How do I deal with this embarrassing money situation?

[isabellavine]

Regular, but NC for this.

DH's grandfather died in January, after a long illness. GF and PIL live at the other end of the country. We have obviously spent an awful lot of time travelling down there in the last few months, with good reason - visits, saying goodbye (so sad), funeral, and then internment which involved a whole weekend away in a cottage, plus additional visits to support MIL etc. Next month, we are going on yet another family occasion, this time a double birthday celebration.

The trouble is, this is all bleeding us white financially. I have been very unwell since September and unable to work so we have lost an income. Though DH has a good job, money is tight. With two presents to buy (£100 each), plus accommodation (£300, no choice about this) plus petrol (£80) plus food (God knows, but they eat out a lot) the upcoming weekend is going to cost us all of our spare money for May. I am trying to pare down the grocery bill so that we can do it.

We simply can't go on like this. BIL and PIL are extremely wealthy and not very sensitive or understanding of anyone else's situation, and raising it would lead to all kinds of fuss and consternation. Yet I don't feel like we can go and ask other people to pay for meals out, drinks, etc and not pay our share. I feel to blame, since I'm the one who has caused the financial problem. I also feel guilty, because I don't really like PIL (though I keep this well hidden) and am secretly resenting the fact that we've been unable to do anything nice as a couple for 6 months due to the financial costs of all this. (I know this is selfish).

How would you handle this?

It isn't selfish, and I'd get my husband to deal with his family and explain to them that you won't be able to make the trip up for a while.

I agree. It isn't selfish at all. These things can cost a fortune. We recently went to a wedding of a colleague of DH's. What with the childcare, the travel, the accommodation, the food, the drinks at the wedding, the taxis, the present etc it cost us around £700. Its ridiculous and I don't think its something people really think about when they plan these events.

DH needs to explain to your family that you appreciate the invitation but unfortunately you can't make it and whilst you love to see them you can't come to visit for a while but they'd be very welcome to come to see you.

You can't go and that's the end of it. I fear that your DH explaining the reasons why will fall upon deaf ears, so it might be better to not offer an explanation at all.

Get your DH to explain you can't afford it.
Why do you need to spend £100 on a present each?

I think you need to tell them the facts. Whatever feelings they have about it, those are not your responsibility - you can't bend reality and you can't make the world run exactly how they want.

I sympathise. My gran took very ill over a year ago and the endless visiting has cost my mum a fortune. My gran has savings but she obviously isn't very sharp now and the money aspect doesn't really figure in her mind.

It's not her fault, bless her, but how are others meant to factor in huge extra costs, it's very tough.

You've had a really bad run (sorry, I don't mean to sound trite but I can't think of a better way to phrase it) and presumably your DH wanted to undertake all these visits, which were actually probably unavoidable really under the circumstances.

Are the double birthdays special ones? If so, again, understandable if your DH wants to celebrate these events with his family, especially given the terrible start to the year they've had. Is there any way to make them cheaper? Stay for one night instead of two, arrive the afternoon of the event and leave the next morning, and why on earth are you spending £100 on each present?

Thank you all for being so understanding! I am finding this difficult because I really don't want to see PIL yet again, but I know that in the sad circumstances DH has no choice but to be supportive (he is a really lovely person so wants to be there). Disentangling my (unjustifiable) reluctance from the practicalities is tough.

Just to clarify: we have already paid the accommodation for the double birthday before GF went into his terminal decline, so we were locked into that from late last year. PIL insist that everyone does everything together (a bit like the Borg) so it is in a shared cottage, which had to be booked early. I think I might try to save a bit on the birthday presents, and maybe spend £60-80 each instead of £100. I feel guilty, though, because they always spend £100+ on us and I would much rather they didn't and I didn't have sleepless nights about finances!

Also, to make it clear: DH absolutely HAD to do all the visits with his GF, and I could never have forgiven myself if he hadn't gone. The birthday is also two '0' birthdays. It is just bad financial luck that all this has arrived at once.

PIL will want to eat out at restaurants for lunch and dinner and go to the pub every night, so food/drinks bill will be around £80 a day (ouch) for the 3 days. I am wondering if I can say something to make this cheaper - for instance, I would be happy to cook a three-course meal for everyone at the cottage. But I don't want to seem like I'm being cheap. :(

Don't be embarrassed. Just say you can't afford to eat out for every meal and spend ludicrous amounts of cash on presents. Have no shame and don't feel intimidated by the in-laws to doing things you don't want to do.

We've been through massive debt (which we've now paid off thank goodness), but I learned very quickly to say honestly that we couldn't afford it, if family or friends wanted to do something which we didn't have the money for. Most people are understanding. And if they aren't, that's their lookout. Never feel pressured into spending money you either don't have or need for other things. If you continue like this they will carry on oblivious and the invitations will keep coming. Be straight and firm now and nip this in the bud - and don't be ashamed or apologetic! Good luck x

I think it could be worth trying to explain in advance that because of you not working things are tight financially so you and DH are very happy to cook eg one lunch and one dinner at home if people like, otherwise you'll both skip these meals and prioritise going on the others. Also maybe get DH to in advance say you're having to downsize present expenditure this year so you'd like them to spend less on you both to keep things fair.
I'm a big fan of laying things out in an honest and assertive way so people know the score but don't feel like you're trying to guilt them into paying for you, which I can clearly see isn't the case! However things can easily be taken the wrong way if you aren't just open and straight forward about it.
Of coure PIL might really want everyone at all the meals and might insist on paying for you. In this case, assuming you believe it is a genuine offer and not manipulation, I'd graciously accept and send a hand written card afterwards saying how much you appreciate PIL's generosity and understanding of your situation.
Family are allowed to treat each other! There's nothing wrong with accepting a gift occasionally, I'd be very upset if my DB was skint and wouldn't accept me getting him lunch at a family event. Pride can be a foolish thing. However this does all assume no strings will be attached and offers of helpetc are genuine.
Good luck.

isabella no advice I'm afraid but I call my DH's family The Borg as well!!
Nice people but they " move as one"

Thanks everyone - that's really helpful advice, esp from Kikishack.

Hoppinggreen - I'm glad I'm not the only one! I find it weird, because if my family spend a weekend together, we kind of all do our own thing around each other - there will be some time to ourselves, and some to be together, because let's face it, not everyone likes doing the same thing. I guess we are probably quite introverted really - I need at least 20 minutes to myself every day to remain sane, and my idea of fun is a lazy late breakfast with a book! PIL are the absolute opposite - everything has to be done together from getting up to going to bed, and it has to be done NOISILY with the maximum possible fuss! Their idea of a fun day away is loading the car up individual thing by individual thing (so about 50 trips, because they can't possibly leave without everything anyone could possibly need for an expedition to Timbuctoo) while talking incessantly, then desultory wandering around a stately home, followed by lunch out, followed by a dismal wander round at least 3 villages in a row at a glacial pace, followed by pub at which everyone has to sample everyone else's drinks (gross! gross!) and a restaurant meal. To make matters worse, we all have to stop for a group photo in each location, and FIL and MIL each have to take individual photos so this also takes about half an hour. I feel like I'm going mad after a day of this, and when I collapse with depressed exhaustion at the end of the day, MIL never fails to make a comment about how it's tiring 'having fun'.