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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He says I can live here for the next 7 years!

22 replies

lovemenot · 30/04/2014 01:17

H hasn't spoken to me since September 2013. Separate rooms. I spend all my time at home in my room or the kitchen. I sent letter from my solicitor with various and reasonable proposals.

His proposal is to "let" me live here till dd finishes her education, and that we have some type of civil relationship.

He says there isn't enough money to support two households, although this house is not in negative equity. His solicitor is now suggesting mediation, which he ignored when I suggested it months ago.

This is nuts, isn't it?

OP posts:

bragmatic · 30/04/2014 01:33

Yes. What does your solicitor say?

Do you have children?

sadwidow28 · 30/04/2014 01:55

You need to speak to your solicitor again. You may be entitled to live in the home until DD finishes her education. Or, if your DH has spent equal time parenting your DD then you may have to set up the separate residence to share PR 50/50.

What you don't want - or so it appears - is to live in the same house, separate bedrooms and not speaking.

Have either of you thought about the damage that you are doing to your DD?

how does she know who she can speak to and when?
how does she visit you in the kitchen without offending her dad?
a silent house is not a happy home

How will your DD be able to make her own adult choices when all she has to model is a totally fractured family?

Nuts? This is more than Nuts! It is downright cruel on your DD.

AdoraBell · 30/04/2014 02:19

Nuts doesn't come close to what this is. Fucking deranged is more like it.

You say his solicitor suggested mediation, what has your solicitor said? If you have a solicitor go and tell them he refuses the meditation recommended by his solicitor, if you don't then get one tomorrow.

Lot's of people cannot afford two houses of the same size or value as the joint marital home after a divorce. They move to what they can afford. My parents did it, friends have done, and your H can do it.

AdoraBell · 30/04/2014 02:23

And not speaking is not the same as a civil relationship.

This will already be damaging for your DD. My father didn't speak for 4 years. I felt no need to speak to him on the day my mother left or any day after for about 3 years.

fidelineish · 30/04/2014 02:34

If he needs to get his solicitor to write a letter to you to suggest a civil relationship, because he is not speaking to you to make the suggestion himself... well the mind boggles really.

bragmatic · 30/04/2014 02:36

Sorry, of course you have children. You said that. Scrap that.

Original poster

lovemenot · 30/04/2014 02:40

My solicitor has told his that my h's treatment of me makes living together no longer an option.

If I had any money I would have sorted this a long time ago.

Our dd spends time with us separately. He speaks to her, just not to me. I have told her (age appropriately) that no man should call any woman the names he calls me. She has exams (teenager) in a few weeks and I'm trying to keep her life as peaceful as possible under the circumstances until her exams are done.

I know this is appalling, I hate that she is living in this environment, I hate that I'm living in it too.

He has suggested that it's in her best interests for us to work this out living in the same house. For a moment, I wondered if he was right and I'm just making it worse for her.

OP posts:

fidelineish · 30/04/2014 02:43

How about a Mesher order if there is insufficient equity? You both work?

Of course it's not a good atmosphere for DD. Or any of you. He's trying to bamboozle you.

fidelineish · 30/04/2014 02:45

Adora that sounds horrible

AdoraBell · 30/04/2014 03:00

It was fed but I'm over it now, thanks to a fab psychologist.

It really is no way to raise DCs, my mother should have left years before she did and part of the result is that I feel she had no right to give birth to me. Again, fab psychologist helped with my ishoos.

I'm not trying to lay it on thick OP, but the longer this continues to bigger the impact on your DD.

NigellasDealer · 30/04/2014 03:32

there is no way that this is in your daughter's 'best interests'.
Does he think that only he calls the shots or something?
ffs.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/04/2014 06:59

I don't understand the comment about money and not being able to sort it out. It sounds as though you should not plan to be reliant in any way on this man for the roof over your head. He's already using it as a way to exert control. Your DD's education will not thrive and your peace of mind will not improve if you are living in such a dysfunctional environment. I'd suggest you get some information on alternative accommodation and things like top-up benefits if your income is low and then go back to your solicitor and instruct them to start the divorce.

There is enough money to run two households but they will be smaller/cheaper households. That's just the way it rolls.

struggling100 · 30/04/2014 08:50

Oh God, when my ex and I split up we had a joint mortgage and were living in separate bedrooms because we couldn't afford the payments and rent other places. It was HELL and I ended up spending a lot of time sleeping in my car to get away. You can't get over the relationship, grow, and open yourself up to new possibilities (and new relationships) like this.

You need to work out the figures for yourself. Even if you are living in a much smaller house or flat with DD, it will be much better for you both to have separate lives. Speak to your solicitor, and make a spreadsheet. The maths of this isn't difficult, and will let you make an informed decision!

Tryharder · 30/04/2014 09:50

I know 2 couples who are separated ie don't sleep together and have separate social lives but who live in the same house and co parent. This is due to finances. It works for them because they are still relatively friendly with their former partners and run the household together I.e share finances etc

But your situation sounds intolerable OP. Better to downsize/downgrade than live in those circumstances.

Lweji · 30/04/2014 10:29

You need to sort out the practicalities with your solicitor, and start the ball running.
Exams are in a few weeks and separation could happen very shortly after, during the holidays, so that your DD could start the new year afresh.

You could get use of the house until your DD is older and he could be evicted. Particularly if he is abusive (name calling) you could get a residency, forbidden steps, or whatever order, to get him out of the house.

I think it would be useful to contact WA in this regard. They may advise you on a solicitor used to such men, and guide you through the muddy waters of dealing with abusive men.

mumblechum1 · 30/04/2014 10:52

Just on a side note, why would it be 7 years? If your dd is taking GCSEs now she'll be leaving for Uni in 2.5 years and the likelihood is that she'll only make fleeting and occasional visits back to wherever you are living after that.

SolidGoldBrass · 30/04/2014 11:00

Have you any money of your own? If you could afford to rent somewhere smaller to live in with your DD you could probably move out while keeping your financial claim on the house when it is sold. Your H is not the master of the universe and does not get to have everything his own way. You don't need his permission or his co-operation to divorce him, and the house can be sold and the profits split even if he doesn't agree (though it will take longer.) Talk to your solicitor. Best of luck.

perfectstorm · 30/04/2014 13:03

Is it possible that his solicitor has told him the chances are, he'll have to move out and make reasonable provision for his child (and by extension, her primary carer, if that's you?) and he is therefore gunning as hard as he can to delay a financial settlement until she's left not just home, but university, and he can therefore avoid her being factored in as a dependant of you both? I don't know, but would imagine that would reduce your share accordingly? (Mumblechum?) After that time assets will still be split, but on a basis likely to be better for his interests. Housing kids is usually a priority in any settlement and if there's not money for both parents to live as before, the one who isn't primarily caring for the kids tends to draw the short straw.

Given your description of his treatment of you I would highly doubt your daughter's best interest are his first, or even second concern. As he can't enjoy the setup either I would assume a financial motive. A strong one.

Original poster

lovemenot · 30/04/2014 13:16

Yep, I think you are right about him delaying the inevitable as long as possible. Dd is 15 (in Ireland, so doing Junior cert).

I've emailed my solicitor and will phone him as soon as he has had time to read my email. I will not be playing unhappy families for the next 7 years. No way. My solicitor previously told me not leave this house as it would reduce my claim on it if I could be seen to be able to support myself.

I'm gonna get her through her exams and then all bets are off. He will have to find a way to buy me out if he wants to hold on to his precious house. Either way, her future is my priority, not living in this current environment, nor some farce of a supposedly civil arrangement.

Thank you all, mostly I cope but last night was one of those where a sick stomach led me to question it all. Isn't it strange where all of a sudden all logical and rational thought just floats away and you are left a quivering mess.

OP posts:

fidelineish · 30/04/2014 14:47

Isn't it strange where all of a sudden all logical and rational thought just floats away and you are left a quivering mess.

Nope. It's what happens late at night in times of stress . Glas you have a decision and are determined .

EverythingCounts · 30/04/2014 16:05

Ridiculous reasoning on his part. It would be in your DD's best interests if he behaved decentlytowards you and didn't call you names, but he isn't prepared to do that, is he? Get your solicitor to stand up to him.

AveryJessup · 01/05/2014 01:35

Just wanted to say to you, OP, that my friend grew up in this situation. This was in Ireland in the 1990s when divorce had only just been legalized and was still a huge taboo. Her mother stayed with her father purely for the sake of appearances and only moved out when my friend was 18 and went to college.

Her mother stuck with things because she thought that it was in her daughter's best interests. She didn't want her bullied at school or stigmatized for having separated / divorced parents.

In reality, my friend says it was utterly miserable growing up in her house and she hated her teenage years. The atmosphere at home was awful and really wore her down. She saw a counsellor about it when she was older as the stress of it all led her to develop an eating disorder.

So if you or your husband think you are helping your DD by staying in the same home, please re-think that. She is old enough to know what's going on and I'm sure it's a horrible atmosphere for her. Taking her out of the situation is the best thing you could do for her.

Good luck. I hope your solicitor has good advice.

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