I have just cut my dad out of my life. Can you support me?

[Pleasedontstopthereading]

I adored my dad as a child but in retrospect he and my mum behaved horrifically to me. I won't go into it as today is about looking forward, not back. Suffice to say I was verbally abused regularly and called absolutely vile names by the pair of them. This was juxtaposed against behaviour where they'd cuddle me and say how much they loved me. I now realise this has warped my idea of what love is.

My mum died when I was 16. Dad left not long afterwards and he moved in with another woman, she hated my brother and I and refused to have anything to do with us. During this time out contact with him was minimal. He left her when I was 26 and in the nine years in between failed to notice I had grown up.

He does things like: gives you money and then has a go at you for "needing it" even though I ask him not to, as I know it'll be the subject of rows in the future. He lives with another woman now but completely compartmentalises me: he will come to see me in school holidays (I am a teacher) but at any other times will not and I am not welcome there (he has a new partner.) For example, at Christmas, he and his partner have her family around but not my brother or I - we're just not invited.

He basically uses money to control me and my brother and he normalises his behaviour by telling us - not asking us - what will happen.

I've had another row with him about money and sent an email to him saying I loved him and I did believe in his own way he loved me. But that any sort of relationship was really out of the question. I said a lot more but I was nice, as it is possible to be.

I feel sad but mainly relief that I don't have his ghost over my shoulder. I feel free for the first time in my life as I am now only answerable to me x

I feel sad but mainly relief that I don't have his ghost over my shoulder. I feel free for the first time in my life as I am now only answerable to me

I can totally relate to this as I cut my mother out of my life last year and felt the exact same thing. Be kind to yourself whilst you're going through this. I went through what I can only describe as a grieving process, where I was grieving the loss of my relationship with my mother and the loss of the relationship that I never had with her. Do you have anyone in RL who can support you through it?

Also well done for tackling the situation head on and doing what is best for you, it's a brave thing to do. It was something I had thought about for years before I actually plucked up the courage and did.

Some and and for you.

Same, Mojito - it has taken years to get to this point, I am so sorry you are, though. It's never a pleasant thing to go through - I think the love we have for our parents is nearly as strong in some ways as the love parents have for children. It's instinctive, primal almost, and to go against that is like fighting nature.

I remember sometimes reading stories on here and I think when LTB or LTP is trotted out people forget how powerful love is and for years I deflected it, I assumed that if I was being treated badly it was because I was a bad person. I'm not, although I have made mistakes, bad mistakes.

I do still love my dad, but being in his presence diminishes me hugely as a person. It's too complicated to go into, but I've come to realise apart we can hopefully both be nice people!

Can I suggest that you have a read of the book called "Please understand me 2".

Well done for being a teacher !

Now please go date and find a partner.

I think if you read this book, I hope that everything will fall into place for you. Good luck.

I cut my dad out at 21, 13 years ago now.
Got so fed up of people telling me "yeh, but you only get one dad". I decided I'd had 21 years of that dad and he did some unforgivable things to me and my mum. So I moved on.
Grieved for him for a while but now realise it was a good decision.
Good luck OP

for you and hugs x

I have a troubled relationship with my 'D'F. I'm minimal contact, mostly because I don't bother to contact him any more. I've not had Xmas with him since I was a child, and wasn't invited to his 2 (!) weddings, among other things.

Maisie , good book recommendation.

15 years since last contact for me. We had money manipulation too. I have no regrets whatsoever. I agree with you - I felt and still feel FREE! I have never not once missed the relationship. Not even for a split second. I hope you get to that point too. Being controlled by money sucks.

My dad used to reject me, but then twist the story so it would look like I was rejecting him so he can moan and groan about what a crappy daughter he has. What a freak.

I went NC with my step-mother nearly 2 years ago now. I felt free as well. (Father died over 10 years ago). I could finally stop worrying about having to please everybody (who never thought about how their actions had affected me when I was a samll child and was just expected to accept and move on). All going swimmingly until SM decided to play the martyr and now I have paternal grandfather using emotional and financial blackmail. It's now tainted the lovely relationship I had with him, I can't win and none of it was EVER of my making. I have my own children now and have no intention of subjecting them to the second class citizenship or emotional blackmail that has been so prevalent in my upbringing (and I'm 40 this year)!

Good luck.

Loads of sympathy and hugs/hand holding. I'm very low contact with both parents- not considering NC yet but maybe one day. It absolutely is a grieving process - it's not like flicking a switch. You may have good days and really crap days - that's totally normal. Go with it. As another poster said, be kind to yourself - this is a hugely sad thing to have to deal with. I'm really glad you feel you've made the right decision and that it feels freeing