Learning new things about your family

[HillyHolbrook]

DM, DSis and I had an emotional dinner yesterday. DM basically broke down and told us all these things about our family, things we didn't really want to know and can't forget. I don't want to dripfeed at all, but I'm worried about outing myself and can't share too much. I would just like to get advice on how to deal with this.

I'm not blaming DM for talking about it to us in the first place, we are both big girls and she needed someone to share with who understood. She's sort of the 'black sheep' of our family, our GM will always have our cousins and help our uncle and aunties but never have us or help my mum if they can avoid it. I love my family and I always thought it was because of how my mum is, but it turned out she had been keeping secrets. She moved out at 16 and away from her hometown and I thought this was because she didn't like her family and she was mean, not the other way around.

I was always in awe at how strong of a family unit we were and thought my mum was out of order to be so cold with her family, but I can't look at certain family members the same now knowing this, and understand why my mum keeps her siblings and our GM at arms length. My GD is absolutely lovely and DM admitted he's the only one she truly LOVES for him and not just through obligation, and it's because he's the only one genuinely there for her, and some of what she told us concerns him and could destroy him if he knew. It's awful to think about.

How are DSis and I supposed to handle this? We really have some serious feelings of contempt for some family members and don't know what to do as we can't confront them and we can't be off with them with 'no reason' so it'll be hard to keep up appearances. We go there most weekends, always have, and now neither of us can face it. If you learned some awful family secrets- how did you handle it? I'm a bit lost.

I think you first need to take time to process it. It's come as a shock , and obviously has turned the picture you had of your family upside down.

I also think that you shouldn't be afraid of speaking about it to your mum. It obviously took a lot for her to tell you. And she's probably aware of the impact, especially if it's something she had kept to herself for fear of upsetting things.

You sound lovely, and it's obvious you care for your Mum.

I had something like this* come out 16 years ago (actually, almost to the day - it was a few days before my birthday.) It totally screwed up my sense of trust and all sorts.

It will take time for things to sink it. Talk to your mother about it, as she is the one who has opened it up. Also, consider counselling. That has helped me quite a lot.

It has had major, major effects on my life, though - I still have trouble with trust and letting people get close. Think about getting counselling earlier, rather than shutting it all inside - learn from my mistakes. Though if you can talk to your Mum about it, you're ahead of me already.

• Well, I don't know how like it it was, as I don't know quite what you've been through and you don't know what I've been through, but major family secrets, anyway.

I feel awful though for believing my mum was the reason why she wasn't close to our family, instead of them being the reason. I've misjudged her for all my life and some things said about her skewed the way I saw her, I've apologised for that though and she understood.

I do love her and we should talk more, but it's painful for us both, especially now I have so many things I want to say to members of my family and I just can't. I think I need to stay away from them until I process it. I talked things through with DP and he's just as shocked as I am at some of the things DM and I have told him, it was so unexpected and I don't know how mum held onto this for years like she has done.

How old are you? Can you stop going? My GM was an abusive (physically and psychologically) bitch to all her children. I couldn't even begin to describe what she put them through. We always had a relationship with her as kids. Me especially, being shipped off to her house with my cousin some weekends. I have sort of known from a going age what she did, too. Learning the worse stuff as I got older.

I'm an adult now. I've decided I don't want anything to do with her. Actually it upsets my DM that I despise her mum so much (she's forgiven her) but whilst she isn't such a bad person these days, she is still a huge bully and incredibly cruel.
It's hard to say what to do because I don't know what your relatives did but if it's anything like my GM, you'll be well shot. Stop going.

Your mum will be feeling guilty now for causing you upset. Please keep talking with her, even about everyday stuff.

First of all, don't blame yourself for your behaviour up to now. You can only act on the information given - especially as a child - and, if you didn't know the truth, you can't have been expected to guess it.

Seeing as how secrecy and lies has resulted in this situation I personally think it would be a bad idea to keep the secrecy going. Your DM has told you for a reason. Mostly, I suspect, so that you think better of her. However, there may be an element that she's fed up with the status quo and is looking for others to back her up. Not suggesting you go in guns blazing but I would not plan to keep up appearances because that just shifts your DM's burden to you. Say what you need to say. 'Tell the truth and shame the devil'

Oh you poor thing. THIS is exactly why I get so frustrated with women on these threads trying to encourage a relationship between their children and their parents/ILs when they themselves are treated badly by the parents or ILs.

First of all, give yourself time to process it.

If you usually see them every weekend, pretend you and your DSIS have lots of commitments for the next few weeks and can't make it.

Then book an 'event' for just the three of you (as simple as dinner together at one of your houses), and let it be known in the wider family just how much you're looking forward to it, especially as you've all shared so much recently, and are even closer now than ever before - that you and your DSis are so blessed having such a close relationship with your mother.

Those who know, will understand the message, those who don't won't and it won't affect them.

If those who know have the gall to try to push it a bit you just coolly look them in the eye and say 'You never were that close to mum, were you?..... shame...... Especially since mum and I are so close... especially now' and then slowly look away.

No need to explain more. They will know you know.

Yes, I agree as this has happened to me a few times over the years. My Uncle was killed when he was only fifteen, only he wasn't my uncle, he was my cousin. I never knew as our family was incredibly secretive.

I was not close to my mum, she was a very difficult woman, but after her death my cousin told me that my aunts were always unkind to her and that it was very difficult for her in a family who thought no-one was good enough for their brother.

Although it sounds that what you have been told has had a devastating impact and more serious than what I have posted, it does shake up your life history based on long standing beliefs. You need some time to process this, but please don't feel guilty. You still have your mum.

As Cogito said, try not to blame yourself for acting on the information that was available at the time. At least you know now. It can be shocking when you find out these family secrets - and many families have them - and make you reevaluate people you thought you knew.

Take some time to do that and talk it over with your dsis if you are able to support each other. It's obviously up to you (and your dm and dsis) if you want to bring the secret out or keep quiet. There's certainly no need to keep up a friendly pretence with anyone you don't want to though, or explain yourself.

I completely know where you are coming from, as my family has a background that sounds quite similar to yours. Something very dark and horrible happened a long time ago, and the repercussions of that are still being felt in relationships today. Sometimes, when boundaries are crossed very badly, the echoes go on for generations.

I think you're going through an important transition here, and like all changes in perspective, it takes some time to deal with the fallout. You'll probably feel confused, angry, bewildered and sorry at different times (or maybe even all together!). In many ways, you are grieving as a result of a change in perspective, the realisation that things are not quite how you thought they were.

One thing that may be helpful is the idea that no family (and no individual) is perfect. Sometimes people make bloody silly mistakes. Sometimes people are weak. Sometimes people refuse to see the ramifications of their actions on others. While it can be comforting to have a very black/white picture of people (note the prevalence of very simplistic narratives in this forum!), life is almost always more complicated than this and there are many sides to stories.

It is (thank goodness) not our role to act as judge and jury on such situations. It's important to recognise that sometimes the hurt goes deep that things can't simply be 'repaired'. It's like a tree that has a diseased branch cut off: we don't regrow in exactly the same place when something bad happens to us - we develop in new directions. Families are the same: they grow around their griefs and losses and traumas, and learn to live with them, rather than making them vanish.

To put it another way, it is not your responsibility to 'make this right' - or to say or do anything in response to other members of your family. Do not be too eager to deal out condemnation. You thought you were 'right' about the situation all these years - and you have discovered that you were actually viewing things from a really skewed perspective. If that is not a lesson in mistrusting one's own judgement and going forward carefully and non-judgementally, I don't know what is. If you don't feel able to see family members at present, that's fine - but it would be unwise to intervene or to express the contempt you currently feel while this is all so raw.

So I would, in fact, caution you against reacting at all for some time, because any response that you make immediately will be full of emotion and hurt and will likely cause more damage. The other thing I wanted to say is that your mother sounds very strong. She has made herself vulnerable by telling you this, and you need to consider her in whatever you do next. Opening up old wounds can have devastating consequences for both those directly involved in a situation and those who are not - and you have a responsibility to her and to other innocent parties (because I imagine you are not the only people in teh family that didn't know the whole story) that you need to think about very carefully.

Sometimes the best we can do is to offer understanding and compassion in the continuing effort to live with something that's happened. Think how you can best help and support those relations you love, rather than how you can express your anger and hurt at these revelations.

Thanks, everyone.

I'm early twenties btw.

I'm really shaken because DPs family are a total mess who he wants to leave behind, and we were both leaning on the fact mine were so strong and great so we had them at least, and now that's all a bit skewed and ruined. I feel as though I'm isolated. None of the things I know affect me directly, but knowing them means I just can't love and be around the people in question, it's all a bit sickening and hard to process.

I'm going to have to just wipe the slate clean and forget the past, since it was all built around lies, and work on building better relationships with my parents and sister. They're moving abroad soon, which is why DM cleared the air I think, just as I've begun TTC and planning a wedding, so I'm a bit sad about not having them around but I can let them go happily knowing we are in a better place together. I have a great partner, a lovely house, a job I love and a wonderful life of my own, independently, and I have a feeling once DM and Dsis were gone, I'd be the 'black sheep' and family scapegoat because I'm my mothers daughter and not enough like them for them to accept fully, same for my sister, which I feel is why nobody would ever take us to stay over or on holiday, and favoured our cousins over us.

We will all be better off in the end without these people, I hope.

I don't plan to cut anyone off or out of my life, or start fights and drag up old secrets as it definitely isn't just us who never knew, I don't think our cousins and their children have any idea either, and it was kept from us all for a reason.

I'm just going to focus more on me and my loved ones and do more for myself and my little family instead of stressing out over my big one.