deteriorating relationship with exh

[ptsdhelp]

I am at the end of my tether. I am emotionally drained and exhausted with dealing with this man. Divorced him 2 years ago after 18 years. Lately he has been impossible... coincides with him meeting a new partner... who in his words has issues with ex wives and children! I was relieved that he'dmet someone as I thought he would move on. But he hasn't
His latest tonne of bulshit is to say its my legal responsibility to sort out the school holidays.that he doesn't have to have the children. Then moans that I sort out the arrangements. He describes his contact with the kids as a massive favour to me to allow me to work ,(I don't need him for this purpose). He works abroad for months on end leaving me to sort everything... I don't care actually love it when he's away... but he refuses to help out when he's back. Says its not his responsibility. Now his views are the total opposite of what they were before the new partner. He is insulting, rude, thoughtless, plain horrible.... I literally don't know what to do with him. ... can anyone suggest a way forward...sseveral friends have said that he is being so awkward and horrible as payback for the divorce and I think they have a point. He constantly says things like well u wanted this now deal with it.... I have to pay maintenance so u can afford to live in the house(not true).... this is having a very damaging effect now and I've had enough....

How old are your children?

I would suggest you cut down all communication as much as possible - keep it just to contact. Do you have a court order on contact?

Try to remember contact is supposed to be for the benefit of the children.

Yes it is unfair that he can just drop them when it suits him. But try to get past that. Long term they will know that he is not someone they can rely on.

Exactly what can be advised depends on the age of the children. But I would definitely keep a diary of when contact is arranged and when it happens. Go ahead and organise the holidays if he will not be pinned down, then he may have to miss some contact because they would rather do something else or it can't be cancelled.

I second keeping a diary. Write down contact, what happens, what he says to you, any thing the kids repeat to you after contact. It is his responsibility to maintain contact not yours. And contact is meant to benefit the kids not him.

When/if he splits up with his new girlfriend he will no doubt change his tune, therefore your evidence will prove it was him that reduced contact not yourself. Was the contact court ordered?

Try and communicate via email and text. Keep all correspondence.

If you can manage childcare in the hols, weekend etc then send a text saying that following him saying it is your responsibility to sort childcare in the hols you have sorted it.
It sounds like he is trying to show you are unreasonable, only living in your house because of his maintenance etc. this may be due to the new relationship. Disengage, ensure you sort out your own childcare and write everything down!

Writing stuff down will ensure you know you did your best and if in future he accuses you of damaging his relationship with the kids you can re-read your notes.

You cannot change the way he is. Let him be it's his loss.

I would suggest you stop communicating with him completely and get yourself legal representation. There's no need to subject yourself to insulting and abusive behaviour. 'Talk to my solicitor' is the way forward... let him try to bully one of those. If contact with the DCs wasn't agreed in the original divorce, then it's time to put one in place. If it was agreed and he's messing about, he needs a reminder.

Sounds like a lot of this is coming from the new partner, which is not your concern as such but it means he is putting her above his children.

Firstly stop talking to him verbally. If he phones you then he can plan the conversation & you are wrongfooted at every turn & can be flustered by him. Don't even text him. Tell him you want all further contact to be by email. (You then also have a record of his behaviour that shouldn't accidentally be deleted).

If the children are suffering from the on & off contact then decide if his visits are of benefit to them. If they are old enough ask them if they enjoy seeing him. Do you want him to continue to be a presence in their lives? (barring an access agreement from the divorce obv).

I think its admirable to try to be fair with access & the sharing of the children, but it sounds as if there's no sharing going on & you are doing all the work meaning he has a way of controlling you. This doesn't work for you any more.

You no longer have to deal with this. Can you afford a solicitor? Then every time he contacts you just say 'speak with my solicitor'. Then he can't punish you for divorcing him as all the emotion & nastiness is taken away from your point of view.

Thank you. The kids are 10 and 7 and are largely unaware of the nastiness. Tho I don't lie to them. If they ask what is going on I explain it in as nice a way as possible. We don't have a court order and nor do I want that. I cant trust him not to put the kids thru it and they will not understand what is being asked of them. I have previously cut verbal contact but he fails to communicate even by email. I will start a diary and back date it to what I can remember. I keep all emails.
I don't want him to cut contact with the kids. Not because I give a crap about him but because the kids would be very hurt. They don't know what's going on and I wouldn't expose them to it. They love seeing their dad. Tho interestingly they recently said they don't want to sleep at his midweek. So that stopped last year. They also say they don't want to be away from me more
than a couple of days. My youngest was ill recently and asked to stay with me. The three of us are very close... and this increases every time he goes away. I am worried for them as I know he's going to let them down...seeing them less, being away more, not really active in their daily routine etc.... I'm rambling now!

The kids don't want to spend time with him. If anything hurts children it's inconsistent behaviour from the adults in their life. They don't have to hear the nasty stuff to know that Dad has them very low down in their priorities and sees them as a PITA. A contact order would set out something stable, regular and predictable that could be enforced legally if necessary. I don't even thing they'd be involved in the process directly as they are under 14. Surely that would be better for them than this uncertainty?

In the very distant past my Mum had to go to court with me as my Dad was challenging custody (as a power play). I even went into court apparently, and was asked questions - I was 3!

My memories of that are actually quite pleasant. It was not traumatic, it was quite nice that someone actually talked to me - I spent a lot of time at that time waiting with my Mum for various bits of bureaucracy. The situation nowadays is much more child friendly. At the most one person might talk to them, children do have opinions, admittedly they are likely to answer in the here and now and not with a view to the long term. But most professionals will fully understand that.

Contact is supposed to be for the sake of the children, getting it sorted properly should also be done for their sakes; because it doesn't sound as if it is right now.