Long and boring, but what do I do?

[justtesting]

Ok, I am a fairly regular poster, but my mum sometimes lurks and for what will be obvious reasons, I don't want her to know who I am.

For the past few years, my mum and (sort of) step dad have spent every weekend at my house. Initially they were helping me with decorating etc and with the kids, but as time has gone on, they don't seem as keen to help, unless I actually ask them to do something and mostly they just sit around.

My step dad is very good with my children and will help me out with things if I ask. My mum is also very good to me, but just recently I've noticed that she seems irritated by my kids and they just seem to be an inconvenience. She seems to be grumpy and short tempered with them and I feel that if that is anyone's joh, it's mine iykwim. My mum also buys my kids a lot of things, but I'm starting to feel that I have no say in anything. Practically every item of clothing hanging in their rooms, has been bought by my mum. It would be nice to occasionally choose something myself.

My mum and step dads relationship is purely platonic, they don't live together, they never have and they only see each other at the weekend. My mum finds my step dad irritating for various reasons and moans about him a lot and doesn't really speak to him much.

Right, now that I have given you the background. This is the problem. Last weekend I had a row with my mum, I think it has been a long time coming really with me starting to feel claustrophobic and resentful that I don't seem to have a life of my own. My mum ended up walking back to her house (about 3 miles). My step dad didn't go after her, he stayed here.

I haven't spoken to my mum since and tomorrow she is going to my brothers for the day. The thing is, she has said to my sil, that she no longer wants my step dad around, yet she doesn't seem to have any intention of telling him. He has rang me tonight and said that she won't answer her phone. I told him that I haven't spoken to her, so I had made plans to go out for the day. He then suggested that he came along as well.

I bluffed a bit and said I was meeting a friend but I just don't know what to do now. I had already sort of decided that I need to stand on my own 2 feet a bit more, and should be more than capable of coping with the kids on my own by now. I feel guilty though that I have fobbed him off and I feel guilty that I know what my mum is playing up, but she just isn't going to do anything about it.

I just keep thinking if I hadn't had a row with her last week, this wouldn't have blown up and I wouldn't be worrying about it now.

To top it all, my ds1 opened the front door tonight and ds2 escaped, I went absolutely mad and can't get the thoughts of "what if" out of my head.

I'm sure this is very long and boring, but if anyone can help me get things a bit clearer in my head, I'd be grateful. I'm on hot chocolate duty now, so will be back later. TIA.

Shit, more boring than I thought. Don't tell me I typed all that for nothing.

It sounds most odd....

What,they came every Sat and Sun and just sat around??

Maybe it's a good thing you've had it out with her?

Could you sit down & talk this through with your mum - your need as mother of your kids to have a break from her gifts to be able o get your kids their things and that she needs to be clear in her behaviousr to your step dad.

Luckily it was ok with your ds2 - some days I'm surprised with what my kids can do (& think to do as well!)

best wishes xxx

I'm sure that if their relationship is faltering, the row you had with your mum has nothing to do with it.

Never been in a similar situation, but FWIW I think you should stay out of thier relationship (apart from being there to support either/both of them if and when they ask for or need it).

Quite often we take the kids out, but if we're hear generally they sit around and I run about after them and the kids, unless i specifically ask them to do something for me.

I do think that I needed to have it out with my mum, although i haven't really said what I want to say, the row was about something stupid but there has been a long build up.

We all have family times when everyone does each others head in.Been there myself before now but my mum lives 8 doors away not 3 miles which at times is too convenient -for her.
I think you need a chat with your mum once this has calmed down she has gone in to classic run away from it all mode leaving others to pick it up.
It is only right you should speak up for yourself it is your life why should it be dominated by other peoples wishes all the time.Perhaps agree a compromise regarding visiting.I bet she doesnt realise she is overbuying either until you pointed it out.
Dont torture yourself over this or the what if of earlier today i bet there arent many mumsnetters it hasnt happened to truth be known.What if is never did so that is ok.
Your mum needs to take some responsibility though over this relationship issue does she perhaps come to yours to avoid spending time alone with him.
Do you live near Leeds I would kill for hot chocolate right now.
jo

I just know my mum won't do anything about it. She is using the row with me, as the perfect excuse to get out of a relationship she doesn't really want to be in.

I just get the feeling that I'm going to be left to pick up the pieces. What do I say to my step dad? This whole thing is doing my head in, I've got a horrible cold and I'm trying to be more pro-active with the kids, and this is just niggling away in the back of my head all the time.

Be firm,tell them both it is nothing to do with you and that you really have to see to your children now.

Jo, miles from Leeds I'm afraid.

I think she does spend all her time here, to avoid spending time with him on her own. It's a horrible situation really, because he is a lovely guy but he just winds my mum up. I just resent being left to sort things out because she can't be bothered.

Do you want to see your stepdad still?

Would you be keen for him to maintain a relationship with your children?

That aside, you really cant get involved in your mum's relationship, nor should you have to try and sort it out for them. You mum sounds like she needs to grow up a bit tbh. You need to refer stepdad to your mum if he keeps asking, and you need to make sure a message gets to your mum that you dont want him hassling you, and that she needs to sort it out with him. Its not fair on anyone.

WRT to you and her, I dont know what your row was about exactly, but, I think if you have issues you need to get them out in the open. Its no good bottling up issues, and then everything suddenly blurting out in an argument over something petty. It will undoubtedly just put her on the defensive before you have even started.

Seems like you all need some space anyway.

I will probably maintain a relationship with my step dad, he has always been a fixture in the kids life.

The row with my mum is because she wanted me to take her shopping and I said I wanted to do my garden.

My sil has said that she will speak to my mum about step dad contacting me, but if mum does speak to him, I'm sure she will make it sound like I'm complaining about it and he should leave me alone.

Aaarrggghhhhhhhh. I'm pissed off. The kids are still awake as well. Must go and get them to sleep.

Thanks for all your advice so far.

My mum is happier now I have had my DD than she has been for ages but I have noticed a dramatic decline in her relationship with my step dad. She moans about him all the time and wants to spend her time with us. Could go on fro ages but won't this is your post
For what its worth I think she is projecting her problems with him onto you and the weekends with you have meant they don't need to try to 'be' together. Look after yourself and your children first, the rest will sort itself with or without you getting involved. If you get the opportunity, sit down with them both and tell them you are not going to get caught in the middle. Just be firm, quick and don't get caught in any rangling.