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Original poster

I don't climax easily. New DP getting concerned

12 replies

EdwiniasRevenge · 27/04/2014 14:36

I am currently on medication which makes it difficult for me to climax. I know this. I live with this. It doesn't worry me.

but I am on a new relationship and my DP is getting worried/frustrated/concerned that I don't climax with him. He is doing the right things. The things that usually work for me. I have explained about the medication. And he says he understands but I know that he would love for it to happen. And I know that it frustrates him that I don't climax. I guess he feels he isnt satisfying me.

Have been single for over 3 years. So my body isn't used to the human touch IYSWIM; and DP feels he should be able to "complete the task" "as that's his job" so doesn't want to help things along with a bullet or similar.

problem is now I'm feeling the pressure to perform which is making it harder. I just don't know how to convince him that sex can and does feel awesome without an orgasm.

OP posts:
FolkGirl · 27/04/2014 14:40

How long have you been seeing him?

I can't really put my finger on why, but there's something about this that is a bit unsettling for me.

It may just be the way you've expressed it, but it seems to be more about how he feels about it, than you.

Original poster
EdwiniasRevenge · 27/04/2014 14:54

We've been sleeping together for 2-3 weeks. So I think its still early days.

And this is what I'm trying to say. I enjoy sex with him - very much so. I have and am not expressing any concern about any aspect of our sex life. I have no concerns.

But he is concerned that he is not making it pleasurable for me because I don't climax. He is very loving. Very carig. Very attentive. Lots of foreplay. But when/because I don't climax he seems to feel inadequate.

The problem for me is that he is NOT inadequate. He doesn't need to change anything or do anything diffetent. He isn't doing anything "wrong". I don't judge him because I don't climax. But how do I convince him that there is no issue so we can both be more relaxed about it all?

OP posts:
wickedwitchofwaterloo · 27/04/2014 15:00

I agree with Folk. It doesn't seem like how you feel is actually the point, it is more important how it is making him feel iyswim.
If you have already explained to him that it is a side effect of your medication, I don't see what his concern is? It has nothing to do with him and what he is/isn't doing, you are, as it were, physically unable and you shouldn't feel bad about that.

Fwiw, I don't think the fact you have been single for 3 years matters, I was in relationship and went on anti depressants and my libido was ruined in a space of months, and I had been at it regularly.

Please don't blame yourself or feel like you have to appease him in anyway. I hope what you feel better on your medication btwThanks

TheoneFKAMNwidowed · 27/04/2014 15:00

Find a new partner, you CANNOT start off your relationship with intimacy issues, this will carry on for years if you do. Sex will always improve the longer a relationship goes on, but at least at the start you should be made to feel that this is the best time. Its early days, don't get yourself wrapped up in issues right from the start. Your leading yourself into a crappy life

MadBusLady · 27/04/2014 16:31

Have to say I would find it tough in his position. Obviously it can't be helped and it's no one's fault, but making each other come is a big part of what the intimacy is about for a lot of people (not everyone) and is a natural part of growing a new relationship. It's not all about what each individual thinks about their satisfaction, there are crossover emotions too. I think he does have a legitimate reason to feel down about it, basically. Is the medication situation permanent?

RedRoom · 27/04/2014 16:40

His preoccupation with you having an orgasm is something I'd associate with an inexperienced man (even if he isn't), just because his focus is on the 'arrival' not the journey, as if it's only once your orgasm is ticked off the to-do list that it counts as satisfying sex. On one hand, that could make him seen attentive and selfless in bed, but on the other, it does imply that he isn't the most sensitive or understanding of lovers: you have made it very clear why orgasms are hard for you, yet he is still pushing you to achieve one as if it's a badge of honour for him. Is the orgasm important for your needs, or his ego? It sounds like the latter.

I also think his attitude to things like the bullet implies that he is a bit insecure and threatened by toys etc because you say he feels it's 'his job' for you to orgasm. Treating an orgasm like a 'job' is about as unappealing as it gets really: I'm sure I wouldn't be able to either, with that much pressure. You aren't a performing seal! If his sense of manliness comes from making women orgasm quickly without any toys, then it does suggest that down the line he'll find it hard to deal with any sexual issues without being hurt and offended.

I don't think you can do much except reiterate the fact that many women are complex and find orgasms a physical and psychological thing, and that the combination of your med and his pressure is going to make it even less likely.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/04/2014 17:13

I agree with PPs.... he's making this all about him. You know when Ryanair flights land on time they play a tape of wild applause and a fanfare? That's what he's expecting from you.... a virtual round of applause for his magnificent sexual efforts. Hmm

If you've only known him a couple of weeks he can be safely discarded.

Isetan · 27/04/2014 17:38

This isn't your problem, it's his. It appears him getting you off is more important than you getting off and that type of crap isn't on, especially in a entanglement of less than a month. Is he also insisting that penetration is the only way that you should have your orgasm?

Reacquaint yourself with your bullet and maybe pop along to Love Honey (other websites are available) and invest your time in updating your toys and less on this juvenile.

Lweji · 27/04/2014 19:18

I share everyone else's concerns.

How much sex have you been having in two/three weeks that he's already that desperate about the lack of climax?

He should be taking it easy.
And if he continues like this, I'd tell him to find someone who does climax on cue.

FolkGirl · 27/04/2014 19:27

I can understand him feeling a bit inadequate until you explained why.

At that point, he should accept your explanation and your reassurances that it isn't a failing on his part.

If he is genuinely concerned about you having an orgasm and you know that using a bullet does it, then he should be happy to have a go (as it were!) using that. He has no right to tell you that it's "his job".

MadBusLady · 27/04/2014 19:34

Ah, I missed the bit about the bullet, that IS pure ego from him and not nice.

I still think it's legitimate to be upset about lack of orgasms in one's partner in general, though that is probably a minority viewpoint on here. Nobody is an island. It is a closeness/vulnerability thing.

FolkGirl · 27/04/2014 19:43

I completely agree with you on that MBL That closeness/vulnerability is the thing that makes a romantic relationship different from relationships you have with other people.

But I agree, too, that this is about his ego and not Edwina's experience.

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