Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Men are confusing creatures...:-(

16 replies

Aliensloveunderpants00 · 29/04/2014 16:07

So, I was with lovely XBF for just over six months and relationship ended last Nov (completely my fault, I was going through a very difficult time in my life and sabotaged the whole thing, I realise that now and fully regret ending it). We've had sporadic contact since then, until two weeks ago when out of the blue he called and invited me to a show he had a spare ticket for. We had a great fun evening out together during which we both got slightly drunk; he started saying how he had always loved me, kissing me etc (he used to say it quite a lot when we were together). We ended up spending the night together at mine which was amazing, like old times. In the morning he was his normal self however I detected a very slight distancing by him....this might be because stupidly I told him just before getting home that I didn't want to get straight back into a relationship and would like to take things slow whatever this was; I just said it partly as I couldn't bear the thought of hurting him again, partly because although I think I still love him and he did make me very happy, we are essentially two very different people and I'm not sure it will really work long term.

Since that night, we're back to messaging every other day but any hints to meet up again have been brushed off/ignored by him Sad. I just don't understand it how he could be saying he still loves me (drunks and children always tell the truth right?!) yet still not be eager to meet up again..... maybe game playing making me work for it as I was the one ending the relationship last year, or just plainly not interested?

Wish I could read his mind... so confusing Confused

OP posts:
MrsHaitch · 29/04/2014 16:10

Perhaps he doesn't want to make the 1st move given that you said you wanted to take it slow?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/04/2014 16:11

If anyone's game-playing, surely it's you? Hmm

Original poster
Aliensloveunderpants00 · 29/04/2014 16:16

I have asked him in a couple of occasions to come over or meet up for a drink. Surely that's clear enough indication for him that I want to see him again and want me in my life?

And certainly not game playing; I do care about him enormously and don't want to see him hurt again by me, especially if I'm unsure whether I want a full blown relationship or not (I don't even know if that's what he wants either).

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/04/2014 16:21

Being unsure is, by definition, game-playing. You dumped him, then you say you want him in your life and he, very sensibly, keeps his distance. But you 'keep contact ' until he caves and then you shag the guy and tell him 'I'm not read for a relationship'. Is he supposed to just come running when you whistle?

Leave the poor bastard alone.

Jan45 · 29/04/2014 16:24

I see it differently, I think you have made it very easy for him to pick up where yous left off, he's not interested in a relationship anymore with you, I'd say he's already moved on.

And no, drunk people talk rubbish, not necessarily the truth.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/04/2014 16:28

"we are essentially two very different people and I'm not sure it will really work long term."

That's a very long way of saying 'you're dumped'... surely? He's already had his fingers burned once and I'd be less surprised if he'd started a thread saying 'women are confusing creatures'

Original poster
Aliensloveunderpants00 · 29/04/2014 16:48

I didn't tell him that though, just that whatever this was, I rather take things slow.

I see where you're coming from Cogito but HE was the one who always initiates contact, and he was the one kissing me (even before we had a drink) and he was also the one suggesting to end the night at mine. And I did reciprocate his I love you because. .. well because I do Sad

So, how do I sort out this mess?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/04/2014 16:50

Leave him in the past. Don't contact him any more. Move on with your life and make new friends.

Maisie0 · 29/04/2014 17:21

Maybe because he too is not sure of you too. i.e. you are still inconsistent. Cos surely if you were totally into him like madly, you would be not saying one thing, and doing another, right ? Your heart would have sync with your head, surely ?

Instead of thinking about him and what he is thinking. Stop and think about what you like about him, and if he indeed has future potentials and why.

You can't read his mind unless he opens it for you to read and be read. I used to annoy my friends so much asking "what must he be thinking", until I annoyed one of my male friend, and he told me off. "How the heck do I know?" Lol... This is true. The only way that you can find out is if you asked the other person directly.

You just have to make a good decision and judgment on the pros and cons of him. Plus whether you actually understood him as a person too. Like, do you know why he liked certain things. What was his past like, and what did he used to do etc. If you cannot even understand him, then I would say there is no point to be honest.

Original poster
Aliensloveunderpants00 · 29/04/2014 19:34

Maisie Thank you, lots to think about. I think I do understand him as a person. Just the small matter of whether he still wants something to do with me or not, just wish I knew Sad.

Thank you

OP posts:
NotNewButNameChanged · 29/04/2014 23:40

I'm with Cogito on this.

Your thread title is daft because
a) it's a sweeping generalisation;
b) if this man (singular) is confused it's because YOU have confused him!

MelonadeAgain · 30/04/2014 10:28

Tell him what you want then. If you want a serious committed relationship, tell him that. Then at least you will know where you stand. He quite likely doesn't know what you want.

blueshoes · 30/04/2014 11:08

You are the confusing one. You are giving him mixed signals. You reciprocate his contact, you have sex with him then cool it off and expect him to continue as if nothing happened.

You sound a bit immature and just not very self-aware.

I agree with Cog that you should just leave the poor man alone and stop this silly drama with his feelings.

HaroldLloyd · 30/04/2014 11:10

You are definitely the confusing one, you are not even sure if you want a relationship with him?

You need to work out what you want, I totally get that he isn't jumping into anything with you at the moment.

Lweji · 30/04/2014 11:19

First you need to know what you want.

If you want to be with him, then have an honest conversation with him and either move forward or leave.

If you don't want to be with him, or are not sure (it actually means you don't want to), then stop contact with him and don't reply when he contacts you. It will make things easier and simpler.

Chapsview · 30/04/2014 11:28

OP - now you know how we feel! Smile

Seriously - he is no doubt just as confused as you - he asked you out - you had a great time - you slept together; all of which seems to be diving back into it - and then you go and say you want to take things slowly!

Generally we chaps IMO do not spend hours thinking these things through - we get confused by mixed messages.

Instead of trying to double guess him - contact him, ask if you can meet for a chat, tell him what you have told us and hey presto - he knows what you are thinking and will probably tell you what he is thinking. You will both know where you stand - a bit of an honest chat is all that is needed

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread