Is it on the rocks?!

[AIBUorDH]

I've NC for this as there are a few people who know me in RL...

DH and I have been together for 12 years. We have 3 children together, the eldest will be 11 soon, the youngest is 20 months.

I don't want to drip feed too much, as this could very possibly out me. But fuck me I'm so confused!!

We have reached a point where I feel so many positive things are happening, but I feel I'm losing DH.

I know I'm being vague and I'm trying to think of a way of phrasing all I'm going through without outing myself.

DH and I should be happy; we have 3 lovely children, he has a good job, and we're moving house in the not too distant future.

I battle with depression - it sneaks up on me, and did so not too long ago. I'm now sorting it, not with ADs, as both the GP and I feel they're too much. So I've been referred for counselling.

I'm happy with this, and if I'm aware of my problem, I take special care to try to not let it affect me day to day.

DH and I suspect he may have mild MH concerns too. He's discussed it with the GP too, and has also been referred for counselling.

But it feels that in every day life, shit this'll sound so unsympathetic, he doesn't make an effort to help himself.

And it feels as though he's taking it all out on me, the our eldest DC, then the dog, then my (well our) church, then my friends, then something else yadda yadda yadda.

It's never his fault, he works, I don't (although he stresses he never says this... Er! You don't have to say it for me not to get what you're implying!)

We had a spat on Friday, because I was going over my parents with the kids... He ASKED me to go, because he had an appointment at our house which was easiest dealt with without the kids in the way.

On my way out the door, I had "left to do everything/effing off as usual" hurled at my back. I so badly wanted to go back and shout/poke/glare (you get the gist!) at him, but I didn't. I did text him, and pointed out that he was the one effing kicking us out.

There continued the spat, which he aimed mostly at my church this time. It varies each time, as outlined above.

I held my ground, told him calmly that everything I do, I do because I want to.

I don't do as much as I could, as he well and truly kicked off in the earlier years of our relationship due to my commitments. I dropped a lot, and he seemed happier, even saying how he wanted to get more involved.

Anyway, at the tail end of the spat, I also pointed out the above, and that everything I had planned for the weekend, I tried to include him with but he refused to join in. I also kept checking with him that he was happy for me to continue my plans. He had been happy all week, until he snapped on Friday eve.

He eventually told me to get a new husband...

I told him to grow up.

I went home about 9ish, with the kids; he was in the pub with his brother (BIL is lovely and DH had said he would go after the appt, so no surprises that the house was empty when I came home)

I put the kids to bed, DH came home, apologised, offloaded a little about his work day and the appointment, then we ended the evening on a good note it felt.

But tonight, it all kicked off again.

I'm curled up on the sofa wishing I knew where we're headed as a couple, because it feels so unsteady.

It doesn't help that we have a friend who I'm starting to feel, well, feelings for. Nothing strong, just more than a little friendly. I think our friend is aware, and makes a point of keeping his distance, for which I'm grateful for. It got a bit scary for me over Christmas, as when my depression truly takes hold, I fantasise about, well, anyone I'm vaguely close to! I kept a lid on it, and managed to not do anything stupid except in my dreams!

But DH noticed that I talked about him a lot, and kept sneering at me to get lost and go off with my boyfriend. I verbally slapped him for that, as we had problems in our marriage 4 or so years ago - I did try to sneak off and have an affair with someone else. Similar build up emotionally, except I was working. I was very depressed and I was egged on by someone I considered a friend.

It was a hard time for us as a couple - we nearly split up, but we seemed to work it out eventually.

I kept myself to myself as much as possible, but finding myself with a young baby meant I made myself go out and start building friendships again. All female. Happy DH.

This friend of ours, I've known him vaguely for years - I'm talking a good 20 years. He's 10 yrs older than me, and I understand that I'm not his type. Oki doki, no problem.

Between him and I, we built up a little social network of 5-8 other people, including DH. We go out, either to the pub, or we play cards, that kind of thing.

I appreciate his friendship, and he wants to be friends with us as a couple.

DH has warmed up to him a lot which I'm also thankful for, as I ache to see him switch off!

But then DH often cancels at the last minute. Or is not happy hosting an evening which has been planned all week.

Then he wonders why I get annoyed at the last minute decisions... I have to play secretary and either cancel or relocate.

I also get annoyed as I've been looking forward to this time to switch off. But I'm damned if I go, and then damned if I don't go as I "sulk" for the evening.

I also feel so frustrated for him, as he doesn't seem to want to think of a way to help himself switch off either. He grumbles that he gets stressed, but won't do fuck all about it.

My friend (I'll call him mine as I do tend to talk to him more) has started picking up on these, and in a terribly selfish sense, I'm scared I'm going to lose him.

Every fight I have with DH seems to culminate in words to the effect of "shack up with matey-boy"

I won't. Although there have times I've wanted to, I won't lie!

But I won't.

There's a big thing happening in our household scenario within the next couple of weeks (no I'm not pg!) and I'm pinning hope upon all hope that this is the source of the tension between us.

But what if we get 2-3 weeks down the line, the scenario has happened, and DH isn't relaxing?

I'm starting to feel I can't cope with much more, if he won't help himself?!

Is that the right way to look at this?!

Please, feel free to pick holes in the above essay. Apologies for the length.

Have you tried talking to him in a calm environment, maybe when the kids have gone to bed? MH is horrible for anyone going through it and for anyone living with someone who is going through it.
Don't really have any other advice other than talking being the best solution didn't want to read and run.

Thanks.

We were both diagnosed only recently (less than a month ago) and I have tried to voice my concerns once I twigged what was going on. But unfortunately 97% of the time he takes it very personally and has the attitude of woe is me, everybody's out to get me, you have no idea of the pressures I'm under... And so on and so forth.

But I do! I've been managing my depression badly! for over 7 years. And a fair chunk of it I couldn't have done without him, especially in the early days.

I want to help him so badly. But I also personally feel that everybody's MH is different, and only you can ultimately help/fix you. You have to want to be better. And you'll try your damnedest to make it happen.

This is why I worry that I sound unsympathetic. :(

And now it's morning and he's (so far) behaving as though nothing happened last night. My back and the sofa say otherwise...

Spoke to soon. He challenged me because I was quiet. So I told him as calmly as I could that I wasn't happy at the way last night ended up.

He started swearing about the dog (wtf?!) and said he couldn't do it all. So I stupidly flung after him that he expected me to?!

Cue lots of muttering and cursing, and one hell of a front door slam.

We're screwed, aren't we?

Sorry to hear what you are going through no wise words really but my dh being diffucult at the moment to so understand where you are coming from. Its a position of still with the person but they are not actually co operating and being an arse. And you dont know what to do anymore x

I might be barking up the wrong tree. Whatever prompted your depression in the first place I think you are still unhappy and are looking for something else and your DH is picking up on this.

Tbh if you had written saying your DH was the one who had had at least an emotional affair 4 years' ago and your instinct was now sparked by a new ripple in the marital waters, I'd be saying no wonder you are on edge, trust your instinct.

Instead you prefer to think that his angst might be caused by the event you mention, (I realise you prefer not to be more specific). Yes it could be a source of tension so why not ask DH if this could be the root of some of his unsettled mood? But my money's on the fear he has that you are disengaging and wanting to escape.

I am trying to imagine someone writing on here, saying
"I feel quite uneasy about this person we socialise with... my OH seems to cheer up when I push myself to get along with that person, I must be imagining there's anything between them but at other times I am so unsure I feel I'm going mad".

When you move house, will that put distance between you and this group of friends including the man you like?

I am not saying it is unhealthy to have friends outside your marriage but it's playing with fire imo when you know that you are attracted to one of the circle. He may not want to take advantage of this but I don't think you should be fooling yourself this is something you can indulge yourself in harmlessly.

I am not saying DH is a saint or all the woes in your marriage are your fault. He may be difficult to live with, you may feel stifled or miss salaried work, your youngest is only 20 months' old and it's not uncommon to feel unappreciated doing the domestic donkey work while being utterly supportive to one and all.

Flinging taunts and jibes as one person exits a room or house or firing off texts/emails is a poor way of communicating. You need to talk face to face to air some uncomfortable topics.

It's fantastic that you are getting counselling, and also that you are so proactive in looking after your emotional wellbeing. My dh had counselling for depression many years ago and it made him a much happier person (and much more pleasant to live with!).

Totally agree with Donkey. It sounds like your dh is insecure because you have given him reason to be. But it also sounds like maybe you had reason to be looking outside your marriage? It is impossible from the outside to say who's fault things are or who started being unreasonable first. And it's irrelevant really, you're not at school in the head teacher's office.

Do you want to fix things and make your relationship work? If so, you need to give it 100% and stop seeing this friend and thinking in terms of fault and blame. But you can't fix things single handedly. You both need to give each other all of your patience, kindness, understanding and benefit of the doubt. There sounds like a lot of mutual resentment going on here. It sets a very bad example to your children of how adults should behave. Relationship counselling might be worth a try.

Sorry it all flared up, it's so hard and I agree you have to want to help yourself, but sometimes it takes longer for some to realise this and stop wallowing. I don't mean that in a harsh way but as someone has been there, I understand it is sometimes so hard to see. I really don't know what else to advise, other than just look long and hard about what you want. Having a break to sort yourselves out doesn't have to mean the end. If both of you want to, then you can get through it.

Thanks for the responses, they're all very helpful.

donkeys, you are right in that the original trigger for this bout of depression is still present - it is linked with the house move, but isn't the move itself. I can't say what it is as it really would out me! It's a situation which is completely out of my control, but is seated very firmly on DH's shoulders.

DH focuses on anything which takes me away from him. It's our friend at the moment, as he believes him to be a threat. 4 months ago, he might have been if DH pushed me as hard as he has in the last 2-3 weeks, but honest to goodness, although I like him, I wouldn't. I respect DH and him far too much to do that to them.

It is extremely likely that DH perceives that I'm happier around him, but I think I'm happier in any scenario other than my house! :/ he doesn't see me happier elsewhere as he refuses to come with me, and just doesn't see.

Ok, I will give friend a break (this is hard, as he goes to our church) but I will try and keep socialising to a minimum.

Bottom line is, I do love my DH deeply, and it hurts me to see him like this. We've chatted in the meantime, and I've essentially had to bully him into a meeting just me and him.

When we talk, we can achieve so much. I just hate it when he bottles it all up, expects me to mind read, and then explodes because DC1 coughs, or the dog farts, or there's a sodding wet patch on our bed because DC3 left a cup there, and although we both saw it yesterday morning, nothing was done about it so I end up camping on the sofa to make sure DH gets a good nights sleep for work the next day.

DH has said he wants me to cut him some slack and support him more... This confuses me as I feel I try and give 110% but again, his perception says something else.

Granted there may be toys on the floor, or there's washing to put away. But his behaviour and attitude towards me makes me feel like he thinks I sit at home all day staring at the wall... In my dreams! I actually have 2 (was 3 but one has stopped because of the move) small part time jobs I hold down as well as looking after the kids.

I really don't want this to be a "I do this and you don't do this" scenario, but again, it feels that he directs the conversation this way.

I'm going to try and get him to clarify what exactly he expects from me. But I will be firm and say there are certain things I won't be moved on (me going to church).

I'll keep you lovely ladies posted how I do or don't get on...

thanks for your responses so far x

Just re-read your post about the ripple in marital waters - the scenario on DHs shoulders kicked in a good 6 months before I had my wobble.

I'm not excusing myself! How I felt was entirely inappropriate, but now that I'm on a fairly even keel again, those feelings have faded a lot.

DH is the one I'm craving at the moment but I'm just not getting him.

It hurts.

You have been as candid as you can be - but it is tricky when figuring out timelines. I understand you can't divulge any more so we have to try and read between the lines a bit. It certainly isn't just for one spouse to do all the legwork.

Ok, DH and I had a massive heart to heart last night.

He was in a good mood when he got back from work so this made it easier

We both agreed we haven't been communicating to the best of our abilities - we're not out of the woods yet, but we are a good chunk down the path.

We exchanged contracts today, and I had DH on the phone sobbing with joy! That spoke volumes to me, and I think/hope it's all a little easier from now until we move out.

It's not going to be easy - DH diagnosed a bad case of cabin fever but we've made plans to go away as a family for the weekend, as it's a birthday in the family.

I'm thinking, we need to get past moving house and see how we are after that. If we're still having problems in the weeks and months after moving, then we can address them without the added pressure of house-y bits and pieces

Thank you all for bearing with my ramblings

That sounds positive! let's hope it's a turning point.