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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please convince me I'm not a psycho

20 replies

BrassMonk · 28/04/2014 20:29

Today, after an argument with dp, I phoned the woman I had caught him Sexting on two occasions. She admitted to me what they had done, including 'sexual contact' a year and a half ago which dp had claimed happened before we got together. I have moved to my mums, but I have left a lot of belongings in our flat.

When I phoned him to tell him that I had spoken to her, he went mental. They are both police officers and work on the same shift. He claims that he will not get pulled in by his sergeant and get in to heaps of trouble because she will report me for harassing her. I was very calm on the phone, I didn't shout or swear, said I didn't blame her and wasn't angry with her, and accepted her apology. So I don't see why she would say anything.

Do you think he will really get in trouble?

OP posts:

Cupid5tunt · 28/04/2014 20:30

Who gives a flying fuck if he does?

Sorry just putting that out there. He sounds like an arsehole.

Cupid5tunt · 28/04/2014 20:35

And I also doubt she'll go telling tales to their boss as she would also have to admit she was playing fast and loose where her moral are concerned with a colleague and a man in a relationship.

Don't doubt for one second he'll tell you he got his ass hauled in to try and make you feel guilty though.

Vivacia · 28/04/2014 20:37

I can't believe that he dare blame you for the repercussions of his behaviour.

DippyDooDahDay · 28/04/2014 20:39

He is totally responsible op, he is just trying to deflect attention off his actions. No you are not a psycho, you sound very, a bit too perhaps, reasonable. Stand your ground op

Original poster

BrassMonk · 28/04/2014 20:41

She doesn't seem as bothered about looking like an idiot as you might think. According to her (and I do believe her) it's a running joke amongst their shift about whether or not we are together that day. As far as I was aware, we have always been together for the last four years

OP posts:

Cupid5tunt · 28/04/2014 20:47

OP he sounds horrible and he has clearly been telling his work colleague a lot of lies. I'm guessing that's what has made him more angry. She will now probably go back and tell the others and he fears that he will look like the nasty, lying cheat that he really is.

DippyDooDahDay · 28/04/2014 20:47

I have a colleague like this. He goes to constant lengths to make out how disatisfactory his marriage is..but with his dw is the model of family harmony. In the meantime, he makes his 'availability' well known. Does not sound great op.

sillymillyb · 28/04/2014 20:50

God this sounds familiar!!

To cut a long story short, I found out my ex (a copper) was having an affair with a work colleague - and had had a previous affair with another one. I contacted them both, and also told his superiors as he had also been shagging escorts what a catch eh?

I was no way as calm as you - and I caused a right old stink, but they did caution me with harassment, but when they come to the house and warn you rather than the arresting kind.

I really hope you are ok, you must of had an awful shock. You really aren't psycho, he is just trying to discredit you so he doesn't look as bad.

Original poster

BrassMonk · 28/04/2014 20:51

Thank you for your replies, especially Cupid. I know you are right but it's hard to just stop caring. I knew we weren't happy and I suspected he had cheated, but I guess I didn't really believe it until she confirmed it on the phone to me. She also offered to confirm or deny anything else I might think of, which was nice. Had the cheek to tell me about how much she was hurt when she was cheated on by a previous partner though think she would know better.

OP posts:

Cupid5tunt · 28/04/2014 20:57

I know it's hard to stop caring. We are human and you have 4 years with this man but honestly you are giving him more courtesy and compassion than he deserves.

It's a terrible thing to find out someone has cheated, there are so many emotions that run through you. What you need to remember is you are worth more, he isn't worth one more second of your time.

I wouldn't waste an awful lot of time bothering about this woman either. She has answered what you need to know and IMHO she isn't much better.

I know it's always tempting to try again and it's entirely your choice but IMO and from experience cheaters don't stop cheating, they either get better at hiding it or once you've forgiven them they stop trying to hide it because the assume you'll gloss over your suspicions either way.

What are you thoughts and feelings on this at the moment?

Ledkr · 28/04/2014 21:02

I hate to say it but I think it goes on a lot in copper land.
My dh is one and I hear about it a fair bit.
I live in hope I've got one of the good ones and he values his testicles

Original poster

BrassMonk · 28/04/2014 21:04

Cupid, What you are saying about getting better at hiding it and then getting complacent certainly rings true. There was a gap of six months between the two Sexting episodes, and I don't know if there was more in between and he just let his guard down because we were getting on great and he didn't think I would still be checking up on him. I think I need to LTB but it's just so hard. And obviously I've now had to involve my family because I had to move back home.

sillymilly what did you do that amounted to harassment? I sent one text that said 'this is brass, xx girlfriend. He is not telling me the truth about what happened between you. Can you please fill in the blanks?' She responded asking me to phone her, which I then did. We had a ten minute conversation with no shouting or swearing and I was overly polite because I was worried about this happening.

OP posts:

DippyDooDahDay · 28/04/2014 21:07

Op what you outlined is NOT harassment! Rest assured

Cupid5tunt · 28/04/2014 21:12

Do you own your property that you shared? I'm presuming there are no DC?

I think you need to LTB too but like I said it's only your opinions that matter on this. Nobody deserves to be treated the way he has treated you.

Your text is absolutely not going to be classed as harassment, besides from anything else she asked you to ring her and you did. Leave it at that though, get rid of her phone number so you are never tempted.

I really feel for you OP I've was there 7 years ago with my ex boyfriend. I was only 18 and living with him and I feel for a whole load of the same old shit for a long time. It's heartbreaking but you will come out the other side.

I agree it seems to be quite common in the forces unfortunately.

sillymillyb · 28/04/2014 21:22

I really don't think you need to worry Brass - I didn't mean to worry you, I was just taken aback by the similarities in our situations.

I hold my hands up when I say what I did was not my finest moment and I was rightly spoken to - in my defense I was pregnant at the time and really wasn't thinking straight. Basically though I contacted both of the ow and their partners by facebook and sent messages saying they had wrecked our family and I hoped they were proud. After this was when his Sargent came to the house and warned me.

I was actually later arrested, but having spoken to a solicitor about it, I should never have been - but what I did to warrant that was reply to a text he had sent me (ironically I was telling him never to contact me again!) and I returned his mail (I had a flurry of mail addressed to him and the ow but sent to my house) with a message on telling him to please stop having his mail delivered to my house as it only reminded me what a lying coward he was.

I was out of order- you haven't been, you really don't need to worry, but don't take this any further. Keep your head held high and your self respect, I wish I had acted that way.

Original poster

BrassMonk · 28/04/2014 21:32

cupid don't own the house. We rent from his brother, which is bad in that I have no right to stay there but good in that we have no lease so good luck getting rent from me haha. No Dc, my sister directed me here having had good advice in the past
silly thanks for the reassurance. It just caught me off guard when I phoned him to tell him I had spoken to her and knew the truth, and all he said was that I had taken it too far, that he was going to get hauled in front of his sergeant and that I was going to get done for harassment. No apology, no explanation for his actions.

And I think you are both right re not contacting her again. She asked me if I wanted her to contact me if he tried anything again, and i just said that was up to her. Tbh I hope she doesn't. I don't want to know

OP posts:

Cupid5tunt · 28/04/2014 21:47

Well that's good, it puts you in a good position for leaving. Do you have shared bank accounts? If you do ring the banks and get a stop put on the accounts and make plans to divide any shared money ASAP.

With regards to not wanting to hear any more from her would you consider changing your phone number?

You sound like you have a good family behind you for support and you also have here. I always view this as my safe place, it's somewhere to say everything and anything that sometimes I wouldn't want to tell my closest family. It is also (for the most part) impartial because the people responding do not know you personally or the other in your life. Over the last 3 years I have also built up strong friendships on these boards and there are certain women I have never even met and yet could quite easily message or pick up the phone to them in a crisis and I know they will help me through it and them with me too. Your sister advised you well

The next few days/weeks/months are going to be the hardest so keep posting and confiding in your family. You will have moment of doubt, anger, sadness etc and at the moment you need to surround yourself with people who have your best interest at heart.

Original poster

BrassMonk · 28/04/2014 21:53

No shared bank accounts exactly, just a bill paying account. I can stop my contribution to that online and tbh I'm happy to write off the amount that is in there, won't be much at this time of the month anyway. I don't think she will message me again, I think she probably loves the drama of it all, but he won't want her to and after he speaks to her at work on Thursday I'd be surprised if I heard anything from her.

Thank you for all your kind words Cupid. You have really helped me to get some perspective on this. Xx

OP posts:

MiniatureRailway · 28/04/2014 21:54

You acted fairly reasonably I think op. If he gets called in, he gets called in. If he had been conducting himself professionally, this wouldn't have happened.

What is it with policemen and cheating? I know two going through divorces at the moment for this reason

Cupid5tunt · 28/04/2014 21:58

You are very welcome, it can't be an easy time. x

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