can you ever recover after end of a long marriage? am struggling so much

[yummytummy]

Just want some advice I guess from anyone experiencing similar

Marriage ended last october. Things were very bad towards the end I suffered a lot of quite bad physical and mental abuse and it wasnt safe for me and kids so it had to end.

But we had been together nearly 20 years and been through so much and in spite of everything I had so much feeling for him and still do.

Am finding it almost impossible as a single parent have no family support and cant cope with the loneliness very well

Also learnt at weekend that he is seeing someone else. Felt like had been stabbed in the heart and thought of him with someone else makes me feel physically sick. Havnt ate or sleptfor ages

Sometimes feel like it wd hav been better to have stayed and let him kill me at leasy i wdnt hav to live this broken hellish life

Please tell me it cd get better and one day I wont hurt this mucj

It will get better.

It is still early days. You have done an amazing thing. One day you will be proud of taking the step to leave.

Do you have children together?

You need to start by taking better care of yourself, you need to start eating small meals and build up. If your mind isn't nourished you can't see the wood for the trees. Maybe consider going to your GP for advice.

Sorry I see you do have children together. You have really done the best thing possible for both you and your children. It isn't easy being a single parent but it's hell living in a trapped abusive relationship.

I'm sorry you're so upset and have had such a bad experience. Yes, it does get better and IME it starts getting better once you stop missing your abuser and start feeling some of the anger that you've suppressed for so long. October isn't all that long ago when set against a 20 year relationship but, if you're genuinely feeling that being dead would have been preferable, I would urge you to see your GP and ask for their advice.

You may also want to consider something like the Freedom Programme which is a course designed to help the survivors of domestic abuse come to terms with what happened, understand that the techniques of abusive men are very common and very deliberate, and finally help you realise that none of what happened was your fault or responsibility.

If you're lonely there are ways to combat that. In the meantime, the massed ranks of MN will always be happy to chat. :)

It does get better, but it takes a long time. You invested 20 years in this. 6 months is not going to be enough to forgive and forget. I definitely think you might benefit from some antidepressants or anti anxiety meds... They lift the black cloud just enough that you can get yourself together.

The loneliness takes some getting used to, but you will eventually get used to your own space even though it doesn't feel like it right now. It is important that you schedule regular time for yourself to go out with friends, even if it's a coffee once a week with a couple of people (or even volunteering). Those times can really pull you through.

Please eat something. There is nothing that makes you feel more wretched than not eating regularly. Even if you don't feel like it, you have to be GI Jane tough here and make it a priority to ensure that you don't get ill, which means doing the basics.

Thanks for advice. Have been to gp having counselling and on meds but still feel horrendous.

Sleeping is hard but its eating thats hardest and the long lonely evenings. Kids are little so sleep early so longer time to pass. I try and keep busy I work part timebut its all jyst work kids home with no respite

There doesnt seem any light on the horizon and even though I feel so low I wdnt seriously think of harming myself as I cd never leave my kids alone but its like I have forgotten how to live

Before every day was just surviving the abuse so hard in that way but at least he was there even in a bad way

Now its just surviving day to day life and it feels so much harder. Still cant see why advice is always to leave. It isnt better still shit but in a different way

So it's been 6 months since you came out of a 20 year relationship, that's a very short time to recover, esp a relationship like yours. I bet your kids wouldn't want the life you had before.

You will have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get out there, join as many single parent groups as possible, make new friends, invite your kids friends round with their mums, sorry but it's the only way, it just sounds like you've far too much time on your hands and you're thinking it was better than what it actually was cos you have bugger all else to think about.

It's always better to reject abuse. It's not necessarily easy or painless. Day to day it can feel very lonely at first but in the long run it's better for your self-esteem and for your peace of mind. It's also much, much better for your children not to grow up fearing for your safety and their safety.

Short-term, you sound like you need some friends. I'm glad you're getting some counselling but there's nothing like a few mates. If you work part-time is there anyone you work with who you like? Who looks after your children when you're working... do you meet other mums? If you can't get out of the house easily in the evenings, how would you feel about inviting someone round for supper or even a cup of tea? It takes a bit of effort and creativity to carve a social life for yourself when you're a lone parent - I know I am one - especially when they are small, but it can be done if you look forward to the future rather than remaining stuck in the past where your ex is still managing to hurt you.

Cogito yes you are right I think I do need friends.

Eldest dc in breakfast and after school club and youngest in nursery when I work.

Have one gd friend from school run and she is great but
Busy with own kids and life as well obviously

Hav tried to find single parents groups but only one was for teen mums

I did invite one friend from gym for dinner which I thought went well but I was never invited back so maybe not

Its hard to force myself to do stuff as feel so crap atm

Everyone is busy with kids and lives so sometimes you have to put yourself on the line and say to them 'I really need a friend today'. Sometimes you get knocked back, other times it works out. But if you just carry on and never speak up people will not know you need help. I had coffee with an old friend yesterday and someone she knew quite well had sadly taken her own life. My friend's comment... 'She always seemed so together. Wish I'd known she was struggling'.

Something I did from quite early on in DS's life was organise a regular babysitter for a couple of hours one evening a week so I could join in with a local music project. It was 100% for me and became the one 'immovable' thing in my diary that only serious illness would stop me doing.

Cog is wise (as ever).

Another idea: OP, have you given any thought in all this to your hopes and dreams? If you could go back to school and be anything you wanted to be, what would you choose? And is there any way of making that happen now that you have evenings to yourself? Could you fill some of that time with commitment to a creative hobby, or a programme of study?

I also cannot overstate how important physical activity was to me when I came out of a 15 year relationship. I started out really, really small, and worked up. It made me feel (and look) great.

Gd idea to study something yes not sure what though

I do try to keep active do a lot of zumba and classes when I get the chance it does help

Any other tips much appreciated

Sorry to hear you are having such a tough time yummy. I also ended a 20 marriage in October (he was EA and I don't think I appreciated how much it affected me until recently - it was the affect on my children that made me leave him).
It is really hard and very lonely, but I keep reminding myself that I would much rather be lonely, but in a calm, happy home then feeling devastatingly lonely because I didn't feel I could talk / connect to the man sitting next to me on the sofa.
I had become detached from friends as a result of his behaviour - either they wouldn't include me in things because they were bothered by how he acted or I wouldn't go because I was worried how he would respond. Although I do now get invited to parties etc, I don't have the day to day connections re-established yet so spend a lot of time sat on my own. He is also being quite 'light touch' on the child care (he has them one night a week) which makes it difficult and expensive for me to get out.
I'm starting to realise that it is (at least in part) down to reminding people you are there. Ask people around for coffee / tea / wine and don't be offended if they can't or don't invite you back. You are obviously a strong lady to have got this this far - try and use that same strength to break down those barriers.

I also understand the emotion about him meeting someone else. My ex has suddenly become even less cooperative about seeing the DCs because he is "busy" going out. As he always claimed that we couldn't go out because he was an introvert, I'm pretty sure there is a woman involved. Part of me is delighted by this - yes! He might actually be moving on - part thinks how can that git meet someone when I can't even get out for a drink with girlfriends! For me it's more jealousy of his ability to meet someone than the idea of him actually having someone else.

Keep going - it will get easier for both of us, I'm sure of it. xx

I said 20 marriage - I meant relationship. We were married 11 years.