Problem with dad's partner

[Allinson2014]

Firstly I'm a newish poster and not sure if this is in the correct section,apologies if it should be somewhere else.

I've been facebook friends with my dad and his partner for years although we have little contact in real life, just for birthdays, Christmas etc. Recently his partner seems to have gone a bit strange and is posting probably 30 or 40 updates a day. She also started writing innuendos about my dad stripping etc (he's 60 years old and it wasn't an imagine I really wanted!). So I hid her from my timeline. This stopped her updates appearing but she started to get really inappropriate on my facebook too, writing loads of comments that I didn't want anyone else to see so I spent all my time deleting them. In the end I'd had enough and blocked her. She didn't realise for a few weeks but about a month ago she noticed and went mad.

I explained that it was nothing personal and I just couldn't see anything else for the hundreds of posts she put up. I didn't mention the posts that I felt were inappropriate as I didn't want a row or to fall out in real life, I simply didn't want to read all her nonsense or have her be able to leave comments all over my facebook.

She started texting me, saying I had offended her. I apologised and tried explaining again and didn't hear from her again. Then she started getting my dad to ring me, I explained the same to him, which he agreed with and there isn't a problem between myself and my dad.

My dad is 60 next month and I have heard from my brother that she won't go if I am going. I spoke to my dad and said I don't want to cause problems so I won't go and I'd see him another time but he said I've done nothing wrong and he wants me at his birthday.

Last night my dad came off of facebook and now there is a status on his partners page (DH is still friends with her) that says my dad has had to come off facebook due to his daughter causing trouble.

I realise this sounds incredibly petty. Basically I don't want to fall out with anyone but I simply don't want to read her nonsense so I took her off. She doesn't seem to understand or accept this and is making it into a big deal when it's really not. It's my dad's birthday soon and I don't know how it's going to work without there being some trouble, from her, certainly not from me. I wish she could understand that facebook isn't real life.

I probably should say I'm 6 weeks from giving birth and have had a difficult pregnancy. It's stressful and quite frankly I've other things to worry about than this. I'm not sure how to make it any better though.

Sorry it's so long.

Go along to your Dad's birthday. Wish him well. If his partner wants to make a big deal of it ... and I'm assuming she's a similar age to your Dad? ... then she's got major insecurity problems which are entirely hers to resolve. I note he didn't leap to defend her about the Facebook thing which suggests he also thinks she's a bit of a loon.

You can't change her behaviour but you can side-step it, ignore it and refuse to be bullied.

Thank you. She's a bit younger than my dad but older than me and definitely old enough to know better! I'll be going to my dad's birthday, I'm just so sad she making such a drama and my aunties etc can see what she's writing. Hopefully they will realise she is bonkers eventually. Thanks.

Facebook users really crack me up. There was a women stabbed to death in Florida last week about some silly comment on Facebook. You could have avoided her updates by using Facebook in the morning when Jeremy Kyle Show is on. Read a book called The Games People Play by Eric Berne. It will help understand her behaviour and yours.

The main thing is that your Dad realises she's a trouble-maker. If he was waving you away or minimising her behaviour then you'd have serious problems. But if he's supporting you and ignoring her then I'd have thought she's got a limited shelf-life

As its so public then you won't be the only one annoyed by her. Go to your dad's birthday, if she wants to make an exhibition of herself then she can but everybody will know why you blocked her & you will have more support than you realise.

Her friends who only get to see what she writes & not your side, don't matter as you don't know them.

She sounds very childish and immature. Go to your dad's party.

Thirty mindlessly dull updates a day and inappropriate comments on people's walls is pretty adolescent behaviour from a woman her age. Dear me. It also explains why she can't have an adult conversation about why you find it irritating: she just doesn't get why it is inappropriate and unwelcome.

She sounds very upset by your 'rejection' of her. If she has a bawdy sense of humour and is keen to be liked (as suggested by all of her updates and overreaction to being unfriended), she may not ever be able to understand why you were uncomfortable or why she has been unfriended by you.

As a half way olive branch, you could offer to add her again but continue to block her updates and insist that she posts nothing on your wall that could be embarrassing. You can also block her from posting on your wall, if need be.

Hope you go to your DF's party. His DP sounds nuts like hard work.

Towards the end of any pregnancy, difficult or not, it makes sense to start cutting down on things that take up too much time or stress you out. After your DF's party it will be quite natural for you to claim tiredness and just stay away from her.

And get DH to block her too or you aren't really avoiding all the FB drama are you?

You don't have to do the dance, in about 6 weeks she'll be so far down your priority list she'll drop off.
It's a bit shit your dad supported you to your face and then didn't in public but whatever.

If she is immature, insecure and determined to be childish then treat her like one 'It's a shame you have taken offence when I've explained none was intended' 'It's a shame you don't feel you can play nicely enjoy dad's birthday with me, I don't feel that way' - just non committal false apologies and refuse to be drawn. She can mither and mutter darkly in her corner with her friends - shouldn't make a blind bit of difference to you that she's showing herself up. Don't engage with teen strops or tantrums, stay polite and friendly in person and don't reply to any text/email/pm that isn't civil adult communication.
That's what I'd do.
I would draw my boundaries very, very clearly now and enforce them until she understands she will get no response to bad behaviour.
I would do it firmly and fast before she starts dicking around for some kind of half assed power play around the baby.
I wouldn't get into ultimatum territory because she shouldn't be that important to you, if she is looking to get the ground work in for your dad having to snub you then leaving your side utterly open will show it's all about her.
Concentrate on your little family at home, breeze through his birthday and then put her out of your mind. Your dad doesn't seem to be expecting you to listen to his moans or partake in any tit for tat so follow his lead and rise above.
Good luck with the last leg of your pregnancy.

A different perspective here. Do you think that this might have something to do with your pregnancy? Is she perhaps seeing the baby as some kind of competition for your dad's affections? Its VERY odd and selfish behaviour from her.

I'm actually really uneasy about anyone behaving this way towards a woman in the final stages of pregnancy (a hard enough time without all this rubbish.) You just don't do it, if you have any shred of decency. She should be supporting you, or staying out of it. But crappy texts and FB stuff is just wrong.

I would ignore.

when you say 'gone a bit strange' - do you think alcohol might be involved? could she be drinking to excess which could explain some of this>

Sort of. They are both bus drivers so don't drink on work days but most of the problems occur when they're off work and they most definitely are drunk then.

Thank you everyone for your messages. I haven't had chance to reply much but I have read them all. Glad to see I'm not going mad and she is in fact behaving like a selfish idiot.

Go to the birthday. Don't let her ease you out. That may sound a bit over the top but you really don't want the pattern of you staying away because your DF's partner is being unreasonable, to become entrenched.

A bit of an update. A few days ago my dad rang me to try and sort it out. We had a chat and agreed that his partner was overreacting and he was going to have a word with her. This morning my sister rang me to say my dad had telephoned her saying that he had asked me to phone his partner (he definitely hadn't) and I didn't want to sort things out!

I have tried to sort things out with her weeks ago but she just sent me an abusive text and as far as I was concerned when I spoke to my dad a few days ago things were sorted there too.

So they're clearly playing games. I'm going to his birthday of course but I really am not going to get involved in all their drama anymore. I've text him this morning saying I've spoken to my sister and as far as I am concerned to sorted out. They need to get over it and move on. My sister has also done the same. My DH has taken himself off her facebook too which might make things worse but at least he won't have to read her drama too.