is it me...?

[catkin14]

Exh and I split over a year ago, I left him, selfish manipulative man, lot of EA stuff bu we had been together over 25 years.

Youngest DC, age 16 has taken it hard as he believed his DF loved him but as time has gone on he has had less and less contact as DF had found a new woman 5 weeks after split..

DC gets a text from DF today telling him he and NW got engaged today and to say we are all shocked is understatement but DC is hit badly.
A text to tell him though?? Is it me or is this just plain cruel?? we live 30 mins from his DF
How do i help DC deal with this latest blow to their already very fragile relationship?

No it's not you. This is terribly harsh on you and your son. Cruel. Does ex see he kids regularly? Texting that was a coward's way of doing things. Just be there for your son. I have a 17 yr old and I going through a ghastly time now with separation. Make sure you're there for ds as they can't always express what they want to say. You stay on top. I truly know how you feel.

Cowardly as well as cruel I would say. Totally thoughtless and irresponsible. How you deal with it, I would suggest, is to listen to whatever your DCs want to say to you and then suggest to him that he meets up with them. They've already realised he's very selfish and I expect they'll benefit most from being allowed to sound off.

No, he sees DCs approx once every 3 weeks. But he leaves it till last minute to arrange stuff and they are then busy..
He is so manipulative that whatever they say to them he will turn round to make it their fault/problem so they are all reluctant to speak to him but oh how they need to!
What sort of man treats his own DCs like this? I am beyond comprehension!

A man who knows he's in the wrong and doesn't have either the cojones or maturity to be responsible for his actions. A supremely selfish man who, in his head, is not a father of tricky teenagers who might want a conversation or a few answers, but a free spirit with obligations to no-one but himself. That kind of man would rather avoid, deflect, use bullshit and cast blame than face the music.... and they don't care whose feelings they hurt in the process.

If he ends up with a poor relationship with his own kids, he'll have no-one to blame but himself

Just listen to your children, don't force them to spend time with their dad. Let them decide what they want to do. Encourage them to treat people kindly and with respect. Tell them you are always there for them.

Cog is spot on, this man believes only his happiness is important. He doesn't think about his teenagers or anyone else's feelings, but I guess you know that already. Unfortunately your kids are still learning about him. I guess his fiancée is yet to start learning...

I am sure throughout this new relationship you were always respectful about it in front of DS.

You are doing well not to preface any conversation about their engagement bombshell with,
"Well your dad's an arsehole and he's handled this really badly".

I imagine in your shoes I would be fuming too but try and let DS know he is entitled to feel about this however he does. How are your older DCs? Is your youngest able to talk things over with any of them?

As a considerate parent, unlike his father, you are setting an example for your DCs whatever age they are on how to treat people. Your DS is flailing so maybe contact your ex and offer yourself as a resource to intercede.

it's not you, and it's not your poor DS

Its not either of you. Sadly my own father did this to me at a similar age. The fact neither I nor my younger sister have had any relationship with him for a decade speaks volumes. Reassure your DS, as hard as it is dont bad mouth his father. Poor boy :-(

My ex did something very similar to his kids recently (I was with ex 4 years, his children aren't mine but I'm still very close to the youngest boy of 17, which is a huge honour) The ex met someone a couple of weeks after splitting with me and 5 months later text his kids to say he was retiring and moving to the coast with her, because of this he had no money at present but might be able to give them a few quid when everything settled down. The kids were very hurt and yes he was a huge coward.

As stated, just be there to listen.

Thanks for replies, helped me see it how it is.

DC seems ok today and the initial shock has now worn off for us all.

I ad to laugh to myself when after I had told my mother of the happy news she said she was going to drink the happy couples health with vinegar..!

He 'found' her 5 weeks after the split - crikey that was a bit slow. I know you left him, not the other way around but normally they have someone waiting in the wings.

Thy seem eager to get engaged, don't they? Mind you the wedding could be years off. I wound not be so eager to do it all so quickly again.

As for the way he texted your child that was thoughtless and cruel. His child is no longer under any illusion there.

My ex told me by text that he had ow and the kids would "just have to get used to it." He then proceeded to show dd1 the text this was less than 2 weeks after we had temporarily split.

He has told dcs that he intends to marry ow, all rather strange as I am trying my best to divorce him whilst he resists at every opportunity.

Your dc will see who loves him although this is far from an ideal situation for either him or you.