Urgent stately homes advice needed - what to tell MIL

[Dirtypaws]

Will be brief. MIL is narc? Borderline? Toxic for sure. We've been kind of NC with me updating via email with the excuse of DH getting treatment for PTSD.

I updated just over a week ago. Now MIL is begging for an update as its killing them and how could we stop them seeing the kids and FIL is old and it's killing him blah fucking blah. I just want to say you should have looked after your own fucking so you witch but I know there's no point?

WWYD just a plain and simple ' we are fine XYZZY' and no little digs, she's a fucking witch.

You should have looked after your own fucking son, that should say. It's got me so angry.

I would ignore any future communiques/demands from them because such people never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. All such e-mails should be blocked, infact no response from you should ever be sent in reply regardless of the mode of communication.

Do not continue to update them in any shape or form; contact from you is seen by them as a reward thus leaving you wide open to being harassed even more. These people are completely incapable of respecting any boundary of behaviour you care to set them.

It's one of two ways - either do not reply at all, or send one short reply:

'All fine here thanks'

However, to wrest a semblance of control back, you might try emailing them stuck-record-style: "I will continue to update you with any significant news as and when there is any. In the meantime I appreciate you taking a back-seat while DH and I try to find a way forward together"

I have done this with my narc/borderline relations. I feel more in control of the situation now...But you MUST stick to what you say and, for instance, not answer the landline or mobile to them.

Do/did they have regular contact with your children? Are the children young enough not to 'know' that they no longer see their GPs?

If they're older you might need to think how you will tackle that, ie no contact at all or very brief contact somewhere neutral and never leave them alone with the PILS.

Don't reply, anything you send will be used to try to reel you back in. Just delete and forget about it.

If you must just reply with kids fine bye.

Are his parents the cause of the PTSD?

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

If she is narc then you don't want your DC anywhere near her anyway surely?

This is a fairly textbook response to going low contact to be honest. In a lot of cases, if you go LC, the NPD in your life will react so strongly to their loss of control that you end up going totally NC.

Usually low contact is just a stepping stone to inevitable NC.

If you really still wish to maintain LC then ignore this bad behaviour from them - you are trying to impose a boundary and they are attempting to steamroller it.

If you are really lucky, if you maintain LC rigorously, they may go NC with you

Thanks chaps. I think it will end in nc eventually. DH is worried about DF as he's old and vulnerable. He's a lovely chap but completely under the thumb and the is an argument that he allowed it all to happen. Yes PTSD caused by childhood although not diagnosed/misdiagnosed as bipolar but that's another story!

Kids are old enough to miss them. We have only just had the realisation of what has really been going on due to a big row with BIL who is even worse and dangerous. We would never allow kids to be alone with MIL or BIL again and FIL is just an extension of all the toxic shit unfortunately. We've recently moved and have managed to side step giving landline out. DH has blocked MILs email and we've blocked their number on mobiles.

Still not quite sure what to do. DH was talking about getting back in contact to keep an eye on FIL. I think there might be some funny business going on there MIL making it look like FIL is loosing his marbles. I'm not sure whether I should show him the email. I know itll set him off again.

Sounds like your DH is still very much in a FOG state which is common to many adult children of such toxic parents - fear, obligation, guilt.

Re this comment:-
"We would never allow kids to be alone with MIL or BIL again and FIL is just an extension of all the toxic shit unfortunately. We've recently moved and have managed to side step giving landline out. DH has blocked MILs email and we've blocked their number on mobiles".

If DH gets back in contact all the progress that has been made will be undone. His father has also allowed this to happen to his son, also women like his mother always but always need a willing enabler to help them. I would not let his father off the hook at all. Your DH does not have to see the e-mail (presumably this was sent to your e-mail address) and no good will come of it; your family's emotional wellbeing as well as his mental health needs protecting first and foremost. No more updates at all on your part to his mother!.

My DP is a from a dysfunctional addict family, my MIL is an alcoholic who is very passive aggressive, gossipy, seriously the most uneducated person I've ever met and in general is a toxic nightmare.

It took ages for DP to see it and now I just have nothing to do with the toxic family members. Unfortunately this also means not having much to do with any family member apart from the ones who, like me, rarely interact with MIL. I just could not be doing with the mental strain of having any kind of relationship with her, she is a narc with a definate personality disorder, and even then I didnt want to because most of his family were never interested in getting to know me as a person, just wanted to drag me into all their drama and only interested in me in the context of being a 'member of their family' (do I HAVE to consider them family??!! :().

Cut them off, tell them you are wanting space alone and dont want any fuss or interference. Or just tell them to fuck right off because you dont want or need toxic cock ups in your life.

I can also never like or get on with my MIL cos of how she royally fucked up my DP and his siblings lives, what a terrible role model she is and always has been and how much of a manipulative snake she is who has emotionally blackmailed and abused her kids throughout their lives.

I hate her and I wish I didn't as shes going to be my daughters gran!! I too will not be allowing them to look after my child alone.

The extra information you give OP, is significant.

I totally agree with attila last' post.