commitment shy or itchy feet?

[cheerysheep333]

So Ive been with my partner for 6 years, we both have kids from previous relationships and I thought life was pretty perfect until he announced out of the blue that he didnt see me in his long term future. He says hes felt this for over a year but he only told me a month ago. Our relationship had carried on pretty much as normal and the first I knew about his concerns was when he told me.
He says there is no one else and hes not looking to leave but he doesnt want to get married (actually nor did I ) or combine finances. (we have lived together in my house for 5 years and he contributes his share. )
He says this reluctance to commit is because he was hurt badly by his ex wife and he wants to protect himself from future potential hurt. He only realised this when he saw me chatting to a male friend and wasn't jealous and questioned himself as to why. The other reason he doesnt want any commitment is that he grew up abroad and has always wanted to go and work abroad someday.
(The weird thing is that he was the one who was keen in the beginning for us to move in together and he talked a lot about the future. He moved away from his kids and rented out his house to be with me but now its all changed?)
He now has added another bombshell, he wants to quit his job and go travelling for 4 months (without me) with no job to come back to. He hope this will get rid of his desire to work abroad. He has said that while hes gone he cant afford to continue contributing to our joint household bills.
Im not sure whether hes being a git and just using me, or having a massive mid life crisis, and I should stamp my foot and tell him to get over his crisis or get out. Or whether he is genuinely suffering from his ex wife and needing to go travelling to get things back in perspective. Apart from this he is a genuinely lovely man who has a big heart and has never put a foot wrong in any other way. Has anyone else been through anything like this and can offer anything wise to say to help us get through this?

Sorry, but it doesn't really sound like there's an 'us' here any more - I get the feeling that he has been secretly detaching and laying his plans to move on alone. How do you feel about this being a break-up?

I agree with walk.

Did you manage the bills by yourself before he moved in? Do you have space for a lodger? I'd consider this over and be looking for ways to move on if I were you

Sadly I concur with the other two. Sounds like he's moving on. It does all sound a bit like a mid life crisis, except for the fact that he's been mulling it over for a long time.
Sounds to me like he wants out.

When he says he doesn't want to leave but sees other things in his future than you, does he mean to carry on living with you until a better offer comes along? A job abroad?

Don't fucking think so pal.

This is not fear of commitment OP, but someone trying to end a relationship.

How old are his kids OP? I infer they have left home already.

I feel that if this were supposed to be a break up he would have broken up with me by now. He is honest and straightforward so why would he go through all this to break up with me?
Yes I could manage if he left, ( I would rather he didnt because we get on really well and share similar values) It wouldnt be easy but I cope rather than sink.
His kids are still at home with their Mum. He is a very dedicated father so I'm surprised he wants to 'leave' them too. This is one of the reasons that I wonder if he's just having a crisis....

So are you planning on waiting for him while he goes off and finds himself for 4 months?

Im not sure if I would wait for him, He hasnt decided for definite that hes going travelling. He acknowledges that its very selfish, and it might not happen but hes hoping it will get rid of his itchy feet. If I stop him from going its my fault , but if he goes- he's gone so to speak....
I was just really surprised at the request- Its a single man thing to do surely, not something you ever consider while in a relationship- or do you?

Either he doesn't want to hurt your feelings and be the bad guy, or he wants security to return to after his travels. If his travels go well and he does decide to move abroad - it's over isn't it?

If you say to someone you're in a relationship with that you don't see them in your 'long term future' you're basically saying it's over.

I'm sorry cheery I don't think he's treating you well at all.

Who the fuck decides after 6 years, 5 of them living together, that he doesn't want to commit because of how badly his ex-wife hurt him? And who thinks that not being jealous of a male friend of yours is a sign that something's amiss with the relationship?

I couldn't begin to guess what's going on in his mind, but I agree with everyone else that for one reason or another, he's checked out already.

sigh.... so wise ones , what do I do next?

Plan for him to move out within nexe few days. I think I wouldn't want to be with someone like that for more than 24 hours.

I would feel he used me and saying that he is a dedicated father yet first he moved away from his kids to be near you and now wants to travel and not to see them again doesn't add up.

I think you have got an idealized picture of him in your head whilst he is rather selfish man.

He already upset you - him staying for longer would make it more confusing to you.

You have to look after Number One - yourself and your kids. he already said he doesn't want to be part of your family!

Say goodbye and wish him happy travelling

OP if I were you I'd take the reins and say "I'm not going to loiter around while you plan your future without me in it...so can you see your way to moving out within the week?"

Then hand him his arse.

Which abroad, Cheerysheep?

Is he just going to sit around in your home until he casually decides to trot off, then? After he's basicallly told you he doesn't want you? Let him go off and play violins about his ex-wife somewhere else, and not on your time. He's as user, and a selfish man who is only interested in looking out for himself and what he wants to do. He has already detached from you anyway. & he's beyond rude, setting out to you in detail all he wants to do to get away from you. He sounds like a man who doesn't want to cope with responsibility. I hope you do get rid. In your place Id be giving him 3 days tops to get lost, I wouldn't even be able to lie down next to him at night, after his cheek.

I agree: wish him happy travels and ask him to leave asap. If he doesn't see you in his future, then you most definitely do not want to wait until his crisis is over. He needs to leave on YOUR terms.

So he's told you he doesn't see you together long term and he wants to leave for 4 months?

In the interim I assume he's still sharing a bed with you? Still having sex with you? Your still doing things like each others washing and cleaning up after him?

Like hell I would be saying 'ok dear you have a 4 month break I'll be here when you get back, love you'

I'd be telling him where to get off, packing up his stuff and throwing him out on his ear, you are not his play this, not his mother and ou certainly are not a door mat to be walked all over. He's checked out of the relationship but still wants the secturity of knowing you will be there for him. Fuck. That.

*Play thing