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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Awful EA... why can't I leave him

18 replies

Berryglitter · 28/04/2014 00:28

Tonight has been worse than ever, he's screamed, shouted, called me every name under the sun. Pushed me threatened to punch me and I still keep saying I love him and trying to sort it out. What's wrong with me??? I know I shouldn't do this, I'm sat here asking for a cuddle. While he rolls another joint.

I want so desperately to walk away but I have nothing without him. Not friends. Nothing

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 28/04/2014 00:31

The simple answer is that deep down you think you don't deserve more.

Is there any point in saying that you do?

He's a fucking arsehole cocksucker, obviously.

Unless you're Eva Brauns more right wing sister you likely deserve more.

IUsedToUseMyHands · 28/04/2014 00:33

Hi OP. Do you have any family? Anyone at all you could turn to? Are you married? Any children? Do you work?

Thegoatprophecy · 28/04/2014 00:34

You can do it, you do know you will feel amazing when you have got rid of this abusive loser. I left my abusive ex last year and moved away to an area where I knew no one, but I am honestly so much happier and more relaxed because I am free of the constant abuse. You will easily build a new life for yourself without him wearing you down! x

fidelineish · 28/04/2014 00:38

You CAN leave him, it is just that you haven't left him yet.

It sounds as though all that is stopping you is logistics and lack of support, but those things can be sorted.

What practical steps would you need to take? Money? Housing?

Original poster

Berryglitter · 28/04/2014 00:38

U work for his mum. My family are brilliant, but I feel like it's just me messing up again.

I have a son, not with my partner, he's at his dad's tonight. I just feel so exhausted, worn down to nothing and like I'm worth nothing. Everything that I do or say is wrong. He scares me so much.

OP posts:

fidelineish · 28/04/2014 00:42

Well you don't want your son to have to be in that kind of environment do you?

Can you stay temporarily with family? If they are brilliant they won't tell you that you have messed up, they will want to help.

Sounds like you will need to change jobs too.

IUsedToUseMyHands · 28/04/2014 00:45

That is exactly how I felt. I was so lucky to have a supportive family. I told them about my situation and asked for their help to get out and stay out. They immediately came and rescued me. Could you do the same?

Original poster

Berryglitter · 28/04/2014 00:57

The house is mine, luckily, he's never contributed anything to it. I just constantly feel like I'm living in a bad movie. This can't be my life!

No I don't want my son around this, cleverly Dp is very manipulative and only 'gets like this' when my son isn't here. It's like jekle and Hyde.

Even tonight, the argument got so bad he pushed me all down the hall,only because I touched his arm and said calm down. He said he was going to leave but he's just sat on my sofa, told me to go to bed and stop crying and that I'm an embarrassment. I'm only crying because I'm so frustrated! Sorry for ranting, I had no where else to turn.

OP posts:

BillyBanter · 28/04/2014 01:02

It its good it its your house.

Tell him to leave if you can. If he does not go immediately call the police to have him removed.

If you can't face that yet. Call womens aid and/or do the freedom programme.

You do have something if you dump him. You have new hope if a better life. You don't have that if you stay with him.

fidelineish · 28/04/2014 01:09

You have nothing without him? You have LOADS (a 'brilliant' family, a lovely DS, your own home). The problem is he is wearing you down and sapping your confidence.

You can do this, you just need a plan.

Original poster

Berryglitter · 28/04/2014 01:09

Thank you for all your replies. I know I have to get rid of him, it's just so horrible as I feel like I'll be completely alone. He makes me miserable, I constantly tread on eggshells, the argument tonight was over who should take the bin out. Silly things turn into a major argument with me in tears (maybe I'm a bit over emotional) and him telling me I'm useless, he could find someone better, I'm far, ugly, a miserable c you next Tuesday.... Etc etc and this will be in public too.

My head is screaming what are you doing you stupid girl but I'm scared to be so alone. Who will want me now, my son's daddy put me off men and now this. How can I trust anyone again.

OP posts:

Monty27 · 28/04/2014 01:13

Start by asking yourself what's wrong with him. It sounds like a lot to me.

Then ask yourself why you accept it.

No-one deserves to be treated like that. Not even a dog.

Monty27 · 28/04/2014 01:13

sorry I hope that doesn't sound harsh, I love dogs, and people!

fidelineish · 28/04/2014 01:14

Loads of decent men will you want you, but you will need time on your own first.

The longer you stay in this relationship listening to the abuse, the worse you will feel.

How bad is his habit? Complete stoner or not that bad?

ThePost · 28/04/2014 01:31

If it's your house, pack up his stuff when he's out, change the locks and tell him to fuck off. You and your son deserve more than this piece of shit.

Appletini · 28/04/2014 01:56

EA makes you believe you are powerless and also that you are responsible for his feelings.

You CAN leave this relationship. Being alone will be better than this and will you give the space you need to figure out what you want and need.

Giving you an un-Mumsnetty hug.

EllaFitzgerald · 28/04/2014 02:28

You absolutely can leave him. You've got the strength to do it; you just need to gather it together.

I don't believe for a second that he had any intention of leaving. He's used it as a threat, to upset you, to frighten you into doing what he wants and to manipulate you into being grateful that he's decided to stay. And by doing this over a sustained period (along with your son's father, possibly) he's made you believe that you're not capable of coping without him and that nobody else will ever want you. It's all bollocks. Think of all the things you've achieved without him. You've escaped from a relationship with your son's father, you've got your home, a job that pays enough to manage without any help from him and a son who will adore his mum. You don't need him for anything.

Could you go to your GP and ask for some counselling to help with your self esteem?

43percentburnt · 28/04/2014 07:50

You are very capable. This man is stopping you enjoying life. You do not deserve this at all. Him being there is stopping you being truly happy, and in a house that you own!

He won't go anywhere, it's just a threat to get you to shut the fuck up. He lives in YOUR house. You hold the cards. When he goes to work today, pack his stuff, drop it at his families, change the locks and text him. Advise the local police that he may cause a disturbance. Then watch him try and worm his way back to you.

He calls u a cunt in public and says you are useless he has such little respect for you, but he lives in your house. Amazing!

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