Am I just not used to normal dating or am I over thinking ?

[atoragetsyouwarmer]

Regular poster and 4 years out of an EA relationship.
I met bf online at beginning of Jan. He works away 3 weeks on and three off. We have met up for dates once or twice weekly when he is off ,mainly drinks/meals out and more recently I have stayed overnight at his. He lives alone ,about an hour from me, and has his young dc 50% of his off duty time. He also has close family and lots of friends/sports etc to catch up with when he is home. I have 4 dc and work ft,so arranging time is not easy.Although I admit that my social life is not very busy ,due to dc ,work and lack of opportunity.

All seems easy going and lovely. I enjoy his company and we text or email,sometimes chat on the phone,when not seeing each other.
During the holidays,we took our youngest dc out for a picnic,and it went well.Although we didn't have a discussion about this, we were both completely un-couply during this outing,only pecking on the cheek at the end,and being completely child focussed all day. I told my dc he was a friend,and he introduced me to his in the same way.

We have both been married twice before, I have been divorced over ten years,and his last marriage ended 5 years ago.His ex has remarried.
I think we are both quite shy,it takes us a while to warm up and relax when we meet up,although,we don't really meet up that often. We haven't been able to meet since the picnic,and probably won't get a chance until next weekend.We both have to rush off to collect or get back to dc ,when we do meet.We share views and values about dc and both have amicable relationships with exes.

So, we have never had a chat about our relationship. I am not sure if I would know what to say,or how,or even if I want to disrupt what is currently a very enjoyable break for me in a busy and stressful life.I am worried i might sound too intense or needy.
I haven't picked up any red flags so far ,but I have become very aware that past relationships were either too intense,too fast and then EA,or with men who were emotionally unavailable. I have had plenty of time to work on my own stuff and have had counselling and felt ready to date ,deciding that I wanted a grown up relationship which would build slowly over time. I have lurked and posted on here for years and feel pretty confident …in theory..

The trouble is,I have started to wonder where this might go,and how. The enjoyable times we have had,and the picnic,have made me realise how much I would like a partner one day . I wouldn't consider a live in relationship while my dc are young,maybe never,but I would like to be there for someone,and to know that they were there for me,too.To be able to plan ahead and include them in plans and ideas.I don't believe in soul mates ,but I would like to be in love,and to know that I was loved.

Emotional intimacy is something I don't think I have ever really had ,and that is what made me vulnerable to abusers and to overlooking my own needs.
This man makes me excited and happy. Sex is fantastic.We laugh and it is really easy going.He seems kind and thoughtful.He rings when he says he will, is considerate and seems interested in my life.
But neither of us have had a conversation about what we want.Maybe it is way too soon,maybe I am over thinking and need to relax and enjoy the way this develops - or doesn't . It would not be easy for either of us to find more time for each other at the moment,yet I find myself thinking about him when we are apart,and wishing we could be together more often. I have no idea if he feels the same. I am avoiding asking in case he sees this/us, as a dating set up and no more,and ,although I don't think I would be put off by that at this stage,because it feels good as it is…I have started to think about this when we part.I have started to feel anxious about when we might meet up again,and to feel unsettled until a date has been agreed.

We did both agree that we would not be dating anyone else some time ago,and I have met his friends and his xw when we have been out in town together.But he can't come to my house as it is very small and my dc are always with me.When I go to his,my eldest babysits my youngest.I guess I do feel that I need to value what I have and not think too much about what I wish I had…and yet..

Do you think I should discuss this with him,and if so - what exactly am I asking,and how do I say it ?!

It seems like you are enjoying the relationship, apart from your anxiety about this. I personally would think it was a bit soon to be having 'the talk' before about the six month mark. Maybe at that point introduce it quite casually? 'I wondered where you think this is going' or similar? I think maybe you are over-thinking a bit, in a 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it' kind of way :)

Thanks Parsley . It is very early days,particularly given the limited time we can spend getting to know one another. I don't want to spoil a good evening by having what might be an awkward chat.
It is an anxiety for me,but I guess it's one I will have to manage. I think I have been too used to game playing and drama,and not so used to easy going!
I wish we had more time together ,and do find myself wishing he had more time for me - but then,I have exactly the same difficulties in arranging time as he does - except I don't have many friends or hobbies to fit in.And that's due to the dc,who rarely see their fathers for overnight stays. I have too much time to think about him,I think.

When you are used to game playing, it's harder to believe things are straightforward, I think. Also, relationships become much more difficult logistically when everyone's got dc's. That should become easier as they all get older. I think you need a hobby :)

I think you are really over thinking this, it sounds lovely, good friends, enjoying each other's company, meeting his children - what more do you want? . You admit that you don't want to live with him, you have discussed 'exclusivity'.

So what exactly do you want to discuss?

Enjoy what you have, but don't rely on him (or anyone for that matter) to fulfill your life. As uncrushed says, get yourself a hobby so that sometimes you are too 'busy' to see him. Nobody likes a needy girl/boy friend.

I think it's understandable to start to think more deeply about something that you obviously care a lot about. I also think it is understandable to perhaps become anxious as to where a relationship may be heading because it is going so well. That said, it is still quite early days so keep enjoying it. I have been exactly the same in the past but figured if something is meant to be, it will be. Whenever our feelings and emotions are kind out there where someone else is concerned it can feel scary. I doubt anyone would be able to give the security of meaningful love so early in a relationship but I can totally understand where you are coming from.

Thank you,it's so helpful to hear this. I do think my trouble is not having RL friends and distractions to help me step back a bit.
It's true, Parsley , the logistics are complicated,and I am unused to things being straightforward.

Ragwort - I have no idea what I would raise to discuss That's why I have posted,and I'm glad to hear it does sound like over thinking. I actually do have exactly what I was looking for when I joined online dating,so I think I will just go with the flow.

I am also being very careful about checking in with myself ,rather than just going along with something, to think carefully about what I want and put my own needs first. Not something I have done in the past.

can't ,yes,if it is meant to be ,is a good way to think about it. I'm not used to my own "real" emotions - I have learnt a lot through counselling about how I made choices in the past which were about repeating patterns and ended up trying to fix people,or to change myself to fit them. Being consciously aware is hard work ! I really don't want to be needy - I have learnt to meet my own needs,and don't "need" a relationship. But I am discovering that I would like one. That is scary ! But I realise meaningful stuff takes time,and this is still dating,really. We still don't know much about each other.

I am very glad I posted and didn't raise this with him. I don't actually give it any thought when I'm with him,it's stuff that kicks in a few days later.

I need to chill and relax!