SAHM considering separation - help

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Married almost 10 years. Children 7 and 5. Reached end of my tether. Dh fairly high earning. 2 years ago gave up my well paid (but far less than him) job to be SAHM on joint agreement with dh after we had our first major wobble. Dh away overnight around 3 months a year (and still is). I was having to work crazy hours and travel in my job so we agreed sahm best for a while to give children stability. Hes always had views on finances which differ massively from mine. Wouldnt agree to joint account until after ds1 born. Salaries always went into our own accounts with % transferred to joint acc to cover mortgage and house bills. On giving up my salary asked dh to have his salary paid into joint acc from then on as this now our only income. He refused as sees this as "his money" and anyway anything left over he "saves for the family". None of these savings are in our joint names. He says if I want to know how much savings we have I only need to ask him. Ive always earned my own money and never been frivolous with it so being in this position with no income and considering separation makes me feel very exposed. have felt for long time this lack of equity in the relationship shows a major lack of respect esp as I took time out of my career so he could focus on his And this respect and trust Iissue around money has undermined our whole relationship.

Now im considering separation want to ensure I do all u can to protect my children and myself financially. I put day to day to day family expenses on credit card which is paid off in full every month using dhs salary but no income. have joint names on mortgage but I know he will not agree to move out easily and am concerned house may have to be sold which would mean even more uupheaval for the children. Plan to get initial legal advice v soon. Any advice please. Want to keep things as civilised as poss for the children which will be really hard if he refuses to move out.

He is being extremely selfish - it just isn't OK to expect you to give up your job for the sake of the DC without offering you proper access to finances. This is financial abuse.

You have a rock solid case if you do want to divorce. Go and see a solicitor ASAP.

He'll legally have to declare his entire financial situation including pensions. And so will you. I wouldn't worry too much. I would definitely get c legal advice as only they can tell you where you really stand.

Known it hasnt been right for a long time but tolerated it as knew the alternative would mean dcs ending up in frequent afterschool and before-schook childcare if I had to work to cover the bills on my own while things are ironed out (or longer term ) - at the very time that theyd need things to be as 'normal' as poss. Been a rock and a hard place

Hes not a british national so bit concerned about any implications of that as I know he holds bank accounts in another country, would this have to be disclosed as well? How can the legal system satisfy itself that theres been full disclosure?

I think it is often the case whereby the one who works feels it is 'their' money to which the stay at home partner has no real right to. I had the very same situation in my own relationship. I know how angry and be-littling this situation is for you. You have not said how other aspects of your relationship are. Believe me, it's so tough to be a single parent too so please take your time to think things through very carefully. You're children are a little older now so perhaps you could look for some sort of job that either fits in around school day or perhaps you could use childcare. Are you still quite resentful at DH that you have lost your career and income? You need to try and sit down with hubby and tell him how you feel, in a non confrontational way if possible. It would be tragic to see house sold and family torn apart if there was any way it could be salvaged. Perhaps you could agree with him on a small sum of money that could be transferred to your account perhaps monthly for your own personal use. Life would be a real struggle if you were a single parent and had no income if you were not working. Think very carefully about the pros and cons of splitting up. If you had no job I can't see that there would be too many pluses really and if you had to return to work after separation anyway then why not just do that now. Perhaps even if he did give you money each month you may never really feel that good about it as deep down you may want to be earning your own money and know that it's yours to do with as you see fit. I can't imagine that he would move out and would probably wonder why on earth he would have to if he is working hard and providing well for his family. You gave up your career to give your children stability, not sure that splitting up, perhaps selling home, daddy going away, reduced income etc is going to further that ideal.

You could try calling his bluff by telling him that you want to return to work FT and discussing FT live in nannies and, in the future, boarding school and all their implications for the family and joint finances. See how he reacts and whether you can open discussion up that way.

My last post got sent before I had finished. All I am really saying is, think carefully, get advice and try to make sure you don't jump from the frying pan to the fire place as you may struggle to get maintenance money from him and that could end in financial disaster for you. Get legal advice and make a more rational decision from there as to what next step might be. Perhaps getting your own income again would make it easier for you to leave as at least you would have some guaranteed income coming in and then you would know what your options are.

I hear what youre saying heydey, but working most jobs around his is very difficult. Hes away overnight a lot, on other days leaves very early or arrives back very late - this would mean going back to the arrangement we had previously where I was trying to manage school runs, holidays, dcs short notice sick days etc plus hold a job, as due to nature of his work I cant rely on him to be here for any of that. Would feel so guilty about putting dcs back in childcare when they could have had me at home And as a family we can afford for me not to do paid work....

Could you persuade him to put some of the savings into reducing the mortgage or buying you a new car? Something that would put it legally into joint names?

I would ask him how much he has saved, preferable by email or text so you have soemthing in writing...

Perhaps worth playing the longer game to ensure the money doesn't disappear?

Im not resentful that I gave up my job - I know it was best for dcs to have one parent totally focused on home and count myself lucky that I have had this extra time with them. If I sound resentful its resentment at not being treated as an equal partner. Dh has actually uttered the words "I earn the money so I make the decisions" and I honestly couldn't tell you how much "family savings" we have in his name, which is not a fair position to be in

No, it's a ludicrous position to be in for a grown woman. Clearly your DH enjoys being in a position of control over you, which is clearly intolerable.

I would just file for divorce frankly and ride out the storm.

Yes, he has to disclose overseas assets. You can use a forensic accountant to find them and I think he will be made to pay the bill if he has been misleading the court, but you need specialist legal advice about that.

My advice: Lawyer up, now. Many will accept payment out of settlement so you don't have to pay now.

Thx dollius didn't know some legal firms offered that. Will be going asap.

Appreciate all the posts - tough whatever you choose

Randomess -reducing the mortgage with it is a v gd idea thx

Definitely lawyer up as PP have said. Can you use the time before the shit hits the fan to Miss Marple up all the documentation you can find re bank accts, pensions, savings, shares. etc etc? Do you know how much he earns? Is he employed or self employed?

You have two DC with him so the bare minimum he would have to give is 20% of his take home pay. As you are SAHM he may also have to pay spousal maintenance for you.

You can probably get a mesher order which would mean his name stays on mortgage but he would have to leave you and DC in home until youngest finishes full time education and then you sell home and split equity. This may not be 50/50% split as you can sometimes offset some of the equity in exchange for not making a pension sharing order on his pensions, so you might get a much higher percentage, depending on what other assets DH has.

Once you start divorce proceedings he is likely to turn nasty so he may even flounce off and leave anyway, but even if he doesn't, it is likely from what you have said that he will be forced to leave the house as part of the divorce settlement and an occupation order will be made in your favour.

He will make it sound like he holds all the cards cos he earns all the money, but, unless he is self employed and can hide a huge chunk of his money away, it is YOU who holds all the cards here.

Let us know how you get on and good luck.

Thx hamptoncourt, first steps always hardest and all that

Breadcrumbs there is nothing to stop you getting information from a solicitor so that you know where you stand if you do decide to split. Knowledge is power and all that.

And getting a better idea of your joint finances is pure common sense.

These are the small steps you can make without even telling DH, but you will feel a lot stronger as a result.

Perhaps whilst he is working away you should just do a "been thinking about the fact that interest rates will rise soon, how much have we got in savings? I would like us to look at paying a chunk off our mortgage?" Would that be a very odd question from you?

Savings is tricky - from what I know the accounts are online so no paper statements, dh says I dont need logons as he can just tell me how much there is, then tells me very vague rounded-up "roughly around" figs rather than balances. As a result I haven't got a clue where the money is altogether or how much there is and cant find out without him

If you divorce he will have to provide evidence of savings. Is he employed?

Do you at least know which banks etc he has money in? That would be a start. And the pensions is the real biggy. If I were you I would start there.

Even if accts are online, it is normal to be sent an annual paper statement. Does he keep stuff locked away or could you root around and find it?

The courts can usually find evidence of all UK accts because he will either have to have claimed his tax free allowance on them if they are an ISA, or he will be paying tax on the interest so it will all show up. If he lies then the court will take a very dim view of this.

Hopefully it won't come to that but you really do need to get proper legal advice.

The problem is if they are in overseas accounts. It's a bit of nightmare as the op won't know if he's truthfully declared or not. How much did he say last time you asked & when was that?

Randomess about 50k-ish three months ago So were not talking a pittance. Mainly because anything I generally suggest spending on - jobs that need doing on our old house etc, you know really crazy stuff! -he'll say it doesn't need doing or "we cant afford it" to avoid spending a penny. If he thinks we need it, say a huge new tv, he just buys it and spends how much he likes but these are few and far between. His tightfistedness is a running joke with many of our friends (not knowing of course how much of an issue it has become)

Can you appeal to his tightfistedness to pay off your mortgage do you think? If there is no penalty on overpaying it would have to make better sense, at least if he says it wouldn't can you ask him to explain to you how much is earning what interest rate in what type of account etc. so you understand why

I can't really tell from your posts if there are other issues beyond the financial and how set you are on leaving but is it beyond possible to sit down with him and say that you want full access to all the family money including savings? That as an intelligent adult you want to know exactly not roughly where you are and to have independence and some freedom over the family income. Point out what the childcare bill would be if you did work. Also, you mentioned using childcareas though its an awful thing that you'd feel guilty about but if you could get a reasonable 9-5 job you only need wraparound, or maybe an aupair and that would give you back some independence and control. Ifyou are set on leaving however then do, as others gave said, take full legal advice asap

Fairulightsinthelift - tried the grown up sitting down and discussing it method 5 weeks ago. Dh couldnt comprehend why its such an issue for me to have financial equality as were comfortably off "as a family". I think he genuinely cant imagine giving up this financial control even though ive never been irresponsible with money.far from it. I explained how to me it implied a lack of trust and ultimately lack of respect to me as supposedly an equal partner in the marriage but he doesn't see the link between the two at all. I asked for access to the accounts, for him to pay all his wages into joint acc so all easier to manage in one place, and told him I wasnt happy. 5weeks on, nothing.