Why am I not over him?

[Ijustwanttocryallthetime]

It's been a month. I was seeing a guy, it was going really well but he seemed to be becoming less and less interested in me. When I asked him about it he said he didn't want a relationship so I ended things. So why do I feel sad and not over it? I'm seeing other people and I'm still not over this guy.

I know it's not the worst problem in the world but it is getting me down. There's been no contact since I ended things. I just miss him.

It's only been a month so be kind to yourself. And maybe stop 'seeing other people' for a while .... why the rush to be someone's girl/boyfriend? Find ways to rebuild your confidence as an independent person, work on your self-esteem, and then perhaps you won't be quite so anxious to be in a relationship or so heavily dependent on what others think.

I'm not really available for a relationship though- I'm single, but I have stuff going on that means getting into something is inconvenient right now. And I'm fairly young and in a big city, seeing people is just what people do in this situation- I'm not on the hunt for a boyfriend, just someone to go out and have fun with and have sex with.

My feelings overtook me with the last one, even though I didn't want a relationship either his casualness started to make me sad so it had to stop.

Really I'm at least five years off being ready to settle down. I just liked this one and I liked spending time with him. And I suppose I have issues with being rejected, but don't we all?

I'm an incredibly independent person and I'm not anxious to be someone's girlfriend at all. In fact the thought of being someone's girlfriend makes me more anxious.

I think that's possible to co exist with being sad over a guy rejecting you?

I do feel like everyone assumes women must be gagging for a relationship all the time, even the blokes they're seeing. I can tell no one really believes me when I say I'm not in a position to have a relationship. But it's true!

But you're not having fun... It may be 'what people do' but you've discovered the limitations of casual relationships i.e. you start to like one of them and then you end up rejected & feeling a bit cheap and used with your self-esteem on the floor. I don't understand 'five years off being ready to settle down'.... is there a timetable I'm not aware of?

Why not take a bit of time out and take a different approach? Travel, learn, have experiences, get to know yourself.... grow? IME when you like & value yourself, others will respond accordingly. Keep looking for fun and sex and you'll always be treated as disposable.

I have some professional qualifications to finish off, which involve moving across the country, then I need to begin a career- I'm basically going to be really busy with work for at least the next three years.

I've travelled all over the world, I've achieved a lot- there's always more growing to be done, sure, and I need to do things like become properly established in my career and buy a house but I'm really happy with my life and who I am.

Why is fun and sex not a reasonable thing to want? Why can't that co exist with being treated nicely?

It's perfectly reasonable except where one of you is looking for fun and sex and the other - in this case you - discovers there's a stronger feeling that isn't reciprocated. Then it's not fun.

I haven't actually slept with anyone else yet, just a couple of dates and text/online flirting. It's just fun- that's healthy, surely?

I just don't think I've done anything wrong and I'm confused as to why I'm still sad. Sorry if it's coming across as defensive! I just really want to know how to stop feeling like this. Seriously, has anyone got any special meditation technique or anything?

I'm not attacking you and I don't think you're being defensive. My point is that when your love life revolves around fun and flirting it relies on you taking a shallow and rather detached approach to relationships. There's nothing wrong with the casual lifestyle and it's not 'unhealthy' to have these empty experiences but, when you come up against someone for whom you feel a real and intimate connection, it can throw you and that's why you feel sad about it.

Sometimes you just have to allow yourself to feel sad for a bit.

Thank you cogito. Yes I think you're right. It's hard not to feel a bit pathetic though when it's clearly not affected him at all. And I should be enjoying my life- I only get one.

Has anyone else been in this situation?

Anyone?

Yes - probably loads of us and I'm there now. It's hard when u liked someone and it wasn't reciprocated. We have all (mostly) been there and cogito a advice is the only advice to follow.... Try and look out to other things beyond sex .. There are other ways to fill the void that are less damaging and more nurturing than having "fun" that ends up being very not fun! You are not alone if that is what you are wondering

All of us, I should think. Everyone gets rejected - the thing to bear in mind is that practically everything people do is about them, not you. So don't make yourself crazy trying to figure out what went wrong, or what you did wrong or how it could have been different - chances are whatever narrative was running in his head had very little to do with you, your actions and your qualities.

I'm on the fence about the casual dating question though, I don't really see how it can hurt the healing process. Nothing can really hurt or help that except time. I do think you should give yourself permission to feel a bit shitty for a while though - that's normal. Don't beat yourself up for not having enough fun, that would be the opposite of a result.

I've been there in my 20s. Sorry you feel Give yourself a bit of time and you'll feel better.

WRT the fun and sex, casual dating, it's all good until you get attached. Not getting attached was the tough part for me, even with people I knew weren't suitable. I eventually concluded the casual wasn't good for me, but not suggesting that's the case for you.

For social stuff do you do any group activities? Sports groups, hiking, book club, singing - anything. If you like the activity it's fun and social and you make friends of both genders without it just being about the sex (though sex might happen of course)

Have a wallow for a bit, chat to your friends. Meditation might be good for calming anxious thoughts if you get them. I practice yoga and find it brilliant when I'm having a tough time.

Sorry if this is a bit advice-y, hope some of it's useful.