Can you help me fix my marriage

[MiserableRegularInDisguise]

Right, I'll try not to turn this into a saga...
Married 10 years 2 DC (3&8). I love my husband very much but I find it hard to be intimate with him. It feels awkward and I feel embarrassed. It has pretty much been like this for the last 8 years since my eldest was born.

We argue about it, I end up distraught, promise to do something about it and then get huge anxiety about. I live walking on eggshells. Every evening I know he's going to ask for sex. During the day I feel ok about it and really want to make an effort but when the appropriate time comes I literally panic and can't. He then feels rejected, is nasty to me and so the cycle continues.

I am very open to communication about it but it's getting to the point where there isn't a lot left to be said. I do want things to get better, I don't want to separate but I just don't seem to be able to move forward.

We do have sex, about once a month and I try to offer 'other' stuff as well but I can see that I am literally meeting a physical need for him, going through the motions as it were rather than wanting to.

I've came up with so many reasons why I'm like this I'm not even sure which ones are true. I had a high risk pregnancy and a difficult birth with a hideous episiotomy which took around 5 months to heal meaning we didn't have sex for over a year which is where I think I can pinpoint this starting. My mum then died meaning my little brother came to live with us meaning between my 7 month old and him we got very little privacy.

I've found motherhood and working part time quite hard. I was quite ambitious and Independent and feel I've lost a huge chunk of myself and my confidence since having the children although I adore them.

I felt a lot of resentment in my first pregnancy towards DH as his life continued as normal and mine changed enormously. I still feel the same to some extent as I have a high needs toddler who only ever wants me. I sleep with her also which I know is something I need to sort out.

Do you think I can fix this or is it time to call it a day. Thank you if you've managed to get to the end that.

I think the question might be: would it really solve any of this to end the marriage? Because, at base, it sounds like the problem is an unequal division of childcare, self-esteem issues, and a lack of fulfilling outlets for your drive and creativity. I can actually see some of those things potentially getting worse if you decided to go it alone.

I am not saying i think you should out up with things. Absolutely not: they have to change. For a start, I think your DH needs to stop being a cloth-eared idiot and start looking at what's staring him in the face, namely that you are too tired and too dissatisfied to be able to enjoy life (not just sex, but life in general). He also needs to stop with the sexual bullying, immediately, because there is no justification or excuse for that. I don't know many women who wouldn't have issues with sex in the circumstances you describe, and he needs to be more understanding.

I think you should try couples counselling. You could sell it to DH as a way of talking through the sexual issues, but I'm reality it would go much broader than this. And I think you should put some time aside to have a careful think about what would make your life feel like less of a grind. How would you feel about going back to work full time and maybe using childcare more? Would DH be receptive to helping more around he house, or could you get a cleaner?

You sound like a woman who has selflessly put everything aside for her family, but who is in danger of losing herself as a result,

*put up with things.

Sometimes I hate tablets!

Aside from everything else - what leapt out at you is you say he is nasty to you. Why would you want sex with someone who treats you in that way? It seems to me that you feel bullied and pressured into sex - that can't be right can it?

Thanks for replying.

Struggling I think counselling is an option. He would be happy to go for that and has suggested it before. I will certainly look into it.

Lavender I know what you're saying and it is a huge problem. He does have a nasty streak but I do understand in a way because he feels that I mustn't love him because I don't want to have sex. He gets very frustrated and it comes out quite nastily. He is often very apologetic afterwards.

He's quite emotionally black and white whereas I am a jumbled up mix of emotions in the grey area if that makes sense. For the record I do not want to paint him as the problem here. Whilst there is much I'd like to change about him, there are also many positives and I do genuinely think the problem here lies with me.

struggling I also agree about the being in danger of losing myself but I see that as my responsibility to fix, it's just sometimes hard to prioritise yourself isn't it. I cannot see the wood for the trees at times and yet at other tines things tick along nicely and I bury it all and just cluck along as normal.

He knows you're not up for it for whatever reason but yet you know every night he's going to ask you for sex - seriously, no wonder you are turned off, who wouldn't be.

You gave birth to two children and are pretty much the sole carer, his life never changed, sorry but he sounds a really self centred man.

You need to stop seeing this as your problem that you need to fix, nobody is going to want sex with a man that behaves this way, full stop.