Why do I want to be in a relationship ALL the time?

[MoonshineWashingLine]

Split from abusive ex-p nearly 2 months ago and already feeling that need to find someone...

Since I was 16 I have not been single for very long, maybe ten months tops, but I still had the odd fling in that time. One relationship has seemed to move in to another very quickly every time. But now I'm a single parent I am worried that finding someone is going to be much harder. Even though I know I should be single for a while I keep wanting someone... Its not that I don't enjoy my time to myself, I just enjoy sharing life with another.

I know I should take things as they come but I seem to be rather impatient :/ I have a hobby that I enjoy but it doesn't get me out of the house and I work in a very female dominated job so I can't see myself meeting anyone any time soon.

I am nearly 30 now by the way...

Not quite sure what you're asking TBH - your thread title says 'why do I want to be in a r'ship' but your post says 'I just do - so how do I find someone?'

Why not make 30 the age at which you paused, took stock, and got to know yourself as a single person, not defined by her man?

I think that's just what you are like! Obviously there's nothing wrong in being single but it doesn't suit you. That's ok.

You're uncomfortable being independent because you're insecure. You say you enjoy sharing life with another and that's fair enough but if your desperation to be with a partner gets too strong and your judgement is impaired you'll end up being spotted by more people like the abusive ex who see you as an easy target. Have you grown up being given messages that single women are inadequate/failures or that women need a man in order to be 'complete'?

Agree with Walkacrossthesand that maybe you should shake your life up a little, find ways to socialise outside the home and work out who you actually are as a person. Put a moratorium on dating but give yourself an objective to try new things, meet new people etc. Boost your confidence and strengthen your self-esteem. Also take some time to learn from the abusive ex experience... maybe the Freedom Programme?

I think there is nothing wrong in wanting a relationship. It only becomes a problem if it means you get involved with unsuitable men because being in a relationship is so important to you. As long as you're picky and don't put up with being treated badly. I also think as a parent you need to make sure you take your time getting to properly know someone before introducing them to your children as your new partner.

I don't think I grew up seeing women defined by men, if anything I grew up seeing all the relationships in my family end in divorce, literally every family member, parents both divorced twice,uncles, aunts the lot! The only ones who didn't were g.parents and most of them have passed on now.
Maybe I am determined not to turn in to my mum, she seems to think men are useless, unnecessary creatures...
But I know I should take the time to get to know myself but as soon as I get the faintest whiff of a possible partner I seem to jump in head first. I play it cool in order to not scare off potential new partner but inside I just get consumed by it all! I do my own head in!

I don't put up with being treated badly though, I have only ever been treated badly by my last partner... and I am fairly picky when it comes to men so I guess that's a good thing :)

Sounds like your mum is using men as an excuse to cover up the bad choices she made. Sounds like you missed a proper father figure around growing and you are seeking that now. It rear but possible that you follow a different script in life but the odds are stacked against you because the apple never falls far from the tree.

Hmm I beg to differ, gering! My mum and are very different when it comes to men, I think I had more boyfriend's in 2009 than she has done in her entire life!

Glad to know its not just me broken :)

I think it's natural for most people to want to be in a relationship. We are a social species who gravitate towards others, and our current social norm is the pair bond. There is nothing needy about wanting that.

But it becomes a problem if you allow yourself to be defined by the pursuit of it or end up being mistreated due to fear of being alone.

What are you like in relationships? When you say you get all consumed by it, what exactly do you mean?

Pop psychology alert, but have you considered that your need to be in a relationship may be due to an subconscious desire to replay and fix your childhood by having a happy, functional relationship - therefore meaning that time you are spending single is "wasted?" A counsellor could help with that.

I think once I'm in a relationship with someone (and have been for a while) then I calm down quite a lot. Its always the 'looking for something' and 'will it happen? Is it happening? Does he like me?' phases that I seem to obsess over.
I do want a good father figure for my dd, my father is great but lived far away and I had an awful step father so I would never put my own dd through that, which means there's even more criteria for a potential partner to meet now! I'm not sure if that's the reason I think about it so much though. I do sometimes think finding a good man is going to be like finding a needle in a haystack...

I was exactly the same as you. Never been single for longer than a few weeks since I was 18. I'm now 39... ex left last summer.

And you know what? I'm really enjoying the time on my own. I feel like I'm me again and I can do anything!

I love being in control of the house, finances etc.

I have recently been thinking I might like to start dating again but haven't put much effort into it. If I meet someone, I doubt I'd want to live with them for a verrrrry long time!

You sound similar to me this way. Just come out of a very destructive relationship. Got pregnant early into seeing him. (this was straight after i split up with another and he had also. In my mind it was a rebound that lasted far too long. my fault)
I've been in consecutive relationships since age 15. I've always found an excuse to be. Now I am only 21 now but i do not want to be like this my whole life. I believe for me it's part down to enjoying intimate company and intimate company of a sexual nature. I don't like one night stands. So that's been my reason. But i want to set my daughter a good example of someone strong, capable and comfortable in their own skin. Something I am not. But i want to be. So have been doing much soul searching. Was a comfort to see this. Thank you for sharing. I wish you all the best.

I think it's natural for most people to want to be in a relationship. We are a social species who gravitate towards others, and our current social norm is the pair bond. There is nothing needy about wanting that.

I agree with you PoundingTheStreets .
Many people have different social circumstances to me. But I think mine may be quite common.
Not a very community orientated environment.
Small family. Not much support. And personally I have very few friends since becoming pregnant.

People crave people. In ways other than relationships. It is easier to find one person. Than it is a dozen or so to fill the need for human contact/communication.

I feel I am missing a vast network of friends which would be ideal.
That is a big part of my issues with being alone. I find it very difficult to make friends. Since i can't make up my mind on who I am.

Help - I agree. I am in a relationship at the moment, but was single for many years. I never felt lonely during those years but that was because I had an excellent network of friends.

I love my DP enormously. I can't think of anything to criticise him over because he is such a thoroughly lovely and decent individual. I frequently feel incredibly lucky that good timing has resulted in us meeting and getting together, and I feel privileged to have him in my life.

Despite that, if I had to make a choice between him OR a good network of friends, I would choose the latter because the latter can, by nature of their diversity, fulfil all my relationship/emotional needs bar sex. My DP can only fulfil part of them. It is demanding far too much of one person to expect them to fulfil them all. Personally, I find it much easier to forego sex than I do a rich and fulfilled emotional and social life and know that I would be far happier as a single person with a rich, fulfilled life than I would a coupled person with no friends.

Fortunately, I don't have to choose. And the point of that rambling was to say I totally agree with you about the importance of human relationships and specifically the importance of friends. I feel it is something women are encouraged to give up or sideline when they have families yet to my mind this is the time they actually need it the most. The lack of friendship support, combined with the demands of family life and the fact that no DH/DP is capable of being their partner's 'all' is what leads to so many relationship breakdowns IMO.

I agree, that's pretty much why my relationship with ex-p failed (aside from ex's abuse) he would always want us to do everything together and any time off that we both had I was expected to spend with him. That left very little time for friends and if I did go to see friends he wouldn't be happy about it! He put me on some kind of pedestal (and still does) and it totally ruined everything.

Another ex from a long time ago was the exact opposite and always went out without me! Surely there must be a happy medium out there somewhere?

There will be. But first you have to be centered on yourself to become more stable. Then you will attract a stable, like-minded personality.

That's just the advice I give myself of course. I know in my very core it's true for me. But we don't always take our own advice :/

My current gives me all the space i need and want. So to me that is enabling me to stay in the relationship when I know I'd be better off in the long run learning to be on my own.

You sound very like a close friend of mine (brilliant, wonderful woman, but whenever she's single she is obsessed with finding a new man, and as soon as she does, he is 'the one', love of her life, they're getting married, babies, moving in straight away etc, despite endless red flags)

In her case, it is partly because the 'chase' is so exciting and full of possibilities that it allows her to ignore all the other issues in her life which actually require attention. She subconsciously thinks that, if she can just find the right man, all the other problems in her life will magically fix themselves and everything will be perfect. 'New love' is very intoxicating and an all-consuming pursuit. Then when she has found a man, there are usually so many dramas and emotions that she can still wrap herself up in it and not worry about anything else.

I think she would be happier (and have more satisfying relationships) if she concentrated some of the other areas of her life first and made herself a bit more secure in her own skin. (I do try to gently suggest this, but she's my friend so I just love her anyway :) )