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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can't get DH's friend out of my head

21 replies

thenamehaschanged · 29/04/2014 18:39

I've known this guy for 16 years. He lives where DH is from so quite a long distance from us. I've only ever really seen him 2 or 3 times a year. He's always fancied me and has been quite open about it in the past but in a charming, non weird way if that makes sense. DH is aware and it has never bothered him.

Oh anyway, fast forward to now and my marriage has become really shit. H is a stressy, unsupportive drama queen who's not averse to some horrible name calling when he's on one. I'm on AD's, craving happiness, good sex, love and respect all of which I don't have and I'm scared I'm getting older and never will have.

Went back to H's homeland at new year, went to a party and I totally did myself up as I knew the friend was going to be there - he was, he's single and for the whole night we just couldn't keep our eyes off each other. It was lovely, but I got a bit drunk towards the end and told him me and H were having problems which wasn't a good idea thinking back. He asked me a couple of questions like had I told H how I felt etc but then he kept his distance from me for the rest of the night.

He gave me a big hug and a kiss on the cheek when we left and that was it I haven't seen him since and yet I literally can't get him out of my head as Kylie would say aaarrrgh - he's H's mate, not mine, we're not on Facebook or anything.

Me and H are probably going to separate at some point but would it be totally wrong of me to think I could have something with this other guy or should I just move on quietly? I just can't help feeling that I have strong feelings for him that are reciprocated and that a relationship with him would be real love and respect :(

OP posts:

PoirotsMoustache · 29/04/2014 19:59

I think you need to resolve your marriage problems before thinking about getting involved with anyone else. Whether that means fixing the relationship between you and your husband or separating and divorcing is obviously down to you. If it's the latter, then you'll need time to gather yourself and get used to being on your own again.

You're not getting the feelings/care/attention you need and crave from your husband, so you're turning this friend into something more than he is.

I'm sorry it's so awful for you at the moment. You need to make a decision about your marriage.

ThePinkOcelot · 29/04/2014 20:32

I would move on quietly tbh. Even if you did split with your DH, his friend is a no no imo. It would be far too awkward.

MrWalletwithMothsonboard · 29/04/2014 20:43

Most men have more morals than to sleep with their best friend's missus. They can be incredibly moral when it comes to that situation. You are most likely heading for humiliation if you pursue this I am afraid, and concur that you need to sort out your marriage before casting a net for another man.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 29/04/2014 20:44

But.....he distanced himself from you when you told him things had changed at home so...why would you think a relationship is on the cards? Not trying to be mean but surely that means he's not interested?

Original poster

thenamehaschanged · 29/04/2014 20:56

No it's ok you're not being mean - thanks everyone, reading it all back I sound a right sad sack! It's the marriage that's the problem that I need to sort. I just felt a bit blown away by my feelings because I'd never fancied him before up until the new year party - I think I was just desperate for male attention and have turned it into something it isn't because I'm so unhappy :(

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Purpleroxy · 29/04/2014 21:02

You aren't a sad sack and you haven't done anything wrong.

However, I think whilst you've both had fun flirting, it probably can't go any further, even if you got a divorce. Horrendously messy and probably better in a fantasy than in reality.

I think you've been married for a long time and are having some normal difficulties which you can fix.

something2say · 29/04/2014 21:07

Hey,I don't think you're a sad sack either. Plus, I think that when all of this is said and done, you are going to have a great time reinventing yourself as a single woman, and this man is a taster of what's to come.

I do agree with the poster who suggested that going with your partners friend is also a no go. I agree with that, it is not good to do that.

Take care x you'll be fine x

meditrina · 29/04/2014 21:08

The attention is very heady.

But I cannot say this strongly enough: you need to move on quietly.

Your thoughts about this other an are in your head and have not been tested in RL. Nothing wrong with enjoying the antsy, as long as you recognise that it s just fantasy.

Deal with you reality first: decide the future of you arrange and make it happen. And only then think about you future and who to invite into it. An ex's friend might not seem such an attractive option once you've moved on a bit.

Original poster

thenamehaschanged · 29/04/2014 21:13

Thanks Purple, been together 17 years, 2 kids, we're both of the feeling that if we hadn't had our DC then we wouldn't be together now. We live and sleep separately, I don't ever want to have sex with him ever again, too many horrible things have been said that I just can't. We're more like flatmates

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Original poster

thenamehaschanged · 29/04/2014 21:14

Sorry missed your posts second and medtrina, thanks, all really wise words

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Original poster

thenamehaschanged · 29/04/2014 21:15

Something, not second!

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MrWalletwithMothsonboard · 29/04/2014 21:20

Wishing you all the best in what sounds like a tough and miserable situation thenamehaschanged (x).

Doearwigsmakechutney · 29/04/2014 22:14

I just wanted to say that I really empathise with this situation - attention from someone else is really seductive when the main relationship is going badly wrong.

That said I think everyone is right that you have to work out the situation with (D)H before thinking yourself into other possibilities (though fantasies can be fun...).

For me, the main question was whether I'd be happier on my own than with DH. Good luck

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 29/04/2014 22:22

Just don't. It's your loneliness and sadness talking - you want something to make you happy and excited and to make you forget about everything that's happening at the moment.

Sort out the marriage - or the separation. Forget this guy- and any guy, in fact - until things are sorted. It may feel tough, but you'll look back and be glad you didn't muddy the waters when you needed to he able to think clearly.

MoonshineWashingLine · 29/04/2014 22:24

Most men have more morals than to sleep with their best friend's missus.

Haha! Yeah right... two of my ex's best mates 'fell in love' with me and one of them I actually had a relationship with for 5 years! So it's not unheard of by any means. One of my good male friends has several ex's who all know each other as well. Maybe our friends are odd but I doubt it

However I would still approach with caution. It caused a lot of problems for quite a while when I started seeing ex's best mate...

HicDraconis · 29/04/2014 23:05

You need to sort out your marriage before you think about new relationships, but you know that.

However - I am now very happily married to ex-P's "best" friend, have been together 10 years with 2 children. ExP and I lived together but had separate rooms, he was also a stressy depressive drama queen (which gets you down!) ... His friend contacted me after we split, came round for dinner & the rest is history. The friendship with exP and DH didn't survive but we never expected it to and DH wasn't keen on maintaining it anyway before I showed up (having experienced the same stressy drama crap).

I had my own social circle, DH slotted into it perfectly and it didn't cause as many issues as it might have done. My only advice would be - be honest with yourself, your current H and any future partners. Finish one thing properly before you think about anything or anyone else. And don't keep it a secret from your H if you do get together with his friend - be open, be honest and expect him not to want anything to do with either of you again.

Original poster

thenamehaschanged · 29/04/2014 23:23

Thank you everyone, thanks HicDraconis that was very interesting and so similar. I need to move on from my marriage, I keep putting it off because I'm scared of starting the ball rolling but as an earlier post said, what happened at new year gave me a taste of what could be out there and I think that's why my world has felt so rocked ever since.

Interestingly H said to me after the party that me and the friend make a good couple. I must have looked so happy in his company it caught H off guard too. The friend isn't a best friend of H's but he's the younger brother of H's best friend. But yes, very messy, not right, got to end my marriage in the best way possible and not think about any men for a long while!

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 30/04/2014 15:38

Would you want to uproot your kids to move there and would he even want to take them on?

Fancying the wife of a mate is one thing, actively wanting a relationship with her is another.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 30/04/2014 17:44

Some men flirt with and appear hugely attractive to other men's partners because they are safe in the knowledge these women are off limits. As you were frank and told this man you and H have had recent problems, you noticed him adapt his behaviour and re-establish a respectful distance. Do you even know his current situation? Catching up with someone two or three times a year is like meeting your dentist at six monthly appointments. Not much on which to base anything.

If you finish with H you will be free - as free as you can be with DCs obviously - to look for someone who's available and have all the excitement of a new partner - don't rush in or pin your hopes on this particular person.

firesidechat · 30/04/2014 19:15

Well for what it's worth I think any man openly demonstrating his attraction to a friend's wife is behaving very inappropriately. Ok to feel it, but not ok to show it, in my opinion. It would put me right off him and I would assume that he wasn't a decent human being.

Original poster

thenamehaschanged · 30/04/2014 21:36

Yeah I know what you're saying fire, but it's always been a feeling of fondness, shared humour and admiration whenever we've seen each other. Not sleazy or out and out trying to pull me in front of H. He's too respectful of both me and H to behave like that, plus he's happily sorted in his life. It's more that he's been open with H that he thinks I'm really cool when the others are all slagging their wives and ex wives off round the pool table on one of their meet ups thrice a year (pretty much all of H's mates are separated from their wives! I'm still friendly with some of them but bloody hell they were a needy, high maintenance bunch - I'm the complete opposite, laid back and easy going.....hence the emotional abuse I'm now living with )

I've been flirted with in the most pathetic ways by other men but this is different and it's been so subtle over the years that I had never really thought anything of it until now when I'm not that happy. But it's ok, I totally get it's not going to happen....and as twinklestein said, there's no way I could uproot us all to move to live with him, and he wouldn't want that either!......unless he moved in with me

Thanks everyone

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