Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

When a man says this, what does it mean

50 replies

Bananasandnutella · 28/04/2014 11:06

A man you've kind of been casually seeing for months says he has feelings and is falling for you. Says he needs to reduce his contact with you as he doesn't want a relationship at this stage of his life. Before we met he was in an EA relationship and hasn't had a successful relationship before.

OP posts:

meddie · 28/04/2014 12:09

He sounds like hard work. Hes basically keeping you dangling on a hook (where he says he has feelings, so you believe he cares for you, but circumstances beyond his control are denying him. wah wah wah, its all sooooo tragic.....what a knobhead)

Please do yourself a favour and cut contact, this man will just keep reeling you in whenever he feels like it, then turn round and tell you " well I told you I didnt want a relationship" if you ask for anything solid.

All's he is offering you is confusion and angst

niceupthedance · 28/04/2014 12:14

The feelings thing is bollocks, sorry. If he was falling for you he would want to see you more not less.

blueshoes · 28/04/2014 12:33

He hasn't actually asked to discuss with you. Therefore, it is what it is and it is not worth unpicking his intentions whatever they may be if the result he wants is pretty much take-it-or-leave-it.

LyndaCartersBigPants · 28/04/2014 12:39

I've known lots of men do this within the first couple of weeks of a relationship, they come on really strong and then panic and back off, then come running back when they realise what they're missing!

However, given the timescales, in this case I'd take it as a 'gentle' let down and move on. He's had plenty of time to get to know you, to fall for you and to decide if he wants this to be a long term thing.

sykadelic · 28/04/2014 13:18

He said:
he has feelings and is falling for you. Says he needs to reduce his contact with you as he doesn't want a relationship at this stage of his life.

He meant: he has feelings and is falling for you. Says he needs to reduce his contact with you as he doesn't want a relationship at this stage of his life.

The first part is just to let you down easy and either keep the door open for a sex buddy relationship, keep you as a backup, or lower the chance of you hating him.. cause he was "just being honest".

Just wish him well in his life and move on.

sykadelic · 28/04/2014 13:18

~~and consider this a lucky escape~~

OnaPromise · 28/04/2014 13:25

As someone said, it is a version of the 'it's not you it's me' speech which probably most of us have had or given at some point. It's hurtful, yes. But you should not get drawn in by it, sorry op.

hamptoncourt · 28/04/2014 17:24

get yourself to [www.baggagereclaim.co.uk] where you will get all the advice you need.

In the meantime, he means that he is not prepared to meet your needs but could you please continue to meet his needs for the odd ego stroke and he will throw you the occasional crumb.

Tell him to fuck off.

akaWisey · 28/04/2014 18:54

What niceup said. Anything else is bollocks.

LividofLondon · 28/04/2014 19:04

"The feelings thing is bollocks, sorry. If he was falling for you he would want to see you more not less"

Agree 100% niceupthedance. It sounds like BS to me. He's letting you down gently I reckon Bananas

SoleSource · 28/04/2014 19:07

He does not see a future with you but wants you as back up. He probably fancies someone new. Don't contact him again. Ignore him. It is painful, confusing, shocking and makes you doubt yourself. It is him, not you x

MummyBeerest · 28/04/2014 19:10

He's a prick and cowardly. Not worth any more time.

avoiretre · 28/04/2014 19:11

I'm a man and really feel inclined to say this to my partner as well.
What it means is, he's not that into you to spend more time than necessary with you to keep getting some sex while he looks for something better.
He certainly doesn't see you as long term relationship material.

Maisie0 · 28/04/2014 19:37

Hm... I wondered too. Based on the above, I also thought that he doesn't want to commit, cos if he knows you for certain then he would want you.

he has feelings and is falling for you. I am lusting after you now, but I am not emotionally connecting with you yet to say forever. -Says he - I needs to reduce his contact with you -as he doesn't want a relationship at this stage of his life.- so you do not get hurt at this stage.

SolidGoldBrass · 28/04/2014 19:43

What is in no doubt is that he doesn't want a committed relationship with you. If you want a committed relationship, look for it with someone else.

Whether he is a whiny manipulator with his head up his arse, or someone who simply doesn't want a relationship and is trying to get rid of you in a way that makes you feel good about yourself, doesn't matter. He doesn't want a relationship with you.

(when I say he's 'trying to make you feel good about yourself' I appreciate that it may not be working, but an awful lot of people, when dumping someone, try to frame it in a way that avoids confrontation.)

Unless you are happy and busy with a full life anyway, and don't mind him as a fuckbuddy now and again, just drop and move on. Be 'busy' if he calls or texts. There are other men out there.

borisgudanov · 28/04/2014 20:55

It means "I am a wanker". HTH.

arsenaltilidie · 28/04/2014 23:35

Means he likes you but there is something about you he doesn't think you are compatible.
Meaning he will never fall in love with you.
But now he is not that bothered about sex anymore, that's why he suggested less contact.

This 'relationship' has run its course.

AskBasil · 28/04/2014 23:40

It means you don't need to expend too much time and energy trying to work out what he means.

Falconi · 28/04/2014 23:47

Last time this happened to me, he guy was going out with my friend behind my back.
Sorry OP, hope you move on quickly.

MistressDeeCee · 29/04/2014 01:03

I note he wants to reduce contact, not cease contact. It means he doesn't want a relationship with you but if you're up for no strings attached shagging, then that's fine. If you don't want to be his comfort-fuck then leave him alone and give yourself a chance to meet a man who is open to a relationship with you. If you do want to be with him on his terms tho, that's also fine as at least you know the score

Original poster

Bananasandnutella · 29/04/2014 13:56

Thanks for your posts. I just feel so stupid! But I suppose I've learnt lessons from it all.

OP posts:

OnaPromise · 29/04/2014 15:34

Don't feel stupid. People only know because they've been there with similar dickheads I know I have. And it's harder to see when in the midst of it all. Someone better will come along I'm sure.

Dirtybadger · 29/04/2014 15:44

Interesting that people have all said he's a dickhead. I think it depends how you two "came about". If I started seeing someone now I would be upfront and say I didn't want an exclusive or "heavy" relationship. I have too much going on. If I started to have feelings for them, which were incompatible with a relaxed "sex and some company" set up, then I would be honest and say we needed to stop, because of that.

If he is being honest, he is kidding himself. He can't carry on seeing you. Less contact will just make you more "addictive" to him (IMO). If he's not being honest then yes, he's a coward (and dickhead for that reason) who should just be straight with you. The latter also applies if he's suddenly moved the goal posts and you both were originally working towards a committed relationship.

Either way, stop and move on.

meddie · 29/04/2014 17:32

You aren't stupid, if you havent come across this kind of head fuck before its easy to assume people actually mean what they say and aren't playing games, we only say he is being a knob because we've all experienced it ourselves and been caught out by it. We just dont want to see others being taken in by the same claptrap.

SolidGoldBrass · 29/04/2014 21:02

It does depend, a bit, on how many assumptions the OP made before this conversation took place. As a general rule, it's best to treat all new relationships as casual and non-exclusive until you have discussed the issue. And if monogamy and commitment are so important to you that you need them agreed and in place before having sex, you need to make this clear and then not pitch a fit if the other person says, not for me, thanks, bye.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread