to your partner, except making him feel absolutely dreadful. I don't think it would make you feel cleansed, and I think you would regret it.

I think you need to accept that morality and integrity are not something that we 'are' inherently from birth, but something that we have to strive for every single day. So accept these difficult emotions as part of your life, and moving forward with an intention of doing better - as you have done, so bravely, for the last ten years. This is what 'forgiving yourself' means - not never feeling remorse, but being 100% committed to a future of goodness. You ARE a good person, and instead of crippling yourself with guilt for something that happened a decade ago, focus on making a good and happy life tomorrow... and the next day.

After this many years I don't see the point in a Big Confession. The friend has obviously decided to keep his mouth shut because he also values his friendship with your DP.

It's not actually a very big deal - one drunken unthrilling bunkup when you were in a bad state of mind, nearly a decade ago, is a long way from a sustained affair. You didn't pass on a social disease to your DP, you didn't get up the duff and stick him with Another Man's Child. Block it off in your mind and let it go.

What solidgoldbrass said.

Forgive yourself & move on.

You made a mistake, you have paid the price for it as it has tormented you for years. We can't go back and change the past but we can influence the future. Try to get over it now, concentrate on the here and now. Yes one day it may come out but you can deal with that if and when it arises. None of us know what is round the next corner so make the most of today while you can and let tomorrow take care of itself. So many people have secrets hidden in the closet so it's not always wise to blab about some else's secrets for fear of their own being disclosed so your secret will hopefully be safe forever.

Don't tell him. You were clearly in a bad place. You realise your mistake, your very sorry and you'll never do it again so just forget about it and move on. It's unlikely the other guy is going to say anything now and if he does just deny it. It would be very odd of him or you to bring something up that happened 9 years ago. Chin up and move on.

Yep, move on. I'd say the same to a bloke.

Learn to let it go.

You're not that person anymore and telling him now would be selfish and unnecessary.

You and friend were in a bad place but you've punished yourself enough.

Learn to enjoy the life you've made for yourself. Forgive yourself :)

Ok, so your low point is well defined. It was a long time ago. One time deal. Don't mention it again. Don't be so hard on yourself for a youthful mistake. Why would the other guy tell about it? First, guys don't talk and, second, he was there, too, doing it on the street on a impulse. It's nothing he wants to brag about either I bet. Big boo-boo now ancient history.

If he had mouthed off about it, you'd have known by now so don't worry about that one.
People do things out of character when they're in a bad place. It might be shoplifting, drugs, drink, whatever. Yours was a one off, not a continuous thing. Put it to the back of your mind and enjoy the here and now.