In the doldrums - anyone else? what did you do?

[Everard]

I feel as though my marriage is in the doldrums. I really don't know if I love my husband anymore. I am pretty sure I don't fancy him anymore. I am not sure I ever have. Sexual relationships have never been a strong part of my life and I am deeply regreting that now.

I have always had a bit of a fantasy life going on in my head but now I find myself constantly fantasizing about my marriage breaking up. Not me leaving him. Just us not being together anymore. I think of what it would be like to live alone. What it would be like to find someone else and start a new sexual relationship with them.

I am one of MN's nightmares: a SAHM utterly dependent financially, and in other ways too, on my husband so I can't just walk out the door, but I know somewhere deep down I have the strength to live alone. I used to, before I met dh.

On the plus side, he is not abusive or a bad man. He provides. I think he would say he loves me, though he hasn't for years now, but he always was quicker to say it to me than I was to say it to him. I am going through a rough time at the moment, and I think he thinks my moods and distance are a result of life's stresses. Perhaps they are. But what if they are not and, when I come out of the rough patch, I still feel as indifferent towards him as I do now?

I am overwhelmed by the thought that this is it. This is life. One go at it. And I am apathetically wandering through it, not really enjoying any of it. Is that because I am with him?

Urgh, I don't know what I want to say. I suppose I just want to hear from anyone else who relates to what I am saying. Are you in this situation? Have you been? What happened in your relationship? In all honesty, I think there are thousands of women out there like me, not wildly in love in their marriage, but chugging along because that is what we do. I don't have many friends. I have always dutifully followed by husband and his career moves and now find myself happier in my own company, so there is no-one I want to share this with in real life.

What other people choose to do or not do is not really the issue. If you're discontented with your life and feel indifferent towards your partner, the only person who can do really do something about it is you. You may think a half life is a fair swap for the material and other things your marriage provides ... quite a lot of people settle for that I suppose. But, as you say, you only get one go at life and regrets tend to come not so much from mistakes made but from opportunities not taken.

Can I ask how old you are?

Yes, I agree with everything you say. I wasn't really thinking I would copy what anyone else has done. I suppose I just wanted to feel some camaraderie with others.

I am late 40s. Classic mid-life crisis material.

Just waffling on:

You see Cogito, when you wrote 'You may think a half life is a fair swap for the material and other things your marriage provides' that really hit hard. Because, whether you intended it or not, that sounds so damning. Well, I see it that way anyway. And I can't bear to think that that is what my life has become.

But the flip side is ... well, keeping the status quo I guess. Which is not that bad compared with other people. Do people just shut down their horizons and put their heads down and trudge on with a life that does not excite them?

When you say dependent, what do you mean besides him earning?

Do you have your own savings?
Can you spend as you like?

Who makes decisions at home?
Do you drive? Can you just go places?

Why do you say he stopped loving you? How does he show you that?

Could you try to regain independence within the marriage and see how it feels? If you still want to stay?
Could it be worth talking to him about the state of the marriage and see if there's anything there that could grow again for both of you?

This is the time to figure it out. A midlife crisis can be a great thing, either in moving on to something better or rebuilding something that is slowly becoming ruins.
As an analogy, you need to see if the building needs refurbishment or has to be brought down.
But you have to be proactive now, or it will go to ruin and it can crash on you.

When you say dependent, what do you mean besides him earning?

I depend on him for all sorts of things. Nothing that I guess I couldn't get a grip of myself if need be, but we have always split responsibilities in quite an old fashioned way (but one that suits us - or suited us when we were happy)

Do you have your own savings?

A bit - nothing huge.

Can you spend as you like?

In so far as there is spare cash, yes.

Who makes decisions at home?

They are made together usually, though, as above, I tend to do the domestic stuff, he does the traditional male stuff. That was mutually agreed. Sorry, I said I was a MN nightmare.

Do you drive? Can you just go places?

Yes and yes.

Why do you say he stopped loving you? How does he show you that?

I didn't say that actually. I said I thought he would probably still say he loved me, but he has certainly stopped saying it. Not that we were ever big on saying that sort of thing, and me a lot less than him even, but he did used to say it sometimes. I feel he cares about me less now, the little things, health etc. We don't do the little things for each other.

Could you try to regain independence within the marriage and see how it feels? If you still want to stay?

The thing is, by doing little things independent of him, I feel like I am pulling away from him, if that makes sense? I do get a pleasure doing things without him that previously we would have done together, but it is a negative sort of pleasure, along the lines of me thinking to myself 'see? I don't need you anymore.'

Could it be worth talking to him about the state of the marriage and see if there's anything there that could grow again for both of you?

He doesn't talk easily about these things. Sometimes I want to say I am thinking of leaving you, just to see what reaction that gets. I don't mean that in a childish 'get a reaction' way, but to see how he feels about it. Then I feel frightened that he will say ok, so I keep quiet.

Could you work so that you do have your financial independence and a life outside the home?
What is keeping you at home?

Oh, and you are not a MN nighmare. :) It's fine to be at home if that is fine for you.

That's kind of you to say so. My whole life I seem to have swum against the tide though and a few things are quite hard to justify to outsiders.

Yeah, the work issue. I am thinking of doing something. Don't know what but I do feel it is about time I lived more for me than for others. I am not sure it is really what is making me unhappy in my relationship though. I can see that a job would give me an outside focus and stop me fixating on the state of my relationship, and make me more independent, but I don't know that it would make me more content in my marriage.

Probably not, it could go either way. In fact, it could help you leave.

You really need to sit down with him to discuss the state of your marriage and tell him how you feel. Firstly discuss if you both want to make it work and improve your relationship.

I'm in a similar position to you: early 50s married 20+ years. I've told DH I'm not happy the way things are, and I'm prepared to walk away unless things improve. He says he loves me and wants to fix the issues and stick with the marriage....

I feel better for discussion and getting it out in the open. It's better than holding onto the resentment and not saying anything.

We will see what the future holds...

I wish you the best wundawoman. It was brave of you to confront the situation head on. I think the thing that stops me saying anything to him is the fact that I am not sure how I feel myself. And I really don't know what I want. It is very frustrating. If I knew, or felt one way or another, I would definitely act.

I think it can be cruel to tell someone that we don't know we love them and we don't want to stay with them.

However, if you frame it as being worried that the relationship is stalling and that you see it going to pieces in the near future, it is something you both can work on.

You could get counselling for yourself to try and figure out what you want, but a relationship is held by two people, so he should be included in a process that could lead to its demise, but with his participation it could lead to happiness to both.

OP your post rings bells with me too. I can't tell how I feel about my relationship any more either. I think that, petty as it sounds, having to do all the night wakings for the last year for our 1yo has made me very angry and it's just not going away. I also fantasise about living alone with the DCs, and I also probably couldn't do it practically. At very low points I've said to DH that I think something is really wrong, and even that we should split up, but he won't take it seriously, tells me I'm just tired or he just thinks I'm wrong and we are fine. I always end up backing down and agreeing because I can't face the confrontation.

But I also have the same sense as you, that this is my life going by, and do I really want to spend it just rambling along, not saying things because I'm not sure what I want to say, or don't want to push to a crisis point. I sometimes feel a sort of dread of the future, what if in ten years everything is just like now? I don't know. I am hoping that it's the stress of having young children, but that isn't entirely convincing. We've been together since early 20s, so I don't know anything else really. It's kind of nice to read that other people have this too. Have you got kids, OP?

I felt the same as you about a year ago. My dh was unhappy too but not to the same degree. I honestly though if this was all I had to look forward to for the next 40 years then I would die of boredom.

It seemed like such a waste of a life (and I do work so did have other interests outside the home and relationship iyswim).

I did a few things to help and they have made a big difference:

1. I gave myself permission to leave - this meant I wasn't trapped - this wasn't my life unless I chose that I wanted it to be
2. I went to counselling to tease out the relationship issues and the other issues that could have been feeding into my situation - this helped me to see how I had got to where I was
3. I went to the gp who suggested blood tests as he thought some of lethargy could have a medical cause. It turned out my blood count was low so tablets helped

I don't know if any of this will help you but it did help me.

it's a horrible situation to be in.

"Do people just shut down their horizons and put their heads down and trudge on with a life that does not excite them?"

Yes, all the time. They rationalise it with things like 'better the devil you know' and 'I'm too old to start over' or they make plans to forge a more separate life alongside rather than with their spouse. It's amazing what some will put up with for a Volvo estate and a part-share in a 4-bed detached....

Thanks everyone. It is good to get perspectives from people who feel the same way. NotKnowNuffink yes, I have children, but we are long past the waking in the night stage thank goodness. I think there is hope for you. You are going through a very hard stage but it doesn't last forever and if you can hang on in there and wait to see how you feel when you come out the other side, that is what I would advise you to do. I do remember first going off my husband when I had little ones - the love I felt for them just left no room for anyone else - but I think I got over that. Or maybe I didn't? Looking back, I can't recall any great return of affection for dh, just a lessening of irritation.

Anyway, I am not staying with him just to hang on to a part share of a house and car, as Cogito puts it. I know that for sure. I have my own car, and I actually yearn NOT to be part owner of a large house, so I know it is not that which is keeping me here. I was thinking about this last night and realised that the alternative to staying is just a fantasy dream world and I simply can't give up my reality for a fantasy. That isn't logical. I am beginning to realise though that it wouldn't take much alternative reality for me to give up on this marriage, ie if I met someone else (not likely to happen).

It seems a little defeatist, not to say passive, to rely on some knight on a white horse figure to improve your life. 'Fantasy dream world' seems to be a self-reproachful way of saying that your dreams are unrealistic or ridiculous. 'Giving up on the marriage' is also loaded with self-reproach and very negative. If you have dreams then what's stopping you pursuing them? If you're unhappy does your husband know just how bad it is?

You sound rather flat and mention you have been going through a rough time, and also seem to be reassessing your existence. This all reminds me of the way I felt following a bereavement. I don't know if you have recently experienced a traumatic event, or even a health scare, but if so I would not advise doing anything drastic like ending my marriage until I'd had a good while to recover first (unless there is a good reason to obviously). Reason being, these things can give us a sort of panic response which leads us to do things we regret later. And adding a divorce or even house move to an already traumatised psyche isn't always the best idea. Apologies if I'm completely off base there.

You sound bored of your marriage and mention wishing for other sexual experiences twice in the first two paragraphs of your OP. This makes me wonder, how is intimacy between you? Not just sexual, but are you affectionate with each other, do you kiss, hold hands, etc? And how is your relationship otherwise - do you laugh together? Do you hold the same basic worldview and philosophies?

I don't think people who are unhappily married should stay together just for the sake of it. But many marriages go through times when things just aren't that great and in some cases the couple eventually reconnect and emerge happy and in love again. When things are bad between a couple it tends to colour their view of the entire relationship, making them unable to recall the good times and only focus on the bad. Kind of the opposite of the rose-tinted glasses through which you see your lover when they are new and exciting. Is there a chance this could be happening here?

everard I know what you mean about the house. Ours is a fixer upper and beyond the initial stuff to make it habitable DH gave up long ago. Can you talk about downsizing or something? Do you talk about your relationship? I can't even get that far, I just get shut down every time, and back to feeling that the anger and resentment are my problem to sort out on my own, and nothing to do with him. On the other thread about crap times someone mentions temporary moving out. I'm considering it over half term. Can you try that?

Not had a bereavement, but a health scare yes. And I have other reasons for not wanting to rock the boat - reasons beyond my own selfish needs: children doing exams, wider family issues. If I talk about it long enough, I realise it would be supremely selfish to do anything other than calmly continue to hold things together.

But to counter that, I could easily come up with reasons I should have left long ago. No, intimacy is not good. Pretty non existent if I am honest. Sex has never been right. I know we are not sexually compatible. I held a different view of sex when I was young and did not really appreciate how incompatible we were until well into our marriage. Outside sex, we don't kiss ever, sometimes hold hands, but only in public and it feels unnatural now when once it had been our default position. I suppose broadly speaking we do share opinions although, as you say, there is a tendency to focus on the bad and all I can think of now are the differences of opinions we have. But I know I used to think we held the same worldview so I think probably we are closer in that respect than I feel we are.

You are probably right hookedonchoc that this might be a bad patch and we can come out the other side. I agree it is easy to say what is wrong in a relationship, less easy to put my finger on what makes it work.

NotKnowNuffink my husband isn't great at talking about feelings. It is part of what makes me feel so frustrated right now. Moving out, even for a week, seems like such a big statement to make. I think getting a bit of space can be very therapeutic though. I remember my parents went through a bad patch in their marriage, even announced to us (their children) that they were splitting up but all they actually did was sleep in separate rooms for a while. We haven't come to that (yet) so I think maybe it isn't that bad.

You say kids have exams - that means pretty soon they will be out of the family home making life for themselves.
This is good time to perhaps look into volunteering to understand what job you'd like to do.
Once you get out and widen your horizons you would be able to re-asses state of your heart.

If I talk about it long enough, I realise it would be supremely selfish to do anything other than calmly continue to hold things together.

No, I disagree. It is your relationship and you will be the one left stuck with it when the kids have left home and whatever other family issues have blown over. It is never selfish to reassess your own relationship and consider ending it if things are not right.

That sex has never been right, and you see no future in a sex life between you, is very troubling. No wonder you are thinking of leaving. If you can't see it ever being right, you are living without hope which is no way to live. You presumably have a good many years left to enjoy your body and with no serious illness preventing you or your dh from connecting physically I completely understand you feel these years are passing you by.

I wondered about a health scare as two friends of mine have recently had breast cancer and gone on to turn their lives upside down. Something about being faced with our own mortality makes us sieze the day, doesn't it? This hasn't been a mistake, but they have found it very draining on top of their recovery from surgery and radiotherapy. Both have said they wish they'd given themselves 6 months to recover first (one started a new job, one relocated to a different country).

I wish you well whatever you decide to do.

Obviously you are the only person who knows the wider situation and the other issues that you feel keep you where you are. However, don't get too caught up in feeling that if you leave you are selfish and if you stay then you are altruistic.
It really isn't unselfish to stay with a dh that you fear you could be tempted to leave if you met someone else. Actually staying with your dh and not having an open discussion about how you feel, would seem like the selfish option to me. Your dp also deserves to have a satisfying and stable relationship that isn't dependent on you not being swept off your feet by someone else.