Lack of kindness and respect in my family

[YouPutYourRightArmIn]

Just having a rant I suppose, but feel really sad today about how naff we all are as a family. I mean my parents and siblings (rather than my DH and DD).

We all moan about each other behind each others backs, we never do kind things for each other, and seldom even show basic respect. We all seem to just carry on in our little bubbles with no real regard for anyone else. We all find each other hard work lots of the time. It's like we want to enjoy each other's company but in reality it ain't that great. I'm not sure we even properly know one another really.

I don't know how we've got to this weird negative place. But I spend my life feeling frustrated that actually none of them are who I want them to be. And I strongly suspect they all feel the same about me, and each other.

We're not that dysfunctional on the face of it and we seem to have a go at playing happily but I'm not convinced that any of us come away satisfied by the interactions we've had, if that makes any sense at all.

I don't think it's a case of even wanting to fix it. It is just what it is. But I feel sad about it today.

I'd say you were describing fairly normal family life. We share a genetic connection with siblings and a certain amount of history but, unlike friends and partners, we don't choose them, they don't choose us and frankly I think it's a minor miracle when personalities don't clash and everyone gets along! Sometimes it takes a crisis before a family gels. Sometimes it never happens.

Maybe stop being frustrated that they're not who you want them to be and just accept them for who they are?

Very wise words cogito, my family are in exactly the same situation and I shed silent tears every day. You have your own new family now so focus on that, for many of us our childhood family mean less to us over the years and we create a new family of our own. Family life can be happy, frustrating, supportive and often desperately hard work. Perhaps now is the time to cut the ties a bit more and perhaps accept that you are all very different and that spending very limited time together is the only way forward. Sorry you are extra sad about it today. Guess we all have this ideal that we should all have close, loving, supportive happy families.... The reality is sadly quite often not the case.

Try listening to each sibling and finding out what the cause of being 'not that dysfunctional' is for them. Where did it begin, and how does ut affect their choices about parenting. That might help.

Thing is, I kind of can accept it for the most part but we still all carry on as if we are one if those close knit families who enjoy hanging out, when actually we're just not.

Since having DD we have tried to focus on our own stuff a lot more but again, because of that facade there is also pressure to see them (well - they'll all want to see DD!). It is becoming more apparent, from all directions, that its easier to not spend time together but I still find that quite sad.

Lots of my friends are really close to their parents and siblings, going on holiday together, popping in for a cuppa, out for lunch, evening shindigs. I'm fairly sure in my family we would all love to be the same and all semi shoot for that, but the reality is so different to what we'd hoped.

Ironically we moved back to the uk to be closer to them all. That is feeling more and more like it wasn't the best thing. Again, the hope is so different from the reality.

So what is it that means you don't see eye to eye with one another?

I don't know. We just rub each other up the wrong way, slag each other off, let each other down... But then all get together on 'special occasions' as if its all hunky dory. Or not as the case maybe today where one family member simply didn't turn up.

I understand how you feel op. I have had to face this is the case between my brother and I this weekend. It's been a long running thing between us that he and I, along with a group of our 'friends' meet up every Saturday evening. This week is my brothers birthday and I had tried to organize a bit of a do to celebrate. When I arrived at out usual haunt none of the group where anywhere to be seen, and it turns out they had all gone out elsewhere without even so much as a thought to text to say they had other plans let alone an invite to have joined them. I resisted the urge to punch the cake I had bought and leave it there for him but it was a close call. Sadly this is not the first time either and I have come to the conclusion that they really don't care whether I'm there or not. This amougst other things has led me to the decision that I'm very sad about that I won't attend anymore get togethers as Im not wasting anymore time on people that don't give me a second thought.

That really is family life. Oh I know there are some people out there doing a good impression of The Waltons and usually splashing it all over Facebook in the process.... but I am deeply suspicious of such people. Like couples that 'never argue' I think there must be some dodgy stuff going on that they're not owning up to. :)

The slagging each other off and letting each other down is horrible. Why do you all do that?

I know you said you don't want to fix it but it sounds like you would all like to get on better. It might be worth having a go. Maybe it needs for you to point it out to everyone?
Me and my sister always say that its actually easier to be polite and kind rather than getting worked up and expending energy being annoyed and angry with each other.

There are 5 of us and although we don't get on brilliantly with each other, we're all kind to each other. We all support each other and we enjoy get togethers and have a good catch up. I think its because we're sort of distant on a day to day basis and don't get involved in the day to day stuff with each other that we can get along so well when we do get together.

I think the dynamics (step families) and history make it difficult.

There are pockets of strong relationships and pockets of ones that are probably beyond repair. When I say "slagging off", I guess I mean whinging and moaning rather than downright bitching. The letting down, well, there's a couple of "usual suspects" in that regard so not everyone, but overall it feels that we all find it too much of an effort to really make much of an effort. And then when we do, it's not as fun or lovely as we'd perhaps hoped.

I know of one family whereby the kids (mid-20s) socialise with their parents as much as with their friends. They like going out with them so it all just naturally flows. Whereas I find 90% of interactions with my family hard work. My friend wants to build her parents a house on their land. That would be my WORST nightmare.

It has crossed my mind of course that all this could just be me!!!

How do I create an environment where DD wants to hang out with us when we're older? Rather than doing so out of obligation or duty.

I guess it starts from the top. the parents should build good relations between children when they were young, teaching them what is right what is wrong behaviour in relations.

Respect and kindness is basic to any relationship. If that goes, there is not much relationship left, except perhaps on paper.

Real slagging off and - in particular - letting people down, is also going to finish off any real relationship between people.

Love your dd and let her be her own woman, in time, and you won't go far wrong. Support and encourage her, and don't let her think it's acceptable to let down people you love. Then you will have the best chance of good relationship in future. Why not?

Respect was expected of us as kids but I never felt like it was particularly reciprocated. It has to be a two-way thing right? And whilst it would be easy to shift all blame on to my parents for divorcing, surely part of what that does is prove that people who are supposed to love and respect each other ultimately don't and don't need to anymore. Grow up seeing that in the most fundamental relationaship you know and I guess it's possible to grow up yourself not appreciating the true value of family etc.

The people I know in the like-each-other families are positive, happy, lively, relaxed and full of respect for one another. Grow up with that and I guess it's natural to enjoy each others company.

You I understand because my family is like this. Not much respect or real liking, though there is an expectation that people will behave in a certain way.

I think I'm starting to understand the dynamics and its a sorry tale, really. I tried very hard to fix it when I was younger and just got minced. Perhaps it just put too much strain on other weak relationships.

OP i sympathise. Your family sounds like mine and the notion of engaging them in open conversation about how to relate better is laughable, there is not enough trust, respect or honesty for such a conversation.

I too envy friends who enjoy closeness with their families. My thing is to try to accept the way it is and to build a kinder family of my own. I guess time will tell how that goes.

I think of any of you met us you'd think we were pretty fine. We're not, for the most part, downright rude to each others faces but there is definitely something missing. I think the relationships function at a basic, minimal level but there isn't much beyond that. I think we all talk the talk but don't really walk the walk if that makes sense....

Do you have cousins? How do they get on with each other?

I've got 3 cousins who live about an hour away and who are 5-10 years older than me. We've never been specially close (last time i saw 2 of them was 6 years ago) partly because DM and her brother don't get on. And I actually think that the 3 cousins have all fallen out and don't speak to each other!!

I've decided to not get embroiled with the negativity anymore and focus my time and energy into the pockets of good relationships. I think that's all I can do!