Marriage falling apart, it's not even been a year.

[DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld]

I'm completely at the end of my patience and sanity, I just don't know how much more I can take.

We've always struggled with the labour divide - I wanted him to do more around the house, he used the fact that he works full time against me. It caused problems, but nothing we couldn't work through.

Then we hit a major financial problem, which meant I had to go back to work. Not ideal, but it had to be done. Except he still spends his days off lounging around in his dressing gown, expecting me to do all the house stuff, toilet train DS, keep up with college - all while working in the evenings.

Today I just hit rock bottom. He's off work, but he's refusing to go to the shops because he didn't sleep well. Neither did I, but I now have to walk half an hour there, half an hour back, then the same walk down to get the bus to work. Another half hour once I'm off the bus, then on my feet for three hours at work, then a half hour walk and half hour wait to get my bus home. Then a half hour walk uphill to my house, where I'll then be expected to sort dinner. If I'm lucky, there'll be no comments about how hard he works and how he has it so bad.

I just don't know what to do. We've not even been married a year, and I just wish I was on my own again.

I'm so sorry, it sounds like a shitty situation. How does he react when you explain how you feel?

Oh gosh, he sounds a lot like my ex. I'm afraid the only solution I found to his persistently kidult behaviour was to leave. I am much happier now!!

Tell him he has to make dinner today as you're at work.

What do you need from the shop? If its not something that you need now then get it later on the way to or back from work. if he needs it then he can go & get it.

How assertive have you been up until now? Has his behaviour changed since you've been married?

I think you need to talk to him about this but try taking a different tack. Instead of complaints - try saying you want to work together as a team in your lives and think you need to chat about how you both think that can work.

To be honest with you, with no other information than your first post, if one person is staying at home with one child, and one person is out at work full time, then personally I think looking after the domestic chores is part of the stay at home person's role. Looking after one kid isn't that much work unless they have special needs etc, it's normal to do the housework as well around the child. I think it's part of the stay at home deal.

Of course the situation has changed now you are also working outside the home in the evenings, and there needs to be a shift in some responsibilities.

did you live together before you were married ?

We lived together for over a year before we married, it was a lot more equal split back then. I was happy to do the bulk of the housework when I was a SAHM, I only wanted him to do a few things (take the bins out and keep the bathroom clean) which often don't get done.

I've tried the working as a team talk, but it just ends with him promising to do more and not following through.

We need milk and bread urgently, or there'll be no lunch.

But only HE will be without lunch, because you are going to work right?

But, I would seriously consider leaving him. He knows what he is doing.

Do not go to the shops. Just sort yourself and your child out.

Tell him to shape up or ship out.

I would eat anything rather than go to the shops in these circumstances…

have you got nothing else at all in the house? and I don't mean 'something he will eat' obviously?

I do sympathise - it sounds as if he hasn't taken in that anything has changed since you started WOTH with a toddler.

Can I suggest you get a bike?

Sadly, you can't make a lazy man pull his weight... and you've got a lazy man. What you do about it is entirely up to you but that's the starting point.... he's not going to shift himself because he's bone idle and has no respect for you.

I'd bet good money on the fact that he in no way regards these issues as 'marriage falling apart' stuff. He has to realise this before anything will change. "I feel we married under false pretenses," would be a good way into the conversation. And, "I'm actually not interested in hearing that you are sorry so much as I'm interested in seeing you are sorry," should definitely be in there. And why not suggest sitting and working out what the household labour is and agreeing a strategy to divide it? Make it clear that you will not be nagging or prompting but expecting it done. Have a trial period (in which you do not in any way comment, nag or facilitate him not doing stuff by doing it yourself - if it's something that you need e.g. he was going to iron your work shirt but didn't, do it yourself and then say, I had to do that task so I've given you this one back in return, or if it's food sort yourself and the kids out but not him). At the end of the trial, have another conversation. He has to know that you will end the marriage if it transpires that it is not a partnership but your taking on another person's household and admin tasks.

Of course he doesn't think the marriage is falling apart. He's All Right Jack. Lounges about in his robes like the Grand Pooh-Bah in the certain knowledge that the OP will run about playing general dogsbody and (aside from a half-hearted attempt at invoking teamwork) not complaining. There are currently no consequences to his laziness so, sadly, it will continue.

Ok... so it's one of two things I guess.

Either

a) he actually deep down believes all this stuff is 'woman's work' (even if it's subconciously) and was sort of forcing himself/faking it when he took more of an equal role. This is how he wants it to be.
b) he's just a lazy bugger who doesn't like doing chores and gets away with your stepping in.

a) is a lot more difficult to deal with. If this is the case, then it really could be a dealbreaker for you and you need to have a serious conversation with him. If you approach it from this angle in either case, if it turns out to be b), it'll maybe make him see how unreasonable he is being and how much of an effect it is having on your marriage and shock him out of it.

it wasn't an "equal split" back then though, was it ?

he considered housework (then, as now) as women's work and somehow beneath him

SAHM's who let their working partners off the shitwork that keeps a household running pleasantly for everyone often learn too late what a mistake they made too late when they try to go back to work and find they simply had a lazy, entitled man all along

there was a thread about it just the other day...that woman sounded a lot more "surrendered" than the OP here though....however, it often amounts to the same thing in the end

he won't contribute to the housework simply because he doesn't want to

once you accept that, it should inform the choices you make

Order food online from now on and draw up a rota like you would for a teenager for housework. He sounds like an arse.

Housework is for everyone who lives in the house, doesn't matter who works or doesn't. Everyone should chip in.

It really sounds like you're doing everything.

Also, if it's a) he might find he's falling into patterns he connects with marriage (did his mum do it all while his dad sat around?) without thinking about it, and a bit of a wake up call now is needed, for him to rethink his attitudes and where they are coming from.

It does rather sound that way, Cogito. Some people don't realise the extent of their knobbery til it's articulated to them but would be totally appalled by the bare facts of the matter, which they conveniently ignore.

I think the only thing that could possibly appal this man is the prospect of losing his little slave...

My first step would be to stop doing anything at all for him.
Sort yourself out and your DC and leave him to it.
He does his own shopping, cooking, washing, ironing, tidying, cleaning!
See how he copes with that.
His reaction will tell you all you need to know.
But right now, he thinks you are his skivvy and you are there to serve. He has not respect for you at all. Is that your deal-breaker???

Does it all really have to be equal?

If you want something doing,then do it,if he does then he can do it.

And i dont mean that in a "sort you and the child out and leave him to fend for himself" thats petty and spiteful.

You can only do so much now you are working outside the home.If he is not bothered by certain things i ont think its fair to make him do them,in our house we say if you are bothered by something then do it yourself.It doesnt have to be equal,i dont understand that.

Oh and his own cooking.
And that should be NO respect for you.

"It doesnt have to be equal,i dont understand that"

Equality is in the eye of the beholder. The crucial thing is that everyone believes they are sharing the work and putting in the same amount of thought and effort. That is clearly not happening and it's leading to huge resentment.

This is really helping me sort this out in my own head, thank you.

I had to go to the shop or DS would have had no lunch. And the poster who suggested a bike - it's a bit far to cycle to work, and I don't really mind the walking. It's just the idea of doing an extra hour on top of everything else.

He actually did a fair bit around the house before we married, but it's dropped off so badly. I still have a line for what I'll do - I won't iron his shirts since they're the only thing that needs ironing, and I won't make his lunches. He complains, but I still have a sliver of backbone left. The rest of it - he knows that if he just leaves it, I'll do it, because I don't want to live in a tip. Not sure what the answer to that is.

Cogito bang on with the resentment, that's exactly what I feel. And hellsbells yes, the lack of respect is my deal breaker.

The idea of leaving the place to become a tip is counter-productive, not to say passive aggressive. You have to take what's left of your backbone, tell him that things need to be done, set out the expectations and ... very important.... illustrate the consequences of them not getting done. If his bone-idleness is leading to resentment strong enough for you to start regretting saying 'I do' that's how you put it - as baldly as that. BUT... big but... if you go that route you have to be very sure that you really are prepared to end things over this or, if you don't follow through, you risk being treated with even more contempt than you already are.

...yes, following through.

You know what the first step to that is? Sitting down and thinking, REALLY thinking hard about what life would actually be like if you left him. Everyday life, care of DS, finances, place to love, managing the split (bad!) but then also what it might look like in eg a year (good, and getting better!) think it ALL through. Take the fear out of it. Because I bet if you do this bit of thinking, you'll soon come to the conclusion that yes, you WOULD be better off, and so would your DS.

If you can actually imagine going ahead, it becomes easier up follow through.

He has no respect for you, and is a misogynist who expects his life to be shored up by you, because that's what women and marriage is for.

Leaving that kind of person is never going to make life harder!