impasse with dh - how do you make life changing decisions when you don't agree?

[elliott]

How on earth do people in partnerships manage to agree on really big decisions?
Me and DH have been going round and round the 'move or extend' decision for about 3 years and I don't feel we are any closer really to agreeing a decision we are both settled with. At the moment I am going along with what he wants but I'm not really happy about it. THe problem is that I haven't been able to come up with an alternative that he is remotely keen on, and I feel very uncomfortable trying to force something on him that he doesn't want (not helped by the fact that none of my alternatives is perfect even to me...)
I'm not expecting advice on what the 'right' decision is, because only we can make that, but how on earth do we arrive at an agreed compromise? How have other people managed to reach agreement?
This conflict has been niggling away at a low level for a long time and I think its getting both of us down.

it depends on your reasons for disagreeing really - do you know why he wants what he wants? only that might suggest a compromise in itself.

dh and my big disagreement is over which country we live in, and it's a bit sad really but the decision has been made in a which-way-would-cause-least-overall-misery way really. by which I mean i'm getting my way, but in return i have caved in over all big but lesser decisions in the last year (he wants a stupidly expensive car and a long holiday).

yes, also meant to say that when you decide that he gets his way (or not, as the case may be) I think you need to make an absolute decision and stick to it. because it's not the decision so much as the contant indecision that gets you down in these things. - I think you´ll feel better even if you decide to do something you don´t really want to do as long as you actually make the decision.

The battle is normally money over lifestyle and sadly money always seems to win!

tenalady I'm not sure what you mean??

Yes, SP, the indecision is a problem. And trying to understand the WHY is even harder than just trying to work out what it is we both want - and of course invariably ends up in an argument. I do have some insight into why we both want the things we want, but that hasn't brought us any closer to a decision. And I think we do have major ishoos about power in our relationship - DH thinks I have too much! While I think he is failing to understand my POV. hmmmm.

This might sound really glib and please don't think I'm not taking you seriously but what will happen if you cannot reach a decision ?

Is there a timeframe within which this decision must be made ? (for whatever reason)

Is it the sort of decision where the one of you who doesn't get their "own way" would end up feeling so resentful, that resentment would threaten the relationship ?

Or, do you think because it's being going on so long, it's turned into more of a power struggle rather than looking at the cold hard facts of what's best for the family ?

What I was going to say which could sound glib is that if you really have reached an impasse, but something needs to happen to break the deadlock, would you both be prepared to abide by the flick of a coin ? ...... I don't mean to belittle you but that would be one way of the decision being taken out of your joint hands if you can't agree.

Another, perhaps more sensible way might be mediation ? Would that perhaps help each of you to see the bigger picture ...... maybe an impartial 3rd party could even suggest a third alternative which neither of you had previously been able to see (wood and trees and all that).

Ahh, what I was trying to say is that most indecisions in our house are normally ruled by financially how better off we could be rather than whether our lifestyle would benefit.

Is it that what you think is a good idea is not necessarily a good move for the long term security of the family or are you saying he is just bloody minded and has no good reason to go along with your suggestion and visa versa?

Ah I see Tenalady. No, we are normally reasonably compatable with regard to how we view money/lifestyle balance. Money is only a small part of this decision (though it is part of it). I tend to be the cautious one...

catsmother that is a good post, not glib at all! Yes, we have reached a kind of on-going stalemate. We decided (at the last point where we were unable to decide) that we would each progress the idea we wanted - so I have been looking at houses, he has been progressing the extension. The crunch point for the extension comes when we finally have to sign up a builder. At the moment we don't have a very clear idea of the costs so it is quite hard to factor that part of it into the equation - but its not a deal breaker I don't think.

It is interesting what you say about 'what is in the best interests of the family' - maybe that is an angle to take the personal positioning out of it a bit. And I think you are right that it has become a bit of an entrenched power struggle about who is going to 'win'. Problem is we probably have different views about the children's interests- and I know we have different views about how disruptive each option will be !

The most difficult thing is that there isn't a clearly great option - all choices have significant downsides - and that is why its hard to agree.

Mediation would be great but who would do it? And I think our friends are bored silly by this topic tbh.....

You could try Relate perhaps ...... after all these days they tend to advetise themselves as "relationship counsellors" as opposed to marriage guidance.

I should have thought the power struggle issue would be good enough reason to get you there. After all, you don't want (either of you) to end up in a place where one person feels hard done by, or even the person who "won" ending up feeling "guilty" about it, if that makes sense. That could destroy you - and it's better you go to Relate now before that happens !

I wouldn't even remotely consider friends as potential mediators, oh no ...... can you imagine, what a responsibility to put on them !