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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need to chat through it

22 replies

redandchecker · 27/04/2014 18:46

Posted in AIBU lastnight when 'D'P went out knowing DS was ill and didnt communicate with us to see how we were all day/night. Strolled in at 6am with a friend. Been a total twunt all day was going to wait to end things as it's just been awful for a while and I am pregnant but I just couldn't.

He asked me for bacon sandwiches, to iron a top, he was snappy with DS bearing in mind he is ill and the rage was just building although I calmly said I didn't want to be together any more.

He left about an hour ago and I've been a state since luckily DS has gone to sleep easily tonight but it was heartbreaking because he kept asking for daddy. I don't want to cry a lot because I feel guilty on the baby so just need to talk through it.

He started doing coke randomly and he never used to go out but since I've been pregnant he has shown me he has no ability to be there when I need him. I have miscarried three times so the first three months were hard but he just isn't 'emotionally intelligent' I've stuck by him through thick and thin when I really should have walked away so it has really made me feel quite shit that he's left me to deal with everything alone through a so far difficult pregnancy.

He doesn't do anything, because 'he goes to work' I do too But he doesn't know how to cook, clean, never offers moans if i ask for a crisp packet to go in the bin and quite frankly he has been harder work than DS and I recently I have realised we no way in a happy, balanced, mature or equal relationship.

I have to teach him how to parent DS.
I have stuck through it all because he made me believe I had a real catch, no one would take on a woman with a child and I would struggle all round. I have been with him since I was fifteen. So at the moment I am feeling pretty petrified.

I feel very sad I now have no one to share my pregnancy with.
I am heartbroken that this is all happening right now.

Apologies for the ramble and typos, I just need to talk.

OP posts:
Original poster
redandchecker · 27/04/2014 18:58

He also strangely accused me of acting 'shady' and asked if I was seeing someone else, I responded with I'm pregnany Hmm He then started to pack his stuff whilst crying. I feel very confused it's the first emotion rather than anger I have seen in a very long time

OP posts:
JuliaScurr · 27/04/2014 19:06

you are better off without him. serious stoners etc are impossible to live with.

share your pregnancy with us Smile and your local Surestart antenatal group
it's called Mumsnet, remember

How far along are you? How are you feeling?

chosen any names yet?

xxx

Original poster
redandchecker · 27/04/2014 19:09

Thanks Julia
It's just hitting me what I have done and I feel so scared.
He's all I know. I can't imagine ever feeling better right now.

I'm only just over 14 weeks, no names

OP posts:
Lackland · 27/04/2014 19:22

Oh good luck Red. I think you and your children will be better off without him if he is a coke head. He would only be a stone around your neck.

It won't be easy but it will be better.

So now we think of names. I like Roisin for a girl or Daragh for a boy.

Original poster
redandchecker · 27/04/2014 19:55

I've tried ringing my mum because I'm in such a state but her phone is off I think she may be on a flight Sad
I don't know what to do with my self at all.

OP posts:
Thetimes123 · 27/04/2014 20:12

Do you have any friends to help in rl?

Thetimes123 · 27/04/2014 20:12

And can you leave him?

Original poster
redandchecker · 27/04/2014 20:16

He's gone.
That's happened. I have no one to talk to I think that's why I'm finding this so hard right now

OP posts:
paxtecum · 27/04/2014 20:22

Love, you are better without him.

He's not into being a family man, he'd rather be coked up with his mates. No doubt he's very moody for a few days after the coke too.

It may seem overwhelming right now, but it will get so much better.
Is your Mum usually supportive?

Don't have him back.
You are not a doormat.

Best wishes to you.

Original poster
redandchecker · 27/04/2014 20:24

I just wish he didn't cry I'm starting to doubt myself now.
Yeah she is, I hope it gets better I don't think I've ever felt so bad!!!

OP posts:
ILoveYouSamStarman · 27/04/2014 20:25

Keep going on the path you're on. You will make a better life for yourself and your children.

Thetimes123 · 27/04/2014 20:26

This is the start of a bright new future - you can do it Grin

Have you read the book 5 people you'll meet in heaven - it helped me when I split up with my stupio ex.

littlegreengloworm · 27/04/2014 20:27

Oh god, I read your thread yesterday. I didn't realise the drug thing too.
:(
Well you are onto your second trimester now so that is a great comfort to you.

Original poster
redandchecker · 27/04/2014 20:32

I will get that book tomorrow thetimes I need something to keep me busy in the evenings.

littlegreen it's only started since I've been pregnant he thinks once a week is OK. Hmm

OP posts:
Scarletohello · 27/04/2014 20:33

Oh sweetheart he sounds like a total loser and not someone you can rely on when things get tough. Eventually you will realise that you are so much better off without him, he sounds like an entitled man hold and there are much better men out there. You have only known him so you don't know that yet. You have done the right thing as he seems unable to give you the support you deserve. Is there anyone in your life that can support you? Remember you are not alone and we will give you all the support we can. X

Betrayedbutsurvived · 27/04/2014 20:33

You're going go be fine, in fact better than fine. It's tough now, but take it one day at a time, keep posting on here, and I promise you, one day, very soon, you'll be thinking what a lucky escape you had. Theres a thousand women on here who can vouch for that from personal experience, and I'm sure they will be along, but in the meantime I'll start by saying, the very best thing I ever did in my life was leave my DDs father, and it won't be very long before you are saying the same.

Scarletohello · 27/04/2014 20:34
  • manchild
Original poster
redandchecker · 27/04/2014 20:39

Thanks. It's just so sad I've held on for song because I never wanted To have a separated family like I did. I just feel like history's repeating itself. I feel like I have failed DS by choosing him as a father in the first place. How will I ever tell him. He's so gorgeous :-(
Why couldn't he just fuxking step up

OP posts:
Thetimes123 · 27/04/2014 20:58

Ignore the idea of him stepping up....you need to move on, you are better than him, you can give your son so much more. You will be happy soon, one day. Do not think he's worth having back.

ImAMonkeyMess · 27/04/2014 21:05

You've just done a fantastic thing for your son and your baby. I am pregnant, too, and can imagine some of what you're feeling, but be very proud of yourself tonight.

Original poster
redandchecker · 27/04/2014 21:21

Thank you

Sad
OP posts:
Gurnie · 27/04/2014 22:49

Just checking in with you redandchecker to see how you're doing. I don't blame you for feeling scared and sad, it would be strange if you didn't. You've been really strong and brave. I know it is hard to think about your son's reaction but I think it would be so much worse if you stayed put and your son had to see his dad behaving like a total git most of the time. Honestly, he will get through this as will you. The first bit is always the worst, it's a shock no matter how long you've been thinking about it. Hugs to you.

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